Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
I hear your pain and can totally relate. Mines music. I haven’t engaged in over 10 years now in what I NOW understand as the fear of being swallowed up by my obsession with my thing. It disrupts life as I’m *expected* to live and so it needed to be pushed down. This is awful and sad.. to see it for what it is. I get so upset by this that sometimes I can’t even listen to music and those are hard times but it is to avoid feeling triggered. The show American Idol for instance. I can’t watch it. So much talent so much promise in these contestants and I can’t … ugh . I don’t know I remember attempting to explain once I said “I don’t know if it’s envy or what but it makes me sad to watch this.” It is in fact that you’re explaining here. Inability to engage and the guilt /sadness attached to feeling like we aught not or can’t engage in this thing we LOVE. Unfortunately I don’t have any solution for this. I struggle a lot with balance that abstinence is my answer at the moment and that’s just a heartbreaking thing. So I’m not necessarily suggesting that, only you know what it best for you. Keep in mind science isn’t going anywhere though if you’re being pulled to a season of self care for yourself and need to take a break there’s nothing wrong with that you know? Despite the pressures of college.. the best you can do is the best you can do.
I found this interesting if you haven’t stumbled across this yourself yet check it out
https://youtu.be/A1AUdaH-EPM
That is so sad. I don't know what to say. I hope there will come a time when you can engage with music again.