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Mourning the loss of a special interest and banning yourself from it

Ann :)
over 2 years ago

I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly. 

I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest  since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this? 

I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it. 

At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.

Parents
  • over 2 years ago

    You don’t have to ‘mourn’ your love of science - it’s not dead, it’s only sleeping :) 

    Possibly you need to schedule that longer time off that you feel you need - and not pressure yourself to return to your work for another few weeks? Not a ban - more of a ‘well being’ holiday. I think you should take the pressure off yourself for a few more weeks and get some proper rest. I don’t think it’s possible that you could lose your interest in science permanently - it’s just your fear of that happening that is making it such a prominent fear in your mind. That love of science is a part of who you are - it’s not going to disappear like that. Don’t fear losing it - it’s the fear that’s so destructive to you right now. All your interest in science will be waiting for you - just patiently waiting - until you are ready to return to it. If you pressure yourself and try to rush things you’ll set your recovery back. Give yourself plenty of time to get well again (if you can). 
    An autism diagnosis is useful in some ways - but ultimately it also doesn’t change much in many ways. You’re obviously highly intelligent and frankly you could easily diagnose yourself. It’s not usuWinkly that difficult to diagnose - it’s a set of criteria that are easy to to apply to someone with those traits. You could essentially diagnose yourself tomorrow if you want. 
    It won’t change who you are or solve any of your problems. You’ll still be the same person with the same problems whether you have a diagnosis or not. You’re you - wonderful you - with or without a diagnosis. 

    I’ve just noticed how late it is! I need to get off this iPad and go to bed! 
     

    Have a good night and try to be at peace with the fact that you are just taking a rest from your love of science - because you’re tired and you need a break from it. But it’s only temporary. 

  • over 2 years ago in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I’ve just noticed that there’s an emoji in my last post - I don’t know how that happened! Weird! Just ignore it! 

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