Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
Ann. On a personal level, your problem with "science" MAY be the people you are stuck doing it with.
When I was a kid reading about scientific discoveries, it always struck me how the people who made the big discoveries were following their geas, joyfully.
That's what what i understand happens in formal "science" nowadays...
Now, I have to admit I am what the PHD types call a Kook. As a kid I was interested in EVERYTHING. I soon found out that I was not interested in the right way. Or for that matter, in "the right things".
The only scientific award I've ever received came from a popular T.V. show, and it's inscribed; "I can do science me"...
Well, as it happens... I'm safety officer in an amateur kook science project where we transmute one element into another! Turns out I can do science.. But it would be nice to get a definitive analysis of the gas in the tube. According to the national physics laboratory it's impossible to get an analysis, and they won't do it unless they know what is in the tube...
If they were closing ranks against you at work, you might have been doing a bit too much science and a bit too little politics would be my guess.
The thing I've found is that they can't stop you doing science in your head. If I and my guys ever do get freed from the shackles of poverty then you'll see some SCIENCE being done. Until then you have to put up with halls for of expensive gear and even more expensive people in very white coats (have you ever tried keeping one clean whilst assembling your own apparatus?) or worse, suits, NOT transmuting one element into another as easily and with little bother as we amateurs can... I'd hate to be a real scientist having to submit a request for information or equipment before you can try a line of thinking out.
I might be completely off point here, or I may just know something about what has happened to science and scientists over the last few decades. TWO of my friends got PHD's and neither of them seem to have any interest in "the fun of learning" any more".
So setting aside the fact I couldn't focus enough to get a bloody degree let alone a PHD, I still worry that formal education & qualification might well be a fiendish trap for fine minds.