Mourning the loss of a special interest and banning yourself from it

I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly. 

I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest  since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this? 

I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it. 

At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.