Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently experiencing burnout and I have been off from my work in a research lab (where I wanted to do a PhD) for 5 weeks now. One of the main factors in my burnout was that I got hyper-focused on my research to the exclusion of all else including my health so that I ended up severely underweight. Being unable to say no and getting overburdened at work also contributed as did being around people all day possibly.
I have since 'banned myself' from science. Science has been my special interest since age 13 and it has held my life together ever since. I was at first so exhausted that I don't think I had the capacity to engage with science. Now I feel that I am not ready to go back to the lab (and not even sure I can stay in this particular lab as I am not sure it is an environment where I can stay safe) as I am scared I would fall back in the same pattern again as I have not learnt any new coping strategies and still feel so burnt out. I have been so depressed and even more so the past days and find myself crying abundantly and I realised that I am mourning the loss of my special interest (and just generally in utter despair that I simply cannot cope with life)- Has anyone else experienced this?
I thought today, maybe I should let myself/ push myself to read a paper as a low key way of engaging - but it feels too triggering, like it will make me too sad to have a glimpse of the science world I love so much. Also I am not sure it I am still feeling too burnt out for it.
At this point I am just sad, and confused about whether I will ever be able to cope with life and if I need to stay away from science for ever. I am even more confused as i have only recently come to suspect I am autistic and I keep doubting everything including this suspicion- It would make so much sense and would change how I manage the next steps in life... but I cannot access a formal assessment any time soon. I am just so sad that my special interest and main source of comfort, stability and motivation has turned against me, that I have had to ban myself from it and from that world. I am grieving and unsure if I should push myself to engage with it again? but it just feels too painful right now.
You don’t have to ‘mourn’ your love of science - it’s not dead, it’s only sleeping :)
Possibly you need to schedule that longer time off that you feel you need - and not pressure yourself to return to your work for another few weeks? Not a ban - more of a ‘well being’ holiday. I think you should take the pressure off yourself for a few more weeks and get some proper rest. I don’t think it’s possible that you could lose your interest in science permanently - it’s just your fear of that happening that is making it such a prominent fear in your mind. That love of science is a part of who you are - it’s not going to disappear like that. Don’t fear losing it - it’s the fear that’s so destructive to you right now. All your interest in science will be waiting for you - just patiently waiting - until you are ready to return to it. If you pressure yourself and try to rush things you’ll set your recovery back. Give yourself plenty of time to get well again (if you can). An autism diagnosis is useful in some ways - but ultimately it also doesn’t change much in many ways. You’re obviously highly intelligent and frankly you could easily diagnose yourself. It’s not usuly that difficult to diagnose - it’s a set of criteria that are easy to to apply to someone with those traits. You could essentially diagnose yourself tomorrow if you want. It won’t change who you are or solve any of your problems. You’ll still be the same person with the same problems whether you have a diagnosis or not. You’re you - wonderful you - with or without a diagnosis.
I’ve just noticed how late it is! I need to get off this iPad and go to bed!
Have a good night and try to be at peace with the fact that you are just taking a rest from your love of science - because you’re tired and you need a break from it. But it’s only temporary.
Thank you! I love your metaphor of it being sleeping rather than dead :). I think what I need more than anything is some more time to recover.
I am scared of loosing my job and option of a doing a PhD here though if I do not return to work soon. I might end up moving on to a new lab anyways but for financial and practical reasons, it would be better if I did not loose my job. My sick leave ends tomorrow. I don't feel ready. I thought maybe I could get it together, however even the idea of going back now has set me back and has resulted in a lot of panic and stress (I had managed to mostly shut thoughts of work from my head but it all caught up with me as I cannot hide from it forever and do need to make some decisions). I will talk to my GP tomorrow to see if I can have another week off maybe so that I can at least make a better plan and also talk to the people at work to gather some more information. Sorry I think my thoughts about this just jumped onto this page.
Your words really make me feel better. I am so happy that I found this community.
Ann :) said:Thank you! I love your metaphor of it being sleeping rather than dead :). I think what I need more than anything is some more time to recover.
Over 2 years ago; the OP said the above about their special interest (as being "sleeping" during their Burnout recovery).
During my Burnout (this round is probably of the longest duration so far); I have tried to think of my special interests as being: "dormant" or just (by necessity) "in hibernation".
In the meantime, I keep reminding myself: that those special interests of mine are all still there (albeit, on hold, paused or archived) - ready for me to resume when I have recouped sufficient energy / motivation etc. to emerge from Burnout.
During this Burnout journey, within the random more energetic week / day / hour (which feature occasionally), I have sometimes experimented with exploring some interests and pursuits completely new to me. Maybe less demanding topics, experiences or skills - things which I would have been unlikely to have encountered (had I not been in Burnout mode?).
Some of those experiments have just turned out to be a one off (jettisoned). Others, I surprised myself by having enjoyed and subsequently decided to incorporate into life moving forwards (retained).
Hoping the OP also found their Burnout journey brought with it some unanticipated exposure to new interests (to help pave the route towards resuming their own sleeping special interests after Burnout).
Hi Ann, your situation reminds me of what’s happening with my son. He had time away from college due to his struggles with his mental health - and every time it came to talking about him returning he felt panicky and felt he couldn’t cope with it. We kept planning returns and he kept pulling back from them as the date got nearer, Eventually he went in but he struggled with dealing with his Selective Mutism again (he only has it in educational settings) and came out of college again. He’s now decided to retake the year and is not going back until the start of the next academic year in September. To be honest he’s relieved to have the pressure of returning taken off him. He needs a longer break than he originally thought.
Everyone is different - for him he felt he needed several months to get better. I’m imagine that deep down you have a strong instinct about what you really need at the moment. Whatever decision you make I hope it works out for you. It’s finding that balance isn’t it? How much to push ourselves without putting ourselves under too much pressure. These are difficult judgements to make. I hope your GP and your workplace are understanding and that you can work something out. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.