Did I loose my mask after a mental break?

Yup, humans as a whole tend to be way to quick to blame a popular victim for all of their ills.

Although definitely not as extreme as you seem to have had it, I was certainly punished a lot for what I'm realizing was just being me as a child. My grandparents were very well off, business people, pillar of the community sorts, and I was seen as an embarrassment in many ways, I was their only (outwardly) male grandchild and therefore I was seen as the successor and was occasionally trawled around to see business friends and such and it wasn't unusual to take a lot of verbal and some physical abuse after these encounters. I won't go into any real detail but I do think that is at least part of where my strongest masking came from, I was always expected to keep up appearances.

Im very much in a period of deconstruction now, I'm finding myself breaking down decades of behaviour and running it through my new model and I'm grateful for the work I did in the past with mindfulness. It was highlighted in therapy a few years back that unless I was at an extreme I didn't really recognize my emotion and therefore learned techniques to recognize emotion from my own behavior and that's really serving me well on figuring out what is mask and what isn't, however so far I'm still on a surface level so we'll see where that can get me.

The regular whipping and other forms of violence in combination with the extended childhood terror, kinda makes it difficult for me to work out what is "mask" ( a concept that I first heard this week!) and what is me...

I believed I had manufactured elements of my own personality in an effort to make up for perceived deficiencies. They were obviously very vital deficiencies (my thjnking went) otherwise why do they keep hitting me and expressing hatred in my direction?

The double standards that seemed often to be in force (usually to my personal detriment), were incomprehensible to me, until very recently.

I was literally* saved in my youth by a very good book indeed called "Games People Play" by Eric Berne, that helped me understand Normie World enough to function in it. Later in life I read "people of the lie" by M.Scott Peck, which I found very useful indeed for understanding some of the more inexplicable things and people.issues.

Unfortunately I didn't stop whilst I was winning, I went on to read "Eichmann in Jerusalem", often called "the banailty of evil" by Hannah Arendt, I've always been fascinated by the "Jewish problem", (for what should, I think by now, be obvious reasons!) and came to understand how unbelievably easy it is for (groups particularly) human being to slip from "victim of circumstance" to "oppressors de jour"..

You can see that process in action right now, on the TV news, of course!  

Yeah I think that's where I'm at too, I didn't lose the mask entirely I still performed in front of the doctors and therapist I saw looking back at it, probably the last people I should have been masking in front of but I didn't know I was doing it, I just thought I was putting my "outdoor" face on.

Before I was diagnosed I had a lot of anxiety and depressive episodes. Then I had an awful situation at work and lost my job. I didn't have a breakdown as such but it put me in a dark place. After that I lost the ability to "perform" and eventually had to change career altogether.

Now I'm diagnosed I think what I lost was my ability to mask, because it always felt like I was acting a role. At the time I thought everyone operated like this. Now, I'm learning to mask all over again, but just when I want or need to.

I Sperg said:

BUT, once a normie makes up his or her mind about you they ALWAYS see you in that frame unless jolted out of it by events.

I felt a surge of emotion when I read this line. It really touched my heart and soul.

I Sperg said:

I am a "Vulnerable person" who cannot function in a fully dishonest environment without assistance form a normie.

This is the funniest thing I've read for such a long time. I love reading your comments!

Hey, thanks for the update. It means a lot. 

Greetings Sperglord I Sperg! Thank you for that, it was very fun to read.

Well, things have changed a bit in the last few days and I am seeing some of that power of which you speak flow in my direction. I started telling family and friends about it to some varied responses, some of which were more than a little dismissive, mostly from the family's middle-class white male golfing contingent.

This morning however there was a change, I got the report through from the psychiatrist about my ADHD which also included the part about suggesting seeking an official diagnosis for ASD (the doctor has already referred me now I just have to wait 2 years ). It must have traveled the grapevine from mum because my sisters are suddenly asking me if there are any accommodations they can help with,  my aunt bought me some stim toys and mum is asking me which book on Autism she should buy (and knowing her to put on the pile of unread books by her bed). Now I just need the golfers to pull their heads from the sandpit.

Anyway, trying not to make a short story long, yes, it did help thank you, I needed that pep talk I was feeling a bit confused and isolated about it for a little while, believe it or not, I don't really like change too much. 

Thanks once again and, I too, hope you're having a nice day. 

The good news my friend is that you are Autistic. It's only a difference that often gets made into a disorder due to everyone (including ourselves sometimes) efforts to make you "fit in".

The normies have made some effort now to recognise and accept us. I carry the Autism card, issued in conjunction with the police which informs everyone else that I am a "Vulnerable person" who cannot function in a fully dishonest environment without assistance form a normie. When my girlfriend gets overly frustrated with my little ways, instead of feeling upset myself, I can calmly evaluate the situation, decide how much justification she has, and if it is necessary, the phrase "You know it's a part of my condition, so quit with the normie oppression will you? Has been surprisingly effective...

Now you are  a legitimate "minority" you can easily point out how un-pc the treatment any particular normie is handing out to you is!

Like any powerful weapon, you don't actually need to use it very often, the knowledge that I always have it available, (to SHUT IT DOWN) makes seeking alternative conflict resolution scenarios less of a mandatory desperate struggle, and more into an opportunity to showcase my superior problem solving skills.

As for the "breakdowns", they are like autumn leaves being shed from a tree, after a while you realise that the tree (your unique and occasionally wonderful personality) remains and that soon new leaves (the routines and peccadillos called "personality" will return as good as new, just like the leaves in spring.

Now you know you are a 'Sperg*, there's no reason why you cannot find the "balance point" often called happiness and contentment, after a bit more practice. 

BUT, once a normie makes up his or her mind about you they ALWAYS see you in that frame unless jolted out of it by events. Despite the huge internal attitude changes my diagnosis has made, (the reduction of confusion alone has made much more of my mental processing power available for tasks other than crisis management now!) My closest family and friends seem to see than nothing has changed. It might take them many years to notice.

But I know.    

And don't discard that mask. IT will have served you well in some situations and you will still need it. The world isn't going to change overnight, and even when I form my Autistic army and we Autists seize the power that has been so cruelly witheld from us, we will still need to occasionally communicate with the normie servants, and it's just easier and kinder to them if you wear a mask! (O.K. settiing aside my need to inject a modicum of whimsy into things, with the Autistic army etc, the mask you talk about IS more useful to you on occasion than the silly (and far less functional) facerags we were all wearing a few months back. I would suggest that you consider whether you want to discard it just yet. 

I hope this helps a bit. Do have a nice day, and get out there and find your power.

As an Autist you have a lot of power when you use it right. You must have noticed that....  

* I like "labels"! I identify as a 'Sperglord myself, and have been known to sign things as "the Autist formerly known as <insert name here>". 

Pax said:

The difference between those and this time was the mask didn't seem to come back up properly.

The statement that started my sociological considerations on this was, "Act your age ~ not your shoe size!" and I developed rather an aversion to the word 'act' or 'acting' being used instead of 'do' or 'doing' things. The linguistic networks in my head-brain used to get incorrectly mingled causing uncomfortable tension and synaptic crackling in my frontal lobes, although of course pretending to be yourself (or other than yourself) is considered correct and according behaviour in neurotypical society.

One thing though I forgot to mention regarding your statement that:

Pax said:

The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken and have approached me saying I don't look right, stare off into space, don't emote correctly, among other comments, and they do things like tell me to cheer up when I'm perfectly happy and the like. 

Is that basically the blank look and failure to emote stuff can be traumatic disassociations otherwise known as fragmentations, which result from the shock of behaving one way as a child ~ and being overwhelmingly forced (verbally or also physically) to behave the way parents, teachers and or other authority figures want instead.    

Psychological and physiological fragmentations tend also to result from birth trauma, and overwhelming parental, familial and social separation anxiety at playgroups, infant school and so on educationally etcetera 'if' one was not appropriately familiarised with and acclimatised to each new sociological environment and atmosphere in turn.

Hence Post Traumatic Shock Disorder (PTSD) or the Complex (C) variant being more common conditions amongst autistic people than allistic people, as it generally takes a lot of verbal and  physical abuse or multitude psychological breakdowns before people realise being autistic might actually be the case, and a different way of life being facilitated or experimented with.

One of the great difficulties of course is that the later the diagnosis arrives for an autistic person, the more entrenched can be the family's previous judgements about their character and the appropriateness of the parts they played in the methodologies of that person's upbringing and later interactions.

So for example: parents that sought to prove that they and their child needed extra help ~ a diagnosis will come as a validation, whereas parents that sought to impose discipline and enforce good character ~ a diagnosis can come as a major invalidation of their parenthood, and in fact their genetic purity if they are as such that way inclined, so things can get as such quite challenging. 

Either way, it is usually very much worth while contemplating the seven stages of grief:

1.) Shock and disbelief

2.) Denial

3.) Guilt

4.) Anger and bargaining

5.) Depression, loneliness and reflection

6.) Reconstruction, or ‘working through’

7.) Acceptance

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/blog/2020/10/26/what-are-the-7-stages-of-grief

This can apply just as much for parents having to mourn the loss of their imagined life involving a neurotypical child that is all socially active and all that, just as it can apply for anyone diagnosed as being on the spectrum and hence what is described as the 'diagnostic hangover' ~ which can take about four and half years to go through on average ~ sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. 

Pax said:

The sort of question I mean here is one like this, I was working on a project and she asked "Do you think he'd like a blue one" and I couldn't figure out who he was or what object was blue, because the context wasn't in front of me or at the top of my mind.

In reply to, "Do you think he'd like a blue one?" sorts of questions ~ my Grandmother used to say things along the lines of, "Who? ~ The dog's uncle and what exactly would 'you' be referring to?" Often adding that. "People, things and places have names for a reason!" Or if I had not called her 'Grandmother' ~ she used to say, "Who am I ~ the cat's mother?" and other such things in relation to other people. 

I only mask around new people or people I don't know/who make me uncomfortable. I tend to come across them very rarely because I live a pretty hermetic life.

violetdr3amer said:

Long-term, constant masking is unsustainable and leads to burnout and health problems. Your family and friends don't seem very understanding - are they aware that you are on the spectrum?

I only found out I was likely on the spectrum last week when told by a psychiatrist who has assessed me for ADHD and I old told my family today after I was able to talk to the doctor and get the ball rolling for an assessment. So no they didn't which is very likely where the problem as stemming from.

violetdr3amer said:

I can kinda relate, I was a very heavy masker pre-diagnosis and then had a mental breakdown after years of losing jobs and other problems, and now I just can't be arsed with masking. I feel a lot happier.

Thanks! This outright explains what I feel at the moment, I still mask in a lot of ways but it's much less complete, and I generally drop it in the house where the family see me (hence why they think there's something up)

Long-term, constant masking is unsustainable and leads to burnout and health problems. Your family and friends don't seem very understanding - are they aware that you are on the spectrum?

I can kinda relate, I was a very heavy masker pre-diagnosis and then had a mental breakdown after years of losing jobs and other problems, and now I just can't be arsed with masking. I feel a lot happier.

With hindsight it's really obvious that this is what was happening to me and seems almost ridiculous I didn't see it, though because I was extremely depressive I thought it was that worsening and that is also how I got treated for bipolar which never really clicked as an answer for me.

Rashford said:

The next problem was getting a job, I had no idea who to be in an interview

Yeah this is really familiar to me, the first time I had to do an interview I did so much work, planning, and what I now know is some form of mask modification and then I turned up for the interview, the interviewer was wearing a Donald duck t-shirt and jogging pants holding a mop bucket and the only question he asked was "When can you start?". I walked out of it entirely baffled and had to call later to confirm the information hed told me because it was so far outside of what I was expecting I'd forgotten to remember anything as id been trying to process it.

Turtle said:

Yes I know what you mean. I heard a quote recently " You can't be happy tomorrow ".

Thanks, I like that quote!

Turtle said:

I guess you could describe it as letting the mask fall off and to be in your natural state. I think how you are feeling is a good measuring gauge. You know, the more peaceful you're feeling, the more at ease etc. If you've never been happier this is wonderful. 

Oh! In this case yes I agree that is what I seem to be feeling it is nice to be more peaceful and I'm certainly less volatile this way too which is a positive for everyone around me.

Turtle said:

You can only try reassuring them you're fine as only you know best and you could promise to let them know if you are not.

Between reading on here and spending some time breaking it down in my head I've decided to go for an assessment, I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow to get the ball rolling and I think once that starts I'm going to talk to the family about Autism because I think if they know the psychiatrist that dealt with my ADHD said I was likely autistic from our work together and the doctor is referring me they will be more likely to listen to my reassurance. 

Turtle said:

I wouldn't get it for the benefit of anyone else. It is to help you not anyone else. 

Yeah, that's what it came down to in the end, it'll be useful for other people but at the end of the day, I can just tell people I'm autistic if all I wanted was some accommodations here and there but I don't think in the long run I will be happy unless I get the nod from a professional, honestly, the only reason it wasn't an automatic yes is I really struggle with rejection and catastrophizing so it scares me.

Pax said:

It is absolutely a good thing and I see that though I'd rather achieve happy rather than happier in the long run if that makes sense.

Yes I know what you mean. I heard a quote recently " You can't be happy tomorrow ".

Which basically means, there is no tomorrow, only right now, the present moment, ever.

Pax said:

Can I ask you to expand on how you mean I may be losing my ego? my understanding of Ego is its my sense of self and I feel if anything I'm being more truly myself but I may be misunderstanding or have a flawed definition.

I guess you could describe it as letting the mask fall off and to be in your natural state. I think how you are feeling is a good measuring gauge. You know, the more peaceful you're feeling, the more at ease etc. If you've never been happier this is wonderful. 

I have heard slightly different definitions of the ego in Psychology but I am referring to the ego in the spiritual sense.  

Pax said:

I have, but they frustratingly don't believe me. Unfortunately, I have had very bad mental health for my entire adulthood and teen years and due to instances of self-harm etc they see this behavior as a red flag and won't leave it alone.

You've actually tapped into the main reason I asked this question because I'm trying to decide if I should get officially diagnosed and if the behavior is likely the removal of the mask then getting diagnosed and educating them could help alleviate both an annoyance to me and anxiety of theirs. And thus would be a tick in the pro collum of going through the diagnostic process.

You can only try reassuring them you're fine as only you know best and you could promise to let them know if you are not. I don't know you so it's hard to offer specific advice. People don't like change and if your behavior has changed dramatically it is only natural they are concerned and are inclined to want the ' old you ' back. Again it is difficult to offer advice but the only thing I could say is ; be absolutely true to yourself and take it easy on yourself. Try doing things to lessen your anxiety, walk in nature, your special interests or whatever you enjoy. 

Regarding diagnoses, there are many threads here of should I or shouldn't I so take your time and browse those. Generally speaking, I would say getting diagnosed for anything would depend on the quality of life you are experiencing. If you are not coping well then being assessed by a medical professional may be helpful in order to get the right support or knowing what you're dealing with in order to manage your issue or not as the case may be. I wouldn't get it for the benefit of anyone else. It is to help you not anyone else. 

Yeah after any sort of period of time of masking there is a breakdown for some a time. This can be months or years. In different scenarios I will have different masks. These masks take maybe six months to create. Until this time I don't have a clue what to say or do. But once my mask is on I get on well at work/college/University. The breakdown after I left university was quite a large one. The next problem was getting a job, I had no idea who to be in an interview. 

It is absolutely a good thing and I see that though I'd rather achieve happy rather than happier in the long run if that makes sense.

Turtle said:

Maybe you're losing your ego.

Can I ask you to expand on how you mean I may be losing my ego? my understanding of Ego is its my sense of self and I feel if anything I'm being more truly myself but I may be misunderstanding or have a flawed definition.

Turtle said:

Tell them you've never been happier.

I have, but they frustratingly don't believe me. Unfortunately, I have had very bad mental health for my entire adulthood and teen years and due to instances of self-harm etc they see this behavior as a red flag and won't leave it alone.

You've actually tapped into the main reason I asked this question because I'm trying to decide if I should get officially diagnosed and if the behavior is likely the removal of the mask then getting diagnosed and educating them could help alleviate both an annoyance to me and anxiety of theirs. And thus would be a tick in the pro collum of going through the diagnostic process.

Pax said:

mmediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life.

Surely this is a good thing ? To be happier than you've ever been I would definitely rejoice. Maybe you're losing your ego.

Pax said:

The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken

Tell them you've never been happier.