Published on 12, July, 2020
My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?Background for those interestedA few years back I had a mental breakdown after years of struggling with depression and anxiety, at the time I had no idea what was going on and why I didn't seem to fit anywhere and was just broken but having finally started to get answers (ADHD and likely Autism), its raised a few questions about the way I act now vs before. Before the breakdown, most people would have thought I was mostly normal, with the possible exception of being a bit obsessive on some topics and missing the odd social cue and being quite introverted. This came with a massive toll on me and I would have to spend a lot of time recharging between social events and came with a lot of anxiety which I now know is likely because I was masking. Immediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life. The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken and have approached me saying I don't look right, stare off into space, don't emote correctly, among other comments, and they do things like tell me to cheer up when I'm perfectly happy and the like.
Before I was diagnosed I had a lot of anxiety and depressive episodes. Then I had an awful situation at work and lost my job. I didn't have a breakdown as such but it put me in a dark place. After that I lost the ability to "perform" and eventually had to change career altogether.
Now I'm diagnosed I think what I lost was my ability to mask, because it always felt like I was acting a role. At the time I thought everyone operated like this. Now, I'm learning to mask all over again, but just when I want or need to.
Yeah I think that's where I'm at too, I didn't lose the mask entirely I still performed in front of the doctors and therapist I saw looking back at it, probably the last people I should have been masking in front of but I didn't know I was doing it, I just thought I was putting my "outdoor" face on.