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Did I loose my mask after a mental break?

Pax

My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?


Background for those interested

A few years back I had a mental breakdown after years of struggling with depression and anxiety, at the time I had no idea what was going on and why I didn't seem to fit anywhere and was just broken but having finally started to get answers (ADHD and likely Autism), its raised a few questions about the way I act now vs before. 

Before the breakdown, most people would have thought I was mostly normal, with the possible exception of being a bit obsessive on some topics and missing the odd social cue and being quite introverted. This came with a massive toll on me and I would have to spend a lot of time recharging between social events and came with a lot of anxiety which I now know is likely because I was masking.

Immediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life. The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken and have approached me saying I don't look right, stare off into space, don't emote correctly, among other comments, and they do things like tell me to cheer up when I'm perfectly happy and the like. 

  • in reply to O

    I'm not sure this is quite what I meant above however, I do recognize what you're describing here, I went through some of it when I got my ADHD diagnosis and it seems to be happening again now. Once the people around me know what's going on I end up acting more as I do in private. I suspect with me it's because of the slackening of the social pressure to "Act normal" and I have to say it makes me feel better that I can openly fidget and stim without the comments which were always my hardest part fitting in.

  • Hiya,

    I don't know about masking.  I'm still trying to puzzel out if I do, have ever done, or how to tell if I am.  I don't go to parties if I don't feel happy, because pretending is just too much strain, for sure.

    If it's any help though, I had a real trauma about five years back and I feel I lost something in my emotional landscape then and have never really got it back.  I can't define it exactly, but the bit of me that used to respond sociably and positively to the outside world seems to have gone walk about and won't quite come back.  

  • Pax said:
    My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?

    In that social camouflaging and personal masking is learnt during childhood, the theatrical cloak, mask and wig set tends to get outgrown and like a suit of armour fragments and falls apart ~ hence some people have midlife crises and second childhoods and all that as the childhood pretence becomes incompatible with the realities of life.

    My attempts at camouflaging and masking only ever remained stable for a couple of years, and completely destabilised every four years, in very approximate yearly terms. So the only real camouflaging and masking I do now is on this website and others in terms of anonymising my individuality, which is very useful in terms of studying my previous and relinquished patterns of hiding in plain sight. 

  • I feel quite to same to you I'm only recently diagnosed with ASD about a month ago now but I had a bout two months before where I was just in a really and place mentally which lead me down the road of research and I discovered I was autistic, and got my diagnosis to confirm and since that point I feel very different.

    It's hard to put my finger on it exactly, I recently said in a another post that I almost feel like I'm not not the same person as I was pre-diagnosis, I have learnt so much about my self during my research, during the diagnostic process and still am now. And I really am different to who I was before.

    I've had the same experience as you from my mum in particular noticing things about me, how I'm behaving etc. I've been finding in a way it's a bit harder to mask because I'm so much more aware of self now which is crazy because I was super aware of myself before too it's just another level.

    O