Published on 12, July, 2020
My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?Background for those interestedA few years back I had a mental breakdown after years of struggling with depression and anxiety, at the time I had no idea what was going on and why I didn't seem to fit anywhere and was just broken but having finally started to get answers (ADHD and likely Autism), its raised a few questions about the way I act now vs before. Before the breakdown, most people would have thought I was mostly normal, with the possible exception of being a bit obsessive on some topics and missing the odd social cue and being quite introverted. This came with a massive toll on me and I would have to spend a lot of time recharging between social events and came with a lot of anxiety which I now know is likely because I was masking. Immediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life. The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken and have approached me saying I don't look right, stare off into space, don't emote correctly, among other comments, and they do things like tell me to cheer up when I'm perfectly happy and the like.
Pax said:mmediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life.
Surely this is a good thing ? To be happier than you've ever been I would definitely rejoice. Maybe you're losing your ego.
Pax said:The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken
Tell them you've never been happier.
It is absolutely a good thing and I see that though I'd rather achieve happy rather than happier in the long run if that makes sense.
Turtle said:Maybe you're losing your ego.
Can I ask you to expand on how you mean I may be losing my ego? my understanding of Ego is its my sense of self and I feel if anything I'm being more truly myself but I may be misunderstanding or have a flawed definition.
Turtle said:Tell them you've never been happier.
I have, but they frustratingly don't believe me. Unfortunately, I have had very bad mental health for my entire adulthood and teen years and due to instances of self-harm etc they see this behavior as a red flag and won't leave it alone. You've actually tapped into the main reason I asked this question because I'm trying to decide if I should get officially diagnosed and if the behavior is likely the removal of the mask then getting diagnosed and educating them could help alleviate both an annoyance to me and anxiety of theirs. And thus would be a tick in the pro collum of going through the diagnostic process.
Pax said:It is absolutely a good thing and I see that though I'd rather achieve happy rather than happier in the long run if that makes sense.
Yes I know what you mean. I heard a quote recently " You can't be happy tomorrow ".
Which basically means, there is no tomorrow, only right now, the present moment, ever.
Pax said:Can I ask you to expand on how you mean I may be losing my ego? my understanding of Ego is its my sense of self and I feel if anything I'm being more truly myself but I may be misunderstanding or have a flawed definition.
I guess you could describe it as letting the mask fall off and to be in your natural state. I think how you are feeling is a good measuring gauge. You know, the more peaceful you're feeling, the more at ease etc. If you've never been happier this is wonderful.
I have heard slightly different definitions of the ego in Psychology but I am referring to the ego in the spiritual sense.
Pax said:I have, but they frustratingly don't believe me. Unfortunately, I have had very bad mental health for my entire adulthood and teen years and due to instances of self-harm etc they see this behavior as a red flag and won't leave it alone. You've actually tapped into the main reason I asked this question because I'm trying to decide if I should get officially diagnosed and if the behavior is likely the removal of the mask then getting diagnosed and educating them could help alleviate both an annoyance to me and anxiety of theirs. And thus would be a tick in the pro collum of going through the diagnostic process.
You can only try reassuring them you're fine as only you know best and you could promise to let them know if you are not. I don't know you so it's hard to offer specific advice. People don't like change and if your behavior has changed dramatically it is only natural they are concerned and are inclined to want the ' old you ' back. Again it is difficult to offer advice but the only thing I could say is ; be absolutely true to yourself and take it easy on yourself. Try doing things to lessen your anxiety, walk in nature, your special interests or whatever you enjoy.
Regarding diagnoses, there are many threads here of should I or shouldn't I so take your time and browse those. Generally speaking, I would say getting diagnosed for anything would depend on the quality of life you are experiencing. If you are not coping well then being assessed by a medical professional may be helpful in order to get the right support or knowing what you're dealing with in order to manage your issue or not as the case may be. I wouldn't get it for the benefit of anyone else. It is to help you not anyone else.
Turtle said:Yes I know what you mean. I heard a quote recently " You can't be happy tomorrow ".
Thanks, I like that quote!
Turtle said:I guess you could describe it as letting the mask fall off and to be in your natural state. I think how you are feeling is a good measuring gauge. You know, the more peaceful you're feeling, the more at ease etc. If you've never been happier this is wonderful.
Oh! In this case yes I agree that is what I seem to be feeling it is nice to be more peaceful and I'm certainly less volatile this way too which is a positive for everyone around me.
Turtle said:You can only try reassuring them you're fine as only you know best and you could promise to let them know if you are not.
Between reading on here and spending some time breaking it down in my head I've decided to go for an assessment, I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow to get the ball rolling and I think once that starts I'm going to talk to the family about Autism because I think if they know the psychiatrist that dealt with my ADHD said I was likely autistic from our work together and the doctor is referring me they will be more likely to listen to my reassurance.
Turtle said:I wouldn't get it for the benefit of anyone else. It is to help you not anyone else.
Yeah, that's what it came down to in the end, it'll be useful for other people but at the end of the day, I can just tell people I'm autistic if all I wanted was some accommodations here and there but I don't think in the long run I will be happy unless I get the nod from a professional, honestly, the only reason it wasn't an automatic yes is I really struggle with rejection and catastrophizing so it scares me.