Published on 12, July, 2020
My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?Background for those interestedA few years back I had a mental breakdown after years of struggling with depression and anxiety, at the time I had no idea what was going on and why I didn't seem to fit anywhere and was just broken but having finally started to get answers (ADHD and likely Autism), its raised a few questions about the way I act now vs before. Before the breakdown, most people would have thought I was mostly normal, with the possible exception of being a bit obsessive on some topics and missing the odd social cue and being quite introverted. This came with a massive toll on me and I would have to spend a lot of time recharging between social events and came with a lot of anxiety which I now know is likely because I was masking. Immediately after the breakdown people expected me to be odd, and I was, but I started to heal and thanks to a supportive family, I found work I enjoy and a way to exist that is reasonably low stress and although I have a lot of anxiety and social issues still I'm happier now than I have been for most of my adult life. The problem is my family and friends all seem to think I'm still broken and have approached me saying I don't look right, stare off into space, don't emote correctly, among other comments, and they do things like tell me to cheer up when I'm perfectly happy and the like.
Pax said:My question is, having Recently researched Autism I had a lightbulb moment, is it possible I lost some of my mask during my mental break or healing process? I know I still mask sometimes and to some extent but I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this or thinks this is likely?
In that social camouflaging and personal masking is learnt during childhood, the theatrical cloak, mask and wig set tends to get outgrown and like a suit of armour fragments and falls apart ~ hence some people have midlife crises and second childhoods and all that as the childhood pretence becomes incompatible with the realities of life.
My attempts at camouflaging and masking only ever remained stable for a couple of years, and completely destabilised every four years, in very approximate yearly terms. So the only real camouflaging and masking I do now is on this website and others in terms of anonymising my individuality, which is very useful in terms of studying my previous and relinquished patterns of hiding in plain sight.
I'm not sure this is exactly what happened this time but you did make me suddenly aware of something. Every 3 to 4 years, usually triggered by some event or other, I'd go through a "broken period and come out the other side a slightly different person each time. I've never looked at it through the lens of it being a deconstruction and reconstruction of the mask, mainly because I wasn't actually aware I was masking, but I think you're right that's what was happening. The difference between those and this time was the mask didn't seem to come back up properly.