Hi i need some advice / help . I am desperate

Hi Leedslass

This is a really difficult situation and I understand your frustration. 

I would suggest starting the letter you want to write by telling him that you understand he is different. I would tell him that you think this may be because he is on the autistic spectrum, or has aspergers, and that you know that this makes it difficult for him to connect with others and for other people to understand him.

I would suggest to him that he does a Google search for "AQ test", explaining that this is a respected screening tool which will help him identify whether he is on the autistic spectrum, and let him know

that if the results confirm that he probably is, that he is not alone. 

I think it's important for Aspies who are just discovering what they are to remember that their "difference" gives them strengths as well as weaknesses, such as attention to detail, high levels of accuracy, analytical skills and creative minds, so it would be a good idea to bring this to his attention. 

I would also tell him that there is a lot of advice written by other people who are "different" that can be found on the Internet, and I recommend a book that may help if he is on the autistic spectrum - "a field guide to earthlings - an autistic / asperger view of neurotypical behaviour" (this can be downloaded from Amazon as a kindle book - if he doesn't have an actual kindle device, it can be read via the kindle app for phones, tablets or PCs)

I would keep the letter quite factual and non emotional, so that he won't get on the defensive.

Thank you for all your valuable comments it is so helpful some of these points. I will try them .  I know how embedded into his computer he is.  I have tried emailing him  just to see if he will reply ...but he doesn't.  He does answer the phone. 

I have mentioned many times that we will not be here for ever ...he just shakes.  I know im handling it all wrong and believe it or not i work with many autistic students in a variety points on the spectrum. They are all very young. I am just clueless as apart from staying calm , direct questions and instructions which all work.  I cant get past the barrier. 

He always says :_ I am different to others. He first said this when he was 16 and I missed the opportunity then....beat myself up. 

Can I get someone to come to our home if all else fails:_ Has anyone any experiance of this when you are faced with an adult!

Sorry I ramble I am just very frustrated and anxious.  I speak to him in a different way to everyone else in the house.

I have thought of going sitting in his bedroom and working there too...but I am sure he will just walk. 

I will try the non verbal approach with lots of ideas from here.  Anyone got any thoughts on how I could start this letter?

Desperate LeedsLASS

Thinking about things from his angle,  and the fact he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with him.  Would he accept do you think that other people are different to him and therefore something may be wrong with them? 

Suggest he takes the AQ test online to humour you and see if the results of it prompt him to research more by himself. 

If he can determine for himself that he is blessed with higher IQ than NT sufferers and ticks a lot of boxes on a well trusted test...  Perhaps he may be open to the idea that his differences to others are intimidating to them or cause them to avoid him

This I suppose won't get over him being content with how he is and therefore seek help.  

Has he considered what he will do when  you are too old to look after him? Has he considered what would happen if you weren't there? Would he cope or would he accept that he needs to start dealing with that and learning to not rely on you for housing,  food,  care etc? It may be that this will send him into a panic or anger at the thought -  but if it is repeated enough so he can't get away from it you may find the opening to get him to see a doctor who could help him. 

Visual prompts and written letters will be a good way to communicate to him in a way he finds more acceptable too.  I know my son will avoid talking about things he feels are awkward or irrelevant.  A TV program,  YouTube video or letter are far more effective at opening his mind to new concepts to prepare him for a verbal conversation 

I don't know your son and can't predict what his reactions will be to anything you try. It isn't even absolutely clear whether he is on the autistic spectrum - I believe it's possible to have depression and general anxiety disorder without being autistic,  and my GP said some depressed people exhibit autistic traits more when they're depressed, although I'm no expert. So it's quite hard to give advice. 

However, it is clear that this situation cannot be allowed to continue. He is a grown man and should not still be being looked after by his parents. I don't mean to be cruel, but if I was you I would make sure this was pointed out to him. I would write him a letter rather than trying to force him into a conversation where it may feel to him like a conflict situation. as this will give him time to read and think about it. I would gently point out to him that as an adult he is not being fair to you by expecting to be looked after without making any contribution, that he is not having the life he deserves, and that he needs to sort himself out. I would end by affirming that he is loved very much but that you are worried sick about him and you don't know what to do, so you are appealing to him to help and you want him to either speak to you or write you a message as soon as he feels able to. 

All the best 

Thanks Pixie fox.  Last time i mentioned to him he became angry (about 18months ago) and retreated to his room.  He barely comes out of there except to eat ...no friends, no work, doesn't sign on, only responds to the dogs and loves long long lists of words! He is mega intelligent. Hos brother says hes weird and does not bother with him but I know he has all the characteristics of his cousins but deeper. 

Im lost as to what to do. 

Does he work? Does he have any friends?  Is there anyone else in your family circle who he relates to more easily? 

I wouldn't mention going to the doctor again. I know you're worried, but autism isn't an illness, and if he's suffering from depression he won't get anything out of a consultation unless he wants to be helped that way. He's an adult and needs to make his own decisions, and by going on about it you could jeopardise your relationship with him. 

Take care 

HI 

Thanks for your reply.  He just says ther ei snothing wrong with him. Gets angry if mention it too.  He really does need help. I cannot get past the brick wall he creates with us and our family network. 

He only comes down on xmas day really to sit eat but looks so stressed all the time.  I did ttry to bring the subject up on th ephone with him but he is very clever and knows when i am trying to and then says is dad there. 

I might try the letter as I can be careful how i phrase it to him.  

I wish there was a group I could go to for advice and support as i am getting to old to be worrying like this

Hey.

Have you been able to determine why he won't go to the doctors? Is it that he does not want a diagnosis, is he scared of doctors, or is he scared of leaving the hose completely (agoraphobia)?

You say he communicates when on the phone. It may sound a bit weird but have you tried ringing him on the phone to discuss this? Or a letter or email? It may be that he will feel more comfortable communicating about this in a non face to face way.

Depending on what the reason for not wanting to see the GP, will be important in deciding what to do. If it's a fear of leaving the house you could ask for a house visit. If it is because he does not want a diagnosis that is tricky, as he is an adult and cannot be forced to do anything against his wants and it could create a breakdown in your relationship with him. He is probably feeling very isolated and alone and it can't be pleasant, so it could be that he could be persuaded, as it would be in his best interest.