Newly diagnosed at 52 and struggling

53 year old male here, just joined, diagnosed three months ago. I need to change my default state which is to claim that the only people who give a stuff are the fellow affected. I feel so alone and lack resources or friends. Crushed.

I know that this site isn't for everyone, but if you do decide to stick around, changing your username and profile picture would give you a bit more visibility and make you more memorable (the NASnumbers all look the same and are plagued with AI robots). This post will stay - it will just update your username.

I'm sure my therapist would tell me (in fact I'm pretty certain that she has done) that this is a form of grief. Not daft, at all. Entirely understandable and perfectly reasonable.

Yes, quite. Masking is SO draining. I've just reread your original post. You asked what can help if antidepressants don't.

I can't answer for you, obviously, and there isn't an easy answer. For me, I think part of the answer may be that I can now understand some of the triggers for most of my depression. For me, I think it was the constant struggle and inevitable failure to adapt to a neurotypical world. OK, so I get that I do need to adapt my behaviour at times in certain situations. It's always going to be difficult for me to fit in, but it's no failure when I don't, because I am as I am. I suppose I'm learning that it's OK for me to realise that I've had enough masking and to retreat to recover and to be on my own or with others who understand the real me. In the past I would beat myself up about my perceived failures. I accept that I don't need to do that now. I may feel it for a while, but I think I can move on a bit more easily to a calmer place where I am myself and don't have to conform to some other "norm". I am still often misunderstood and consequently frustrated, but I do also a feeling of liberation at times. I hope that will grow.

I'm 62 (not yet diagnosed), but look forward to whatever comes next. It's been a long and very painful road, but at least this realisation has come to me and whatever time is left may be better than what has been. I might never have realised.

Without a forum such as this, it would be extremely easy to feel that you are utterly alone and unique in this struggle - but you aren't. I personally still cannot get past the irony of just how familiar the emotions and thoughts you and many others convey are to my own (48yo M, diagnosed ASD this year). As much as we are all unique individuals with our autism, the fear, grief, and anger over a 'lost life' do seem to be very common. Still well into this phase myself with no indication yet that I am 'coming to terms', but I am trying to taper off of some of the medication.

As a 53 years old Irish gay man living in the U.K. 23 years, diagnosed in 2021, I agree and can relate - to me, this a moral issue that we are being effectively cast aside following our diagnosis and I count myself lucky that I have a strong Catholic faith to rely on 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It really helps to hear I am not on my own x

I thought it would be a relief and maybe it will in time but right now I feel like I am in mourning.  It is ridiculous but I have always known I was different.  When lockdown arrived I was so happy.  I didn't have to socialise, speak to people, shops were quieter with fewer shoppers, everyone kept their distance and I had a legitimate excuse not to leave the house. It was the calmest I had ever been. 

Thank you for replying and good luck x

Thank you. I do understand. I haven't given too much time to really understanding my diagnosis as I feel it may take me over the edge at the moment.  I've acknowledged it but I know that the deeper I look into it the angrier i am going to get. I've been on antidepressants since 18 and i have tried all of them and nothing works. But I do understand why they have been useless.  It does help , thank you. It is a very lonely place and apart from my GP and this forum I have no one anymore. My meltdowns and 'quiet' behaviour has pushed everyone away over the years. so all comments do help.  Take care and good luck when you start processing. x

Thank you x

thank you Mark.  I feel very odd at the moment.  I feel as though I am grieving, so daft.  Thank you for your kind words, take care.

Masking is exhausting, I've spent my life exhausted and now I'm understanding why.  It's so hard. Take care and thank you for taking the time to reply.

Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to hear x

Thank you, Take care.

thank you for your reply.  I know it'll take time and it is very lonely especially as family will not accept it.  Time I guess. Thank you and take care x

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It really helped to hear from you. Thank you and take care x

There are days when im scared for my future. I discovered at age 59 that i am autistic and this year with ADHD. Im exhausted. My traits are so apparent to me now. I have been trying to live a life of a neurotypical person because i didnt know any different. 

I suspect that anxiety and low mood are as a result of being autistic and not knowing it. Sometimes i want to cry and for someone to take care of me other times im strong. Its exhausting. We will never kniw what may have been different had we known. I now want to undo what i have worked so hard at doung and be my true autistic self. Im not angry but shocked that it has gone undetected for so long. Its big. Others dont realise just how big it is. The medical proffesionals and the public need prompt educating on neurodivergentce. Like you i have little relief from being prescribed antidepressants most of my adult life. Probably because i wasnt depressed, but couldn't cope with the demands of life and what i took on. I saw others doing things and i thought i can do that. But it was too much for me. I feel torn. I need to rest. You are not alone. I am trying to embrace what i now call my quirky self, i see it now. Im proud to get here at 60, but i most definitely would not want to do it again. We need to love ourselves, embrace our differences. 

There was no support then and is very little now. I feel im on my own. 

A psychologist said to someone i know.....you dont need fixing, your autistic. 

I think an assesment and diagnosis will validate our differences and challenges. It may come with advise on how to navigate life as we are getting older x

If it’s any comfort I think your response is far from unusual. Dealing with long term anxiety, depression and ocd is a lot to deal with - as is processing an autism diagnosis later in life. 
I was diagnosed fairly recently (about two years ago) and I’m in my 50’s. I experienced a lot of different emotions and I think you have to just allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don’t push the feelings away - accept that they are a part of processing this new perspective that you have on your life. Try not to ruminate too much on the past - you can’t do anything about the past. ‘If only……’ - this is not going to help you. It’s the past, it’s DONE. What matters is now is finding the things that make you feel good right now. Similarly when it comes to thinking about the future it’s best not to focus on that too much either - because you cannot truly know how things will play out for you long term. 
Btw medication never helped my anxiety either - it made it much worse! And I hear this a lot from autistic people. 
The menopause might be a part of your current feelings about everything - a lot of women get diagnosed with autism in their fifties and I think the menopause can push us into dealing with issues we’ve managed for a long time. It can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

What’s helped me most in recent years has been enjoying creative projects - painting, drawing and crafts. Sewing, jewellery making. I get ‘lost’ in these things and it really helps my mental health. Music too massively helps. Also I’ve been studying Buddhism and that’s made a huge difference to me and changed how I look at myself and the world. And I’ve started doing Qigong too. And walking in the countryside is so soothing and helps so much.

Ultimately there is no ‘silver bullet’ - it’s about finding the things that help you to feel happier and enjoy life. Try to let the past go - in fact let lots of things go. For example your GP - I’m sure they were doing their best but they have a lot of patients and a lot of pressure. Getting angry with your GP will not help you at all - so let it go. There’s no point to it. 

Try to be kind to yourself - you’ve been through a lot. It’s important that we show love and kindness to ourselves as well as to others. You’re not ‘wrong’ - try to stop yourself when you start using that internal language that is very destructive. 

please don’t lose hope that things can get better. I’ve been to such dark places with my mental and physical health too - but there really are many things you can do to make life happier and more enjoyable again. Try to focus on the present moment and the small things that give you pleasure. Things like a comforting hot drink or making a delicious meal. Or a warm Bath with nice Bath oils, or fresh sheets on your bed and candlelight. Tiny moments of pleasure and happiness can be found if we look for them. We don’t need to dwell on the past or feel we have to work out the future. Try to enjoy one thing today, and relish it. The conditions for happiness are there but we often don’t really notice them because we are focusing on things that are completely outside of our control. 

You’re not alone - millions of people have felt how you’re feeling now. It’s part of the human condition to struggle - so please don’t judge yourself harshly. Be kind to yourself and things truly can get better. 

   You are so far from alone. You contain multitudes. You are unique and amazing, just as you are. Now, Live that full life now, today.

   The past, where ever you were, is a reliquary: fine for a visit, for curiosity sake, but a bad place to get stuck in. IOW: Don't look down when climbing the cliff.

    We all walk the path of self discovery, that's the point. Blame and jealousy feed negativity and stagnation. Find new sandboxes, new playmates. They are waiting for you to turn from negativity to face them, to acknowledge them, to share in their joy.

   Regain your power  and let all those others who you would be angry with off the hook and set that newly released energy free.  Let that past be a launchpad to self acceptance and love, to celebration!. 

" Ladies and gentlemen, we have liftoff!" 

Hi, my story is very similar to your own. So I can relate. I think we go through a grieving process. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And I don't think it's just grieving for the past. I believe I'm grieving for my future too. I had this dream/fairytale/hope and now that I know I'm autistic, I'm thinking that it's got even less of a chance of happening. 

You get to know yourself better as time goes on. What triggers you, how much self care/soothing you need to lessen the chance of overwhelm. What you need to avoid/lessen.  But I am more aware of my traits and differences now. Self love is important. 

Please know that you are not wrong. We are just different, and we are definitely not less. Xx