Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
My situation is very similar in many ways.
So many people could have picked up on it, but I made it quite hard by "masking" my difference very effectively. I tried so hard to be normal, to fit in. It's hardly a wonder that it was missed.
I hope that you come to realise that you are most definitely not 'wrong'.
Anger is understandable, but when it settles, please remember that you are not 'wrong'.
A lot of us felt the same way.
Try not to feel cross with your GP, I don't think they have much training regarding autism and it can be very difficult to detect in older females who have masked for decades.
I'm an older woman too, and when I realised I was on the spectrum I felt bewildered. I got through it by learning about autism, particularly how it affects women, and starting to do what I wanted and not care what people thought about me.
Keep posting and asking questions.
Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this ordeal. I don't have any advice for you but please know you are not alone.
I am 66 years old and was diagnosed earlier this year after a protracted process. Like you, I've had depression, anxiety and OCD as well as some other conditions. Since I was 10, shortly after my first SA., I've been on a plethora of antidepressants and anxiolytics. None of the antidepressants has helped, in any way. The help I have obtained from the anxiolytics comes at a cost of addiction or worse. I currently take two antidepressants, one of which is prohibitively expensive. I take it to be "compliant" with my GP's instructions. I can't lie to her. If I don't take the medication she gets upset. That's my problem, with which to deal.
I haven't had the energy to process my diagnosis thus far. If, and when, I get around to processing my life through an autism lens I expect it is going to be difficult. Independent of the ASC diagnosis, I live each day in crisis mode. I get through each day one hour at a time. For me, the future corresponds to bedtime today, no further. Beyond my GP I have no support or even acknowledgement of my "issues"
I don't expect this will be of any help to you, I'm just providing it to let you know you are not alone. I feel for you, in my very limited way.
Please be kind to and take care.of yourself.
I was given my provisional diagnosis at 50 and I'm still awaiting on a confirmed diagnosis 4 years down the line. It seemed a relief, a reason for the lack of "fit". I'm not broken, just a little different.
Like you I've experienced depression and anxiety for most if not all of my life and it has been a struggle.
I often feel the grief or loss of the life that could have been, I've been told not to discount the achievements I have made, which really isn't easy as it's just the daily grind and not something I've knowingly fought against.
It's incredibly difficult. You are not alone. I have Alexithymia and I can't experience happiness in a form that I can easily explain, I know there are people that care for me and would miss me if I wasn't here, even though i can't qualify the feeling.
You spoke of your GP, I was diagnosed with dysthymia at 18 and over the years it was decided that I had treatment resistant depression.
Roll on 32 years + and here we are.
I have an autistic son who tries me every day but I won't give up on him or myself.
I work and have a wife , 2 kids, 2 dogs and a house of my own and I still feel I don't belong, my place in the world seems denied.
Diagnosis isn't a flash of redemption or a magic wand, we are who we are. It just gives you the confirmation of what you've felt your entire life.
I found that venting to a phycologist was the most beneficial thing I did, just let it out. It's surprising what you learn about yourself.
Good luck and take care
Hi I am sorry you feel sad and angry. It is difficult after diagnosis I know a lot of people post that on here and I also had a difficult year after my diagnosis in 2018. I am 57 now.
I haven't really got any answers for you but just wanted to say I relate to what you are saying and that it did get better for me after time.
This is a good forum with some really kind people on it so I am sure you will find some comfort from sharing with others who understand and have gone through this too.
You will hopefully find that when you post on here you won't feel so alone.
Take care.