Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
Hi, my story is very similar to your own. So I can relate. I think we go through a grieving process. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And I don't think it's just grieving for the past. I believe I'm grieving for my future too. I had this dream/fairytale/hope and now that I know I'm autistic, I'm thinking that it's got even less of a chance of happening.
You get to know yourself better as time goes on. What triggers you, how much self care/soothing you need to lessen the chance of overwhelm. What you need to avoid/lessen. But I am more aware of my traits and differences now. Self love is important.
Please know that you are not wrong. We are just different, and we are definitely not less. Xx
Thank you so much for your reply. It really helps to hear x