Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
My situation is very similar in many ways.
So many people could have picked up on it, but I made it quite hard by "masking" my difference very effectively. I tried so hard to be normal, to fit in. It's hardly a wonder that it was missed.
Masking is exhausting, I've spent my life exhausted and now I'm understanding why. It's so hard. Take care and thank you for taking the time to reply.
Yes, quite. Masking is SO draining. I've just reread your original post. You asked what can help if antidepressants don't.I can't answer for you, obviously, and there isn't an easy answer. For me, I think part of the answer may be that I can now understand some of the triggers for most of my depression. For me, I think it was the constant struggle and inevitable failure to adapt to a neurotypical world. OK, so I get that I do need to adapt my behaviour at times in certain situations. It's always going to be difficult for me to fit in, but it's no failure when I don't, because I am as I am. I suppose I'm learning that it's OK for me to realise that I've had enough masking and to retreat to recover and to be on my own or with others who understand the real me. In the past I would beat myself up about my perceived failures. I accept that I don't need to do that now. I may feel it for a while, but I think I can move on a bit more easily to a calmer place where I am myself and don't have to conform to some other "norm". I am still often misunderstood and consequently frustrated, but I do also a feeling of liberation at times. I hope that will grow.I'm 62 (not yet diagnosed), but look forward to whatever comes next. It's been a long and very painful road, but at least this realisation has come to me and whatever time is left may be better than what has been. I might never have realised.