Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this ordeal. I don't have any advice for you but please know you are not alone.
I am 66 years old and was diagnosed earlier this year after a protracted process. Like you, I've had depression, anxiety and OCD as well as some other conditions. Since I was 10, shortly after my first SA., I've been on a plethora of antidepressants and anxiolytics. None of the antidepressants has helped, in any way. The help I have obtained from the anxiolytics comes at a cost of addiction or worse. I currently take two antidepressants, one of which is prohibitively expensive. I take it to be "compliant" with my GP's instructions. I can't lie to her. If I don't take the medication she gets upset. That's my problem, with which to deal.
I haven't had the energy to process my diagnosis thus far. If, and when, I get around to processing my life through an autism lens I expect it is going to be difficult. Independent of the ASC diagnosis, I live each day in crisis mode. I get through each day one hour at a time. For me, the future corresponds to bedtime today, no further. Beyond my GP I have no support or even acknowledgement of my "issues"
I don't expect this will be of any help to you, I'm just providing it to let you know you are not alone. I feel for you, in my very limited way.
Please be kind to and take care.of yourself.
Thank you. I do understand. I haven't given too much time to really understanding my diagnosis as I feel it may take me over the edge at the moment. I've acknowledged it but I know that the deeper I look into it the angrier i am going to get. I've been on antidepressants since 18 and i have tried all of them and nothing works. But I do understand why they have been useless. It does help , thank you. It is a very lonely place and apart from my GP and this forum I have no one anymore. My meltdowns and 'quiet' behaviour has pushed everyone away over the years. so all comments do help. Take care and good luck when you start processing. x