Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
There are days when im scared for my future. I discovered at age 59 that i am autistic and this year with ADHD. Im exhausted. My traits are so apparent to me now. I have been trying to live a life of a neurotypical person because i didnt know any different.
I suspect that anxiety and low mood are as a result of being autistic and not knowing it. Sometimes i want to cry and for someone to take care of me other times im strong. Its exhausting. We will never kniw what may have been different had we known. I now want to undo what i have worked so hard at doung and be my true autistic self. Im not angry but shocked that it has gone undetected for so long. Its big. Others dont realise just how big it is. The medical proffesionals and the public need prompt educating on neurodivergentce. Like you i have little relief from being prescribed antidepressants most of my adult life. Probably because i wasnt depressed, but couldn't cope with the demands of life and what i took on. I saw others doing things and i thought i can do that. But it was too much for me. I feel torn. I need to rest. You are not alone. I am trying to embrace what i now call my quirky self, i see it now. Im proud to get here at 60, but i most definitely would not want to do it again. We need to love ourselves, embrace our differences.
There was no support then and is very little now. I feel im on my own.
A psychologist said to someone i know.....you dont need fixing, your autistic.
I think an assesment and diagnosis will validate our differences and challenges. It may come with advise on how to navigate life as we are getting older x
Thank you for taking the time to reply. It really helped to hear from you. Thank you and take care x