Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
I was given my provisional diagnosis at 50 and I'm still awaiting on a confirmed diagnosis 4 years down the line. It seemed a relief, a reason for the lack of "fit". I'm not broken, just a little different.
Like you I've experienced depression and anxiety for most if not all of my life and it has been a struggle.
I often feel the grief or loss of the life that could have been, I've been told not to discount the achievements I have made, which really isn't easy as it's just the daily grind and not something I've knowingly fought against.
It's incredibly difficult. You are not alone. I have Alexithymia and I can't experience happiness in a form that I can easily explain, I know there are people that care for me and would miss me if I wasn't here, even though i can't qualify the feeling.
You spoke of your GP, I was diagnosed with dysthymia at 18 and over the years it was decided that I had treatment resistant depression.
Roll on 32 years + and here we are.
I have an autistic son who tries me every day but I won't give up on him or myself.
I work and have a wife , 2 kids, 2 dogs and a house of my own and I still feel I don't belong, my place in the world seems denied.
Diagnosis isn't a flash of redemption or a magic wand, we are who we are. It just gives you the confirmation of what you've felt your entire life.
I found that venting to a phycologist was the most beneficial thing I did, just let it out. It's surprising what you learn about yourself.
Good luck and take care
I thought it would be a relief and maybe it will in time but right now I feel like I am in mourning. It is ridiculous but I have always known I was different. When lockdown arrived I was so happy. I didn't have to socialise, speak to people, shops were quieter with fewer shoppers, everyone kept their distance and I had a legitimate excuse not to leave the house. It was the calmest I had ever been.
Thank you for replying and good luck x