Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
I'm a 52 year old woman and recently diagnosed as autistic. I feel so sad and angry and am struggling. I've always known I was wrong and very different but just plodded along, tried to fit in.
I've had depression, anxiety and OCD since I was 19 but with no real relief from medication. If medicine doesn't work what does? I'm mourning the life I could have had if I'd had support all those years ago. I know times were different but I'm drowning in questions. Would I have stayed in my career longer, could I have saved my marriage, would my relationship with my 3 daughters be better, 2 of which are autistic? The list is endless.
Does the anger pass? My GP has been brilliant but I'm cross with him. I've had numerous chats with him over the years. Why didn't he pick up on it?
What difference will the diagnosis make? I feel too old for it to matter anymore. My mind feels scrambled and if I'm honest I'm scared for the future. How do I know if my symptoms are due to depression, anxiety, autism, ocd or the menopause?
I just feel very alone.
Thank you
Without a forum such as this, it would be extremely easy to feel that you are utterly alone and unique in this struggle - but you aren't. I personally still cannot get past the irony of just how familiar the emotions and thoughts you and many others convey are to my own (48yo M, diagnosed ASD this year). As much as we are all unique individuals with our autism, the fear, grief, and anger over a 'lost life' do seem to be very common. Still well into this phase myself with no indication yet that I am 'coming to terms', but I am trying to taper off of some of the medication.