NT-ND marriage

I think you are being very supportive and looking for a 3rd party to help is great for both of you.  Relationships are very difficult to navigate at the best of times but through ND into the mix and things become a lot harder.  

Thank you, Roy. This describes what I've been going through since finding out I'm autistic. 

Hi, would you be able to elaborate more on what you put in your diary if you didn't mind? Do you mean writing down situations that have happened in the family and then discriptions of the feelings of the family that arise from this? Do you show and discuss this with your son or is it for your own self reflection? Thank you for your help. 

Worrier said:

I sort of expect an instant response - which is not feasible for anyone, especially a person who needs a lot of time to process things

Speaking from my own experience , I need time to weigh EVERYTHING up before I can decide how I feel about something. It often takes me a long time to come round to something,  Also, with a literal brain which needs things to "fit", it might be what's read by him doesn't entirely "fit" so is dismissed. This makes sense because we are all individual beings. One of the best things I have learned about which has helped massively in an NT/ND relationship is Double Empathy. It sounds like you've had a lot of patience with each other over the years. That's definitely worth something.

Thank you for this. I was once asked why I, the autistic one, could stay married to a non-autistic wife for so long. My flippant answer was that I was away on business  a lot. What it really was is that I had time on my own when I could be in control and not have to try to be allistic (non-autistic). I didn't need to be fixed but I did need time to reassess my life and realise I had not changed. As others said, I appear to others to be more autistic but I am just being myself. I do struggle with hints, innuendos etc. In some ways I need poeple to be more blunt with me or I don't understand what they are trying to say. Realising I  am Autistic so late in life has been a he'll of a shock but accepting that I have been successful because of my Autism and not in spite of it has really helped.

Thank you. I needed to hear a lot of this. He’s come back to me and said he’s not interested in counselling - he has a lot of anxiety and suspicion about talking to a counsellor because he says it is likely to be hard on ‘people like me’ and because we had a bad experience (at my instigation) a couple of years ago of a session with an Ed Psych regarding my elder (NT) child. I dm pretty disappointed since I thought he might feel differently about someone recommended by autistic people. He also said he couldn’t see what deliverables I am looking for. I said I understood but might come back to him to try to clarify what I thought. He did say he’d be willing to read advice books or listen to podcasts, which led to a row because he immediately dismissed one of the ones I’d suggested which really resonated for me. Eventually he explained that it just didn’t make sense to him, so we’re trying a different one and I’ve ordered some ASD specific ones including the book recommended upthread. That also led to a brief conversation about burnout which was helpful in fact. Thank you to everyone who’s responded - it’s really helpful having a place to bounce off -I know one issue is that I’ve been holding things in for a while, and now that I’ve finally articulated my concerns, I sort of expect an instant response - which is not feasible for anyone, especially a person who needs a lot of time to process things. My own counsellor in the past suggested that sometimes I need to take my foot off the spouse pedal’ and I think I need to keep reminding myself of that while not losing hope that things could develop in a positive way.

Goodness, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that with your health on top of everything else that’s going on for you. I’ve noticed that my O/H doesn’t cope well with the stress if I’m not well and you really shouldn’t feel foolish, your health is important. Well done for emailing your O/H about the counsellor you’ve found for him, it’s really not easy I know. I suspect that he’s feeling overwhelmed by the thought of speaking to someone and maybe just needs time to adjust to the idea. I think he’s taking that out on you as you’re the closest to him and he feels safe to do that, I have experienced the same and it’s really hard not to take it personally. I’ve found that just ignoring it and trying to understand that it’s not personal is the only way I can deal with it. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that he comes round to the idea. 

Thanks so much - I think that’s pretty much where we are only I don’t think OH realises or recognises that he’s basically in burn-out and needs help (and not help from me). I went back and forth on encouraging him to seek counselling for himself - I decided in the end that he’d interpret that as me saying he is broken and problems are his fault. Thanks to all of you, I had the courage to suggest we needed help; the counsellor I’ve suggested was recommended by an autistic friend (he is very nervous about seeing someone who doesn’t get neurodivergent traits and would stereotype him) and she sees people individually as well. I’ve suggested he could contact her first to check if he’s comfortable and am hoping that he’ll find that talking to her individually helpful. I emailed hm’about it yesterday (email because he was away and wanted him to have space to think and process before we discussed) but have had no response or acknowledgment of the email. Unfortunately the timing turned out to be pretty bad because just after I sent it, I started to feel very unwell and was advised by NHS 111 to get checked at A&E, so spent the afternoon there and OH came back early because of it. Turns out it was nothing serious thank goodness but obviously stressful and prob difficult for him to handle. Trying to just give him Space and not push but feel like I am in coventry, and also feeling foolish about going to A&E for nothing. Sorry total word splurge 

Hi Worrier, 

I've totally been through the same, I'm NT, O/H is ND and recently diagnosed. He has been really spiralling and is now experiencing burnout and included in that has been what appears to be resentment against me, him remembering the times in the past that I've got angry and called him all the names under the sun, for behaviours that we're now realising are due to him being ND. It's been so hard but I've come to understand that this resentment is not personal and was due to my lack of understanding of what was actually going on. My O/H is seeing a therapist who is also ND which is helping and we have had some couples counselling which helped but he's focusing on his therapy as the moment to help him come to terms with everything. Maybe your O/H might feel comfortable with that first? I do know how difficult it can be to broach this and I've found being calm and patient really helps, when its not always easy. I found this book so helpful too. 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Partner-Handbook-Spectrum-5-Minute/dp/164841172X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1A8HHIAKO30YU&keywords=The+Autism+Partner+Handbook%3A+How+to+Love+Someone+on+the+Spectrum&qid=1708090727&s=books&sprefix=the+autism+partner+handbook+how+to+love+someone+on+the+spectrum%2Cstripbooks%2C78&sr=1-1

All the best to you xx

Great tip!

Your very welcome 

Don’t know if this would help but it’s helped me, I write in a diary every day for my son about what’s going on and how we felt with it. It really helped me to pick up on patterns of behaviour and then helped me to learn ways to distract him from when he is struggling. It’s reassuring also to look back and see how far we have come and think it will make interesting reading for him when he’s older.

This is super helpful - I think he would really benefit from finding a community but he is not that way inclined and I don’t think on the push can come from me, but bring reminded how overwhelming it all must be is really helpful

Thanks so much, this is really helpful and good to have a sense of the ND experience. I wish you all the best for your own future

Thank you

Hi, you are doing all the right things, there is most probably a battle raging inside your husbands head at the moment. I  know when I realised I’m autistic a whole range of emotions were bombarding me.  First elation in some way for finally finding the answer, then the processing starts and you go right back to childhood, all the things that have sort of gone wrong through life start to be thought of differently, you start to morn for the person you could have been. Autistic people most probably aren’t the best communicators, it sort of takes over your life, it often reaches a period of burnout, over time your husband will start telling you little bits of what’s going on. He will get to acceptance and hopefully start to embrace autism, half the struggle is not having another autistic person to ask questions to. It’s why I came to this forum, I needed answers.

Maybe your husband would benefit by asking questions here. It sounds strange but after realisation a lot of autistic people start to be more autistic, often autistic traits have been suppressed to try and look normal then unmasking starts only normally with those very close to you.

He may be feeling guilt because one of your children maybe autistic, it’s very much,”did I give my child this, is their life going to be like mine?”

Personally I would find it hard to discuss my feelings with a third party, but obviously the option is there.

Sorry I can’t offer more practical advice, I’m just trying to explain how he might be feeling. On a side note, it’s not just his journey, it does affect those around him, make sure you have time and someone who you can talk to, maybe a friend you trust.

Hi Worrier

I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am Nd and my wife is Nt and we have been together for the best part of 27yrs ish. Firstly I can sympathise with you both and must just make the point that despite your grievances atm try to remember there shouldn’t be any hard feelings towards each other as you were both unaware of your partner’s neurodiversity. Secondly I just wanted to give you an idea of what your partner is going through right now (if it is anything like what I have been trying to process) I have had 48 years worth of situations, disagreements and countless times of feeling I don’t handle life too well, I have had to go through all this in my head over a number of months. My relationship is very far from rosy but I came to a conclusion not too long ago….. even though I have felt very hurt by the names I have been called and sometimes how I have been treated in the past being Nd wasn’t a thing. Can I forgive that? Yes. What is important to remember now you do know is how both of you can adjust and be more mindful towards each other. For me this will be the make or break because now we are both clear that not only my son but I have issues. I am sure as he trudges through the years gone by and processes it all you will both have a clearer path to go down. 

try and be patient and think about how you say things, as my father used to tell me “engage brain before mouth” 

I really do hope you can find a middle ground in the future and I really do empathise with how this has all be a shock for you both. 
Good luck for the future and if you have any questions feel free to post back?

Worrier said:

and  validation is in short supply for me

Not here, it's not.

You've evidently been with your partner long enough to procreate.  You've noticed an issue, and are doing everything sensible to prepare for it.  You write cogently and with fluidity.

For what it's worth.....I think you are gonna be fine.

Notwithstanding, I am grateful for you kind words in my direction too.

Godspeed.

Thanks so much - it’s quite validating to be told all of that and  validation is in short supply for me

Two people involved in this.  You and them.  Do what you can.....CALMLY.  If it goes titsup, you have already found the suitable 3rd party to get involved.  You are evidently prepared and organised.  This is GOOD!  Don't fear your abilities.....if your partner is ND and you are NT....you obviously have a successful means of communication - it's not like this is your third date!!

Be brave, be calm......try to talk it out.

Just my opinion, for what that's worth.......and I wish you the best of luck in any event.

Kindest regards

Number.