Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’d welcome advice on how to navigate a situation in my relationship. I’m NT married to spouse who’s realised he’s ND as part of the process of getting a diagnosis for one of our children. This seems to be awakening a lot of bitterness as spouse looks back on past through a different lens, and it often feels like a lot of resentment is projected on to me. I think we need to work all this through with a counsellor and have found someone with expertise and experience of working with ND clients. But I’m scared of suggesting - a) because spouse will think I’m evading responsibility for problems they attribute to my flaws, and b) because worry spouse will think I need them to change or aM rejecting them for being ND - I don’t and I’m not. I just need us to communicate better and to talk these difficult things through without a row.
Hi, you are doing all the right things, there is most probably a battle raging inside your husbands head at the moment. I know when I realised I’m autistic a whole range of emotions were bombarding me. First elation in some way for finally finding the answer, then the processing starts and you go right back to childhood, all the things that have sort of gone wrong through life start to be thought of differently, you start to morn for the person you could have been. Autistic people most probably aren’t the best communicators, it sort of takes over your life, it often reaches a period of burnout, over time your husband will start telling you little bits of what’s going on. He will get to acceptance and hopefully start to embrace autism, half the struggle is not having another autistic person to ask questions to. It’s why I came to this forum, I needed answers.
Maybe your husband would benefit by asking questions here. It sounds strange but after realisation a lot of autistic people start to be more autistic, often autistic traits have been suppressed to try and look normal then unmasking starts only normally with those very close to you.
He may be feeling guilt because one of your children maybe autistic, it’s very much,”did I give my child this, is their life going to be like mine?”
Personally I would find it hard to discuss my feelings with a third party, but obviously the option is there.
Sorry I can’t offer more practical advice, I’m just trying to explain how he might be feeling. On a side note, it’s not just his journey, it does affect those around him, make sure you have time and someone who you can talk to, maybe a friend you trust.
This is super helpful - I think he would really benefit from finding a community but he is not that way inclined and I don’t think on the push can come from me, but bring reminded how overwhelming it all must be is really helpful
Your very welcome
Don’t know if this would help but it’s helped me, I write in a diary every day for my son about what’s going on and how we felt with it. It really helped me to pick up on patterns of behaviour and then helped me to learn ways to distract him from when he is struggling. It’s reassuring also to look back and see how far we have come and think it will make interesting reading for him when he’s older.
Hi, would you be able to elaborate more on what you put in your diary if you didn't mind? Do you mean writing down situations that have happened in the family and then discriptions of the feelings of the family that arise from this? Do you show and discuss this with your son or is it for your own self reflection? Thank you for your help.
Great tip!