Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’d welcome advice on how to navigate a situation in my relationship. I’m NT married to spouse who’s realised he’s ND as part of the process of getting a diagnosis for one of our children. This seems to be awakening a lot of bitterness as spouse looks back on past through a different lens, and it often feels like a lot of resentment is projected on to me. I think we need to work all this through with a counsellor and have found someone with expertise and experience of working with ND clients. But I’m scared of suggesting - a) because spouse will think I’m evading responsibility for problems they attribute to my flaws, and b) because worry spouse will think I need them to change or aM rejecting them for being ND - I don’t and I’m not. I just need us to communicate better and to talk these difficult things through without a row.
Hi, you are doing all the right things, there is most probably a battle raging inside your husbands head at the moment. I know when I realised I’m autistic a whole range of emotions were bombarding me. First elation in some way for finally finding the answer, then the processing starts and you go right back to childhood, all the things that have sort of gone wrong through life start to be thought of differently, you start to morn for the person you could have been. Autistic people most probably aren’t the best communicators, it sort of takes over your life, it often reaches a period of burnout, over time your husband will start telling you little bits of what’s going on. He will get to acceptance and hopefully start to embrace autism, half the struggle is not having another autistic person to ask questions to. It’s why I came to this forum, I needed answers.
Maybe your husband would benefit by asking questions here. It sounds strange but after realisation a lot of autistic people start to be more autistic, often autistic traits have been suppressed to try and look normal then unmasking starts only normally with those very close to you.
He may be feeling guilt because one of your children maybe autistic, it’s very much,”did I give my child this, is their life going to be like mine?”
Personally I would find it hard to discuss my feelings with a third party, but obviously the option is there.
Sorry I can’t offer more practical advice, I’m just trying to explain how he might be feeling. On a side note, it’s not just his journey, it does affect those around him, make sure you have time and someone who you can talk to, maybe a friend you trust.
Thank you, Roy. This describes what I've been going through since finding out I'm autistic.
Thank you for this. I was once asked why I, the autistic one, could stay married to a non-autistic wife for so long. My flippant answer was that I was away on business a lot. What it really was is that I had time on my own when I could be in control and not have to try to be allistic (non-autistic). I didn't need to be fixed but I did need time to reassess my life and realise I had not changed. As others said, I appear to others to be more autistic but I am just being myself. I do struggle with hints, innuendos etc. In some ways I need poeple to be more blunt with me or I don't understand what they are trying to say. Realising I am Autistic so late in life has been a he'll of a shock but accepting that I have been successful because of my Autism and not in spite of it has really helped.
This is super helpful - I think he would really benefit from finding a community but he is not that way inclined and I don’t think on the push can come from me, but bring reminded how overwhelming it all must be is really helpful