Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’d welcome advice on how to navigate a situation in my relationship. I’m NT married to spouse who’s realised he’s ND as part of the process of getting a diagnosis for one of our children. This seems to be awakening a lot of bitterness as spouse looks back on past through a different lens, and it often feels like a lot of resentment is projected on to me. I think we need to work all this through with a counsellor and have found someone with expertise and experience of working with ND clients. But I’m scared of suggesting - a) because spouse will think I’m evading responsibility for problems they attribute to my flaws, and b) because worry spouse will think I need them to change or aM rejecting them for being ND - I don’t and I’m not. I just need us to communicate better and to talk these difficult things through without a row.
Hi Worrier,
I've totally been through the same, I'm NT, O/H is ND and recently diagnosed. He has been really spiralling and is now experiencing burnout and included in that has been what appears to be resentment against me, him remembering the times in the past that I've got angry and called him all the names under the sun, for behaviours that we're now realising are due to him being ND. It's been so hard but I've come to understand that this resentment is not personal and was due to my lack of understanding of what was actually going on. My O/H is seeing a therapist who is also ND which is helping and we have had some couples counselling which helped but he's focusing on his therapy as the moment to help him come to terms with everything. Maybe your O/H might feel comfortable with that first? I do know how difficult it can be to broach this and I've found being calm and patient really helps, when its not always easy. I found this book so helpful too.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Partner-Handbook-Spectrum-5-Minute/dp/164841172X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1A8HHIAKO30YU&keywords=The+Autism+Partner+Handbook%3A+How+to+Love+Someone+on+the+Spectrum&qid=1708090727&s=books&sprefix=the+autism+partner+handbook+how+to+love+someone+on+the+spectrum%2Cstripbooks%2C78&sr=1-1
All the best to you xx
Thanks so much - I think that’s pretty much where we are only I don’t think OH realises or recognises that he’s basically in burn-out and needs help (and not help from me). I went back and forth on encouraging him to seek counselling for himself - I decided in the end that he’d interpret that as me saying he is broken and problems are his fault. Thanks to all of you, I had the courage to suggest we needed help; the counsellor I’ve suggested was recommended by an autistic friend (he is very nervous about seeing someone who doesn’t get neurodivergent traits and would stereotype him) and she sees people individually as well. I’ve suggested he could contact her first to check if he’s comfortable and am hoping that he’ll find that talking to her individually helpful. I emailed hm’about it yesterday (email because he was away and wanted him to have space to think and process before we discussed) but have had no response or acknowledgment of the email. Unfortunately the timing turned out to be pretty bad because just after I sent it, I started to feel very unwell and was advised by NHS 111 to get checked at A&E, so spent the afternoon there and OH came back early because of it. Turns out it was nothing serious thank goodness but obviously stressful and prob difficult for him to handle. Trying to just give him Space and not push but feel like I am in coventry, and also feeling foolish about going to A&E for nothing. Sorry total word splurge
Goodness, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that with your health on top of everything else that’s going on for you. I’ve noticed that my O/H doesn’t cope well with the stress if I’m not well and you really shouldn’t feel foolish, your health is important. Well done for emailing your O/H about the counsellor you’ve found for him, it’s really not easy I know. I suspect that he’s feeling overwhelmed by the thought of speaking to someone and maybe just needs time to adjust to the idea. I think he’s taking that out on you as you’re the closest to him and he feels safe to do that, I have experienced the same and it’s really hard not to take it personally. I’ve found that just ignoring it and trying to understand that it’s not personal is the only way I can deal with it. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that he comes round to the idea.
Worrier said:I sort of expect an instant response - which is not feasible for anyone, especially a person who needs a lot of time to process things
Speaking from my own experience , I need time to weigh EVERYTHING up before I can decide how I feel about something. It often takes me a long time to come round to something, Also, with a literal brain which needs things to "fit", it might be what's read by him doesn't entirely "fit" so is dismissed. This makes sense because we are all individual beings. One of the best things I have learned about which has helped massively in an NT/ND relationship is Double Empathy. It sounds like you've had a lot of patience with each other over the years. That's definitely worth something.
Thank you. I needed to hear a lot of this. He’s come back to me and said he’s not interested in counselling - he has a lot of anxiety and suspicion about talking to a counsellor because he says it is likely to be hard on ‘people like me’ and because we had a bad experience (at my instigation) a couple of years ago of a session with an Ed Psych regarding my elder (NT) child. I dm pretty disappointed since I thought he might feel differently about someone recommended by autistic people. He also said he couldn’t see what deliverables I am looking for. I said I understood but might come back to him to try to clarify what I thought. He did say he’d be willing to read advice books or listen to podcasts, which led to a row because he immediately dismissed one of the ones I’d suggested which really resonated for me. Eventually he explained that it just didn’t make sense to him, so we’re trying a different one and I’ve ordered some ASD specific ones including the book recommended upthread. That also led to a brief conversation about burnout which was helpful in fact. Thank you to everyone who’s responded - it’s really helpful having a place to bounce off -I know one issue is that I’ve been holding things in for a while, and now that I’ve finally articulated my concerns, I sort of expect an instant response - which is not feasible for anyone, especially a person who needs a lot of time to process things. My own counsellor in the past suggested that sometimes I need to take my foot off the spouse pedal’ and I think I need to keep reminding myself of that while not losing hope that things could develop in a positive way.