Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, I’d welcome advice on how to navigate a situation in my relationship. I’m NT married to spouse who’s realised he’s ND as part of the process of getting a diagnosis for one of our children. This seems to be awakening a lot of bitterness as spouse looks back on past through a different lens, and it often feels like a lot of resentment is projected on to me. I think we need to work all this through with a counsellor and have found someone with expertise and experience of working with ND clients. But I’m scared of suggesting - a) because spouse will think I’m evading responsibility for problems they attribute to my flaws, and b) because worry spouse will think I need them to change or aM rejecting them for being ND - I don’t and I’m not. I just need us to communicate better and to talk these difficult things through without a row.
Hi Worrier
I am in exactly the same situation as you. I am Nd and my wife is Nt and we have been together for the best part of 27yrs ish. Firstly I can sympathise with you both and must just make the point that despite your grievances atm try to remember there shouldn’t be any hard feelings towards each other as you were both unaware of your partner’s neurodiversity. Secondly I just wanted to give you an idea of what your partner is going through right now (if it is anything like what I have been trying to process) I have had 48 years worth of situations, disagreements and countless times of feeling I don’t handle life too well, I have had to go through all this in my head over a number of months. My relationship is very far from rosy but I came to a conclusion not too long ago….. even though I have felt very hurt by the names I have been called and sometimes how I have been treated in the past being Nd wasn’t a thing. Can I forgive that? Yes. What is important to remember now you do know is how both of you can adjust and be more mindful towards each other. For me this will be the make or break because now we are both clear that not only my son but I have issues. I am sure as he trudges through the years gone by and processes it all you will both have a clearer path to go down.
try and be patient and think about how you say things, as my father used to tell me “engage brain before mouth”
I really do hope you can find a middle ground in the future and I really do empathise with how this has all be a shock for you both. Good luck for the future and if you have any questions feel free to post back?
Thanks so much, this is really helpful and good to have a sense of the ND experience. I wish you all the best for your own future