Romantic Realationships With A Partner On The Spectrum

Found a really helpful resource for NTs in my position:

www.youtube.com/watch

Aww that's brutal. When someone wants to be in a relationship but can't. I'm glad at least you've got clarity about what's going on. I'm in a similar situation in a way. I'd like to be in a relationship with my best friend, but even though he's now split up from his ex he can't handle the lies he's told her about me. He's in total shutdown and now can't handle seeing me either. It's frustrating, and also I,m trying to guess if time will change things, or how long, but maybe he'll never be able to own up to the truth and will just find someone else. Grrr!

I told him I needed to give him some space. He told me he wants to be with me and loves me but doesn’t want me to wait for him to get better, he just can’t deal with the pressures of a relationship. It’s hard but I know that I can’t change his mind. He needs to work on himself and get to a point where he feels okay to be in a relationship again wether that’s with me or someone else. 

Poor you. It's hard, and a hard situation, and who knows what's best. And who knows what his reasons are for splitting up. They could be trivial things about him but that are overwhelming him, they could be bing thungs that can't work for him as a relationship, or it could be he's overwhelmed and space helps, or anything else.

one autistic friend split with his girlfriend and nine months on hasn't told her why, which is a headf!ck for her, but i know why and he'll not get back together even if he eants tegular contact. Another autistic friend is really pushing her partner away big style even though she says she wants to be in the relationship. I can only guess she's overwhelmed by other stuff.

Something that's helped me is to write out all the optiins for the other person and say which do you want; or to write a list of things you think may be going on and get them to choose which is closest. And for you to be very clear with them about the options you'll consider.

I hope you find peace.

Hi, maybe I have made the wrong decision then. I was so confused that after about a week of us splitting I asked him why and it made him very overwhelmed and anxious even talking about it. It’s so hard to understand though when the reasons you split was due to issues that could be fixed. I will take your advice and give him space (but he says he doesn’t want space from me and still wants to talk to me) but I won’t. And see if he reaches out/see if we can rekindle things after a bit of time passes. I’m so heartbroken but I just want what’s best for him.

Thanks for coming back to us and letting us know how it's gone. I'm glad things have meant you're together again, even though it's not all easy. I hope you find your ways to accommodating each other.

Yeah, i've given him time and haven't put any pressure on for explanations, which worked. And then just as things were going well his ex went round and gave him a load of grief about me, and presumably accused him of lying (which he has). So pretty much back to square one! Reading about shutdowns in relationships has given me more compassion for him, but also made me realise what I'm up against. We'll see, for now I've still some patience.

Thanks for the reminder not to push!

Mark (NicheMarket) Daisy1407 

Hi guys,

I ended up giving him time (we didn't talk for about a month). We reconnected once everyone was allowed to meet up again and eventually got back together. The relationship is by no means easy and he often doesn't understand why I get upset at certain things he does and says (mainly this thing he has about keeping me separate from his uni friends). I would say the only thing you can do is give it time and not overwhelm them telling them how unfair the situation is (particularly if like my situation it came out of no where). Let them miss you! I know its a bit crap but if they have something going on you'll only push them away more by bombarding them with the big WHY?

Let me know if I can be of any more help :)

Glad you found this, I just read it and was going to link you to it. Yeah, mirrors my situation. And yeah, I wondered how it's turned out for them, I hope they found a way to communicate. Gosh it's hard.

Hi! I am going through pretty much the exact same thing right now and wondering if you had any advice seen as though this post was from 8 months ago

I do push people away a lot and work I’ve done with an autism specialist recently suggested that avoidant behaviours were common for people on the spectrum - so his response does make sense to me in some ways though from first hand experience I know that pushing people away isn’t helpful in the long term. All I can recommend is patience and understanding as if he is anything like me the only way I function when I’m struggling is to have space and work through issues in my own way. I’d suggest if he is open to it that you try to discuss avoidance - but it really depends on whether he wants to, because it’s not helpful to force the issue.

I know this isn’t the most helpful reply but I hope it offers a bit of insight. If I can be of any more help then let me know. 

He has said no to calling but think i pushed a bit too hard and has now stopped any communication with me. Wish he could just explain whats going on in his head. Difficult as we dont live together so can't see him at all now.

Sometimes I can't talk to my wife about stuff because my defences crumble and I break down... so I talk to friends while gaming online or come here or other online forums where talking doesn't hurt so much...

I can't really explain it, but for some reason the people that I'm closest to I just *can't* talk to... comes back to a point in the blog post and which crops up elsewhere, it's often a case of *can't* rather than *won't* talk

You could try texting/emailing or any other non-verbal approach, that's easier for autistics as all the non-verbal 'baggage' that comes with face-to-face verbal communication (eye contact, touching, the other person's emotions, trying to read their facial expressions etc.) are removed - those things are essential for NT<>NT communication but they're really distracting/stressful for autistics...

Best

I think just finding distractions is quite helpful for everyone right now, for example finding and doing things you have been putting off like weeding/ cleaning has been good to pass the time.

Sometimes I don’t wanna burden those close to me and find it easier to talk to the one true friend I have. It’s hard to explain but if one particular issue or person is at the root of my episode I cannot improve my mood until I’ve spoken to someone when I’m ready to. And that can be days. Having a bit of a wobble as we speak but talking here is helping a bit. Patience is in short supply.. 

Also just read your blog post. Very good at helping to understand everything he might be going through thank you!

At the moment i am giving him space and we are not talking. I have encouraged him to do things he loves such as cycling or even just going on a walk with his dogs but he seems to lack the motivation and would rather stay inside. What i am finding difficult is he has asked for space from me but is still talking to a lot of his friends which i don't understand. Maybe it is more not wanting to upset me further ? Very confusing.

The key thing to remember is that autistics (generally) don't deal with stress in the same way as non-autistics but - more importantly - don't respond to the 'usual' supportive things that people try to offer...

Shutdown is the most common response and it sounds like this is what your guy is doing, this blog post is a good resource: https://spectra.blog/news-views/please-understand-me-my-walls-came-falling-down-autistic-shutdown-what-does-it-mean/

Personally I withdraw to the point of becoming non-verbal, immobile and almost non-existent... but, if I can go out for a run I can 'burn off' the stress and when I come back I'm back to 'normal'.

So, one tip may be to find out what he does that reduces his anxiety levels and make space/time for him to do that.

Also, and this will be hard... try to realise he's not 'pushing you away' he's 'focussing on protecting himself/getting through the experience' - try not to interpret his actions in the same way you would for someone not-autistic...

Best...

Ok most of the time she has learnt not to push me when I’m in that zone but sometimes she aggravates my mood as she pushes her point across even though she knows I won’t take it in. I

How do you find maintaining the relationship with your wife when you get into this mindset? Does she push to try and help or just leave you be until it passes?

Hi, 

I hope everything with your wife isn't too stressful as i can understand how hard it must be not being able to see her now. My situation is that he just seems to think it is better for us if we just break up when he gets like this, even though i am willing to give him space. However, as before i have a feeling when the current situation passes he will try and get back together as we have before. How do you think i should go about making him understand he doesn't have to end things when he goes into his 'bubble' so to speak.

Denise