Published on 12, July, 2020
My (recently ex) boyfriend and i met when we were 16 and had dated up until the COVID-19 lockdown. We had previously had a brief breakup back in January due to him needing space after an incident with his mother. He gave me very little reason for this sudden breakup other than "I can't do a relationship right now" after being very happily together before this all happened. I can't help but feel he only pushes me away when his life becomes difficult as a result of external factors and was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar with a partner on the spectrum?
I love him very much and had been with him for almost a year and a half so i am just trying to understand if (though he may not want to admit it) he pushed me away simply because everything going on at the moment had just become too much to deal with on top of a relationship.
I have given him space now to focus on getting through lockdown but in the case that we do get back together how might i help when these situations arise.
Again i am very new to all this so i am sorry if i have caused any offence.
Denise
Hi! I am going through pretty much the exact same thing right now and wondering if you had any advice seen as though this post was from 8 months ago
Glad you found this, I just read it and was going to link you to it. Yeah, mirrors my situation. And yeah, I wondered how it's turned out for them, I hope they found a way to communicate. Gosh it's hard.
Mark (NicheMarket) Daisy1407
Hi guys,
I ended up giving him time (we didn't talk for about a month). We reconnected once everyone was allowed to meet up again and eventually got back together. The relationship is by no means easy and he often doesn't understand why I get upset at certain things he does and says (mainly this thing he has about keeping me separate from his uni friends). I would say the only thing you can do is give it time and not overwhelm them telling them how unfair the situation is (particularly if like my situation it came out of no where). Let them miss you! I know its a bit crap but if they have something going on you'll only push them away more by bombarding them with the big WHY?
Let me know if I can be of any more help :)
Aww that's brutal. When someone wants to be in a relationship but can't. I'm glad at least you've got clarity about what's going on. I'm in a similar situation in a way. I'd like to be in a relationship with my best friend, but even though he's now split up from his ex he can't handle the lies he's told her about me. He's in total shutdown and now can't handle seeing me either. It's frustrating, and also I,m trying to guess if time will change things, or how long, but maybe he'll never be able to own up to the truth and will just find someone else. Grrr!
I told him I needed to give him some space. He told me he wants to be with me and loves me but doesn’t want me to wait for him to get better, he just can’t deal with the pressures of a relationship. It’s hard but I know that I can’t change his mind. He needs to work on himself and get to a point where he feels okay to be in a relationship again wether that’s with me or someone else.
Poor you. It's hard, and a hard situation, and who knows what's best. And who knows what his reasons are for splitting up. They could be trivial things about him but that are overwhelming him, they could be bing thungs that can't work for him as a relationship, or it could be he's overwhelmed and space helps, or anything else.
one autistic friend split with his girlfriend and nine months on hasn't told her why, which is a headf!ck for her, but i know why and he'll not get back together even if he eants tegular contact. Another autistic friend is really pushing her partner away big style even though she says she wants to be in the relationship. I can only guess she's overwhelmed by other stuff.
Something that's helped me is to write out all the optiins for the other person and say which do you want; or to write a list of things you think may be going on and get them to choose which is closest. And for you to be very clear with them about the options you'll consider.
I hope you find peace.
Hi, maybe I have made the wrong decision then. I was so confused that after about a week of us splitting I asked him why and it made him very overwhelmed and anxious even talking about it. It’s so hard to understand though when the reasons you split was due to issues that could be fixed. I will take your advice and give him space (but he says he doesn’t want space from me and still wants to talk to me) but I won’t. And see if he reaches out/see if we can rekindle things after a bit of time passes. I’m so heartbroken but I just want what’s best for him.
Thanks for coming back to us and letting us know how it's gone. I'm glad things have meant you're together again, even though it's not all easy. I hope you find your ways to accommodating each other.
Yeah, i've given him time and haven't put any pressure on for explanations, which worked. And then just as things were going well his ex went round and gave him a load of grief about me, and presumably accused him of lying (which he has). So pretty much back to square one! Reading about shutdowns in relationships has given me more compassion for him, but also made me realise what I'm up against. We'll see, for now I've still some patience.
Thanks for the reminder not to push!