Published on 12, July, 2020
My (recently ex) boyfriend and i met when we were 16 and had dated up until the COVID-19 lockdown. We had previously had a brief breakup back in January due to him needing space after an incident with his mother. He gave me very little reason for this sudden breakup other than "I can't do a relationship right now" after being very happily together before this all happened. I can't help but feel he only pushes me away when his life becomes difficult as a result of external factors and was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar with a partner on the spectrum?
I love him very much and had been with him for almost a year and a half so i am just trying to understand if (though he may not want to admit it) he pushed me away simply because everything going on at the moment had just become too much to deal with on top of a relationship.
I have given him space now to focus on getting through lockdown but in the case that we do get back together how might i help when these situations arise.
Again i am very new to all this so i am sorry if i have caused any offence.
Denise
The key thing to remember is that autistics (generally) don't deal with stress in the same way as non-autistics but - more importantly - don't respond to the 'usual' supportive things that people try to offer...
Shutdown is the most common response and it sounds like this is what your guy is doing, this blog post is a good resource: https://spectra.blog/news-views/please-understand-me-my-walls-came-falling-down-autistic-shutdown-what-does-it-mean/
Personally I withdraw to the point of becoming non-verbal, immobile and almost non-existent... but, if I can go out for a run I can 'burn off' the stress and when I come back I'm back to 'normal'.
So, one tip may be to find out what he does that reduces his anxiety levels and make space/time for him to do that.
Also, and this will be hard... try to realise he's not 'pushing you away' he's 'focussing on protecting himself/getting through the experience' - try not to interpret his actions in the same way you would for someone not-autistic...
Best...
At the moment i am giving him space and we are not talking. I have encouraged him to do things he loves such as cycling or even just going on a walk with his dogs but he seems to lack the motivation and would rather stay inside. What i am finding difficult is he has asked for space from me but is still talking to a lot of his friends which i don't understand. Maybe it is more not wanting to upset me further ? Very confusing.
Sometimes I can't talk to my wife about stuff because my defences crumble and I break down... so I talk to friends while gaming online or come here or other online forums where talking doesn't hurt so much...
I can't really explain it, but for some reason the people that I'm closest to I just *can't* talk to... comes back to a point in the blog post and which crops up elsewhere, it's often a case of *can't* rather than *won't* talk
You could try texting/emailing or any other non-verbal approach, that's easier for autistics as all the non-verbal 'baggage' that comes with face-to-face verbal communication (eye contact, touching, the other person's emotions, trying to read their facial expressions etc.) are removed - those things are essential for NT<>NT communication but they're really distracting/stressful for autistics...
Best
He has said no to calling but think i pushed a bit too hard and has now stopped any communication with me. Wish he could just explain whats going on in his head. Difficult as we dont live together so can't see him at all now.