Autism shame?

I didn’t really care when I got my diagnosis. It was what it was, and I lived with it. I did a huge autism workbook with a family friend. It didn’t really matter. 
But recently I’ve become aware of how ashamed I am. I always feel like the child nobody ever wanted to have. The sob story on Britain’s got talent. The problem child.

And I don’t know how to accept it when it’s all in media. I don’t know how to accept it while people still say I’m sorry to my mum if she says something.

Has anyone else experienced this?

  • Having spent most of my life on benefits, I guess I have been!  Serves them right!

  • As a child I never got it when other kids were winding me up with stupid meaningless or embarrassing questions that I'd innocently answer. I eventually realised I was being baited, but still couldn't understand why they did it. And I've never got the hang of lying. I have to keep going' oh yes, the liars, now I remember.' It is hard, but we must remember that in many ways we are superior to these types - they only value conformity, we are capable of thinking for ourselves, being sensitive, upholding justice and truth.  I found always that I fitted in with various counterculture groups where I did find friendship and understanding.  It is a sad, hard time we are being made to live through but one day it will be better, meantime we have to love and respect ourselves all the more because others don't. Logical, often very intelligent, very emotional, honest - we are essentially Vulcans pre-Kolinahr!  I thought it was about time someone made a Star Trek reference. I also adopted Data the android's technique of writing a new sub-routine to cope with difficult social interactions.  It really works. 

  • I thought it would help me to be open about it but I find so much discrimination that I am inclined to keep quiet about it - I never thought it would be this bad.  The Guardian aren't helping, they are so quick to highlight the fact that someone is autistic if they have committed some violent crime, there's been a few cases lately where the perpetrator happened to be diagnosed autistic. It's as if they are deliberately trying to make a link in the public's mind between autism and sociopathic behaviour. 

  • I find that as you say, that a romanticised view of autism is trendy right now - except for the bit where anyone is prepared to make any adjustments for actual autistic people. They all like the Rainman-style depictions of autism but ask them to turn the radio off in the cafe or shop and they become abusive.

  • I know what you mean about hating myself because other people treat me like I'm hateful. I like myself, generally speaking. The worst crime you can commit in this society is to fail to conform. The happiest book I have read lately is Bellwether by Connie Willis, who is very good. It has taken me my whole life to realise that the reason why other people seem to so quickly instinctively know what to do in social situations (or indeed any situations) is because they all copy each other like sheep.  But someone has to be the first...that's what this book is about. I found her main character's rants about why people choose the fads to follow that they do very comforting and very funny. The character is a researcher studying how fashions and fads start. She wrote another called Crosstalk about telepathic people getting sensory overload from hearing everyone's thoughts at once - could really relate to the sensory overload part - not telepathic of course though I used to think everyone else must be!  A lovely book, especially the bits about libraries.

  • It is getting better but a lot of NT's still cannot handle it. I've never told anyone about my MH struggles since I was a child, because I've seen others who have and be treated awfully. My manager said to me only last week "well everyone's a bit autistic aren't they?" followed by a hearty laugh like he was the funniest person alive. So glad I haven't told anyone because it would be used to discriminate against me when I've already got enough to deal with.

    I used to hate myself, but in the last 10 years or so, I realised I only hated myself because of how the people around me treat me. When I'm alone, I'm generally happy, albeit a bit lonely. Don't be ashamed of who you are, because of other people xx

  • I don’t feel ashamed about who I am. I think there’s no more shame in being autistic than being tall or left handed, for example. I sometimes feel ashamed at how I have acted but I think everyone should reflect on their behaviour every once in a while, and try to improve. All part of the human condition. 

  • I get that. I feel awkward when I see other autistic people being open about their vulnerabilities, because it feels like they're telling people MY vulnerabilities. My dad is quick to tell people I have autism, which really bothers me.

    I don't like to use language that's commonly identified with autism, or trauma, or the buzz words of the year for people with issues. I'd never say that something triggers me, or that I feel overwhelmed or burned out. I wouldn't tell anyone in real life that I see a therapist, bar very close confidants.

    Honestly, I'm not very comfortable with people knowing personal things about me at all. I don't even like making food while people are around, because I don't want them to know what I'm making.

  • I can only say from my perspective, in my opinion the fact that autism is such a “hot” topic and there are so many online influencers who claim to be advocating for autistic people is often harmful. For us. I heard once from a professional, that in fact I’m “a little bit autistic” but it’s so trendy these days, everyone wants to be autistic. I heard that after describing her my problems, I was also gaslit that these problems are not real problems. So hearing it that it’s just for attention, trendy etc is extremely hurtful and toxic, it feels like a slap on my face after what I went through and still fighting. This also made me feel shame for who I am. But for short. I quit seeing that psychotherapist and said to myself there is no need to be ashamed for who I am.

  • Wise words, from a wise JLyn.

  • Wise words, from a wise, wise man.  RIP.

  • 2018 when diagnosed I was open about it to all. But reactions at work and with some friends made me ashamed of having it.

    We moved due to my husbands work and I haven't told anyone because I don't want to go through that again. 

    Now I feel more peace personally about it. But have still decided thus far  not to share as I don't trust people. 

  • Indeed: “The bullies could not do what they do if it was not for people like us” — then shouldn’t we go on strike?

  • no need, write left hand badly as wellJoy

  • use your right hand for ransom letters :)

  • Heyyy fellow Yorkshire! 
    But I agree, you can shape you’re chosen family, but it is so hard having people who love you not love you for everything that encompasses you 

    Life is scary and chaotic and people don’t like what they don’t understand 

  • Hi

    thank you for your comment, my notifications went to spam so I didn’t see any replies

    I choose some things around my room for usernames, I had some vinyls and a big jar of shells and I never noticed the sand!

    My mum would absolutely never say that, it’s internalised shame 

    It’s called autism and what it means to me, it’s created for people who have been newly diagnosed about the different aspects of autism and what they mean personally to you


    I will, now my notifications don’t go to spam I’ll stay on more and fill out some details. 

  • Hi

    thank you, I found this really interesting. It’s incredibly true, the social view of autism is not defined by people with autism and therefore it will never truly represent autistic people. 
    That was very insightful, thank you for commenting!