I have Aspergers Syndrome, and there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date. However, I could be wrong, but I’ve got a feeling that they don’t like me (in that way) back. I’ve avoided asking them out up until now, because I’m really afraid that if they reject me, it will trigger feelings of self-hatred, both in terms of my appearance and myself as a person, as due to having Aspergers, I haven’t always found fitting in easy, and I’m afraid that being rejected in a relationship sense will bring all of these feelings flooding back quite badly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with relationship rejection with having Aspergers?
Eh. Been there done that. Spent most of my youth crushing on girls from a distance. And some girls were openly interested and I was ignoring them for years. Two women told me that they did everything (except ask me out) to get my attention and that they were "over me". One actually was sitting in my dorm in a nightgown with perfume and I only noticed when she left. Another said, "why do you think I kept asking you for help in the art cupboard?'
She likes you
- a girl who likes you will be making excuses to be alone with you! Because they are comfortable.
Getting past rejection.
Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
If this is too much
Use a dating app to get used to talking to women. Anyway, that said I prefer OKCupid and "plenty of fish".
Once you have enough courage, just ask her out and be prepared for a no. And also be prepared for a yes. (get number, think of a nice place to go)
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the positive intent of this advice, and I know that each woman will be different in her response, but in the wrong situation there could be unintended and negative consequences. Just a few examples:
Lagrangian said:Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
1) It depends on what you consider a 'random' woman to be. If it's a woman who is a good friend and you are just complimenting them in an amiable way, that could be okay. If it's a co-worker, client or work colleague, just don't go there! If it's just some stranger you meet in the street then you have no idea how will they will receive your compliment - it depends entirely on the situation. Most female friends will probably not appreciate being used as practice for hitting on other women! If you have female friends, maybe just ask for their advice instead?
Lagrangian said:Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
2) Again, this varies from woman to woman, but if a stranger complimented me in the street and walked off I would be terrified. I would be shaking and watching my back all the way home. (I remember a guy followed me through town and waited until I was in a relatively quieter street before approaching me and complimenting me then repeatedly asking me out. I'm sure to him he thought he was picking the best time (for him!) but to me it felt very threatening.). Remember, complete strangers don't know your mind set - they don't know what your intentions are, and woman often have to feel like they are on guard. So be very careful about approaching women you don't know.
Lagrangian said:Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
3) Even a compliment as seemingly innocuous as "you have a wonderful smile" could end you up in a lot of hot water if you don't know the woman. Again, it depends entirely on the situation and if the woman is a stranger or not.
Just sharing my perspective as a woman - other women's opinions will certainly vary!
Eloquently put, Flont :) you explained this better than I could. I really dislike having comments thrown at me from in the street. It makes me feel like I'm covered in a layer of slime, like I need to shower, like I need to throw up. it's genuinely horrible. And it effects me for weeks afterwards. Years even. I know some men might find this confusing as I know they don't intend it maliciously.
Some women can feel threatened by those kinds of comments, but unsuspecting men can end up in trouble too. I know a guy who was leaving flirty little notes for a couple of his work colleagues in an attempt to 'get himself back out there' after a break up. He thought it was all innocent and he thought the women were enjoying it. But the women complained and he was called into his employer's office and cautioned. I also know a guy who got into a potentially very serious incident after he hit on a girl in a pub and that girl, feeling threatened, went and told her boyfriend. I'm sure he had no intention of being threatening, but his inexperience meant that he was simply unaware of how he was coming across to her (and you don't know what terrible experiences she might have had in the past that influenced her fear response).
So much depends on the individuals involved, but some guys - though they have absolutely no ill-intent - can end up in serious trouble if they don't have a complete understanding of the situation they are getting themselves into. So it's for the sake of those great guys as much as those scared women that I offer this advice!
I saw some research a while back that measured women's responses to compliments from men.
It seems that if the guy is a Greek God, dressed expensively and with a nice voice, almost anything is taken as a compliment. If the guy is a 'two-bagger', then practically everything is taken as harrassment.
Everyone else will be somewhere in between - so it can be very risky to throw random compliments around..
Plastic said:It seems that if the guy is a Greek God, dressed expensively and with a nice voice, almost anything is taken as a compliment. If the guy is a 'two-bagger', then practically everything is taken as harrassment.
I know a lot of women - myself included - who don't go for the Greek God type at all!
Seriously though, it is not always about whether a woman might find a man attractive (and many women are not instantly attracted to men they have only just met, anyway). For example, hypothetically speaking, if I was complimented in a lonely street by a Greek God-type (meaning, perhaps, a man who works out and is therefore physically strong), I would feel more threatened because I would think that this is a man who can easily overpower me if he wanted to.
For many women it's not about whether the guy is superficially attractive or not. It's about feeling safe.
I don't doubt every woman has their own views of what they find attractive. My reference was from an American site a few years ago doing social experiments. Maybe there's a culture difference to add to the complicated mix too?
(I had to Google two-bagger, btw - lol!)
Yup, you're probably right. Throw cultural differences into the mix as well. Oh, how complicated it all gets!
it's not about whether the guy is superficially attractive or not. It's about feeling safe.
Yes it's more that it feels like someone invading my space. It's the "stranger" element. It has nothing to do with appearance. I don't look at people in the street, certaintly not faces. I really enjoy going running but I almost always get comments. Perhaps intended as encouraging? I really don't know. But it affects me so much at one point I didn't want to go running any more. It's my time to be on my own. Perhaps this plays into it - I only get comments when I'm on my own. Perhaps I do perceive it as threatening (I'm really not sure sorry) but then I think, well men get to run wherever they want, whenever they want. why should I limit what I want to do, based purely on my gender? So I keep going. And wear headphones. Sorry this is completely off tangent from the original post.
Yeah, ditto on the running thing. And sorry as well for diverging from the main topic!