Dealing with relationship rejection when having Aspergers?

I have Aspergers Syndrome, and there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date. However, I could be wrong, but I’ve got a feeling that they don’t like me (in that way) back. I’ve avoided asking them out up until now, because I’m really afraid that if they reject me, it will trigger feelings of self-hatred, both in terms of my appearance and myself as a person, as due to having Aspergers, I haven’t always found fitting in easy, and I’m afraid that being rejected in a relationship sense will bring all of these feelings flooding back quite badly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with relationship rejection with having Aspergers?

  • Hi

    I have Asperger's too.

    I look at most things with logic and analysis - so apart from the abstract feeling of a crush, what do you know about this person?  Are they single?  Do they have similar interests as you?  Do you have similar interests as them?  Do they know you exist?  Is this purely a physical attraction thing?

    Also - like Schrodinger's Cat, the possibility of the relationship - or not - doesn't exist anywhere other than in your head until the second you ask the person out - then the decision becomes real.

    Until that second, you can fantasize about the other person, creating a false personality for them that works in your dreams - but may be very different from reality. 

    Fixating on one person but not acting upon it is really deluding yourself that you're in a relationship - and you may be wasting many opportunities to meet other people who may be more compatible with you.

    Being rejected by someone who you don't have a relationship with has nothing to do with self-hatred - it's about incompatibility.  I've met many people that I'm not compatible with - that's life - but I spend my time with those who fit better with me.

  • Heya.  Asking someone out is a gamble, and rejection can hurt, especially with the intense feelings that come with Asperger's. But...

    You have to consider that  regretting NOT asking someone out can hurt more, in the long run.  I've been through several rejections and boy, does it sting to start with. But alongside the hurt comes self-respect, that you braved it. Try to feel that, rather than what you fear will be 'self-hatred'. Just because they might not want to go out with you, it doesn't mean all other love interests will also say 'no'.  What helped me was thinking 'there are plenty of people out there in the world, so, the probability is that a good handful would say 'yes'.

    Be kind to yourself, and if your crush is a nice person, they'll respect you for having the courage to ask them out.  And the rejection pain fades over the weeks, if you keep yourself busy. It's trying to weigh up - would you feel worse taking the leap and being turned down, or,  never asking them out, and then risking ongoing feelings of regret - 'what if I'd asked them out?'

    I should say, I'm a female with Asperger's, and so it may be different, depending what gender you are.    I have asked several guys out, and been rejected. Perhaps you could try to get a sense of whether they like you back. You wrote that you get the sense that your crush doesn't like you back.  Has s/he done noticeable things that suggest that? Remember that your gut feelings are important. Though I know that having Asperger's can make it really hard to work out exactly what your gut feelings are...  Speaking as a girl, we tend to make it quite clear when we fancy someone.
    sorry for the long reply.

  • Until that second, you can fantasize about the other person, creating a false personality for them that works in your dreams - but may be very different from reality.

    And this. This all day long.

  • I am not a believer in 'instant attraction'being a good indicator of long term friendships or relationships.

    Do you know whether this person is not in a relationship anyway?  I think that is one of the things that causes most embarrassment.

    I think you would have to find some common ground first and be able to start up a conversation.  Real life is not like Coronation Street where everyone in the street has in the past had a relationship with everyone else.

    You need to be able to find some reason to talk to this person.  How well do you know them?  Do you see them regularly and not started a conversation yet?  Is it someone you see at the bus stop, or in a shop?  Whatever, I don't think just coming out and saying 'Would you want to come out with me' to be the way forward.

    Conversation is often very difficult for autistic people.  I know how very difficult I used to find it.  However, as I have got older I have become far less self conscious, but I talk to people not wanting a relationship with them.  I can talk to people at the bus stop (mainly because every day it is the same people and we sort of 'know' each other, after all I have been seeing them nearly every day for the past ten years.  So if the bus is late, or the weather is very bad, or something unusual happens someone might begin a conversation and it will just develop to cover lots of different things.

    For example, you might be able to start a conversation if you see this person struggling with something.  Offer to help.  Comment on the difficulties the person seems to be having.  But however you start the conversation, you will have to do it. Above all, be polite and friendly.

    Do you know whether this person is not in a relationship anyway?  I think that is one of the things that causes most embarrassment.

    But you have to be able to accept rejection is possible for any number of reasons.  That is why you need to be able to converse.  Finding out you get along before going on a date will increase your chances of being successful. But even if you met someone at a singles night you might not be siuccessful.  Unfortunately, that is what life is all about. 

  • Being rejected by someone who you don't have a relationship with has nothing to do with self-hatred - it's about incompatibility.  I've met many people that I'm not compatible with - that's life - but I spend my time with those who fit better with me.

    I think this is good advice!

  • Hey :) 

    It depends - on the one hand, staying where you are means that you'll never have the chance to be with them; on the other hand, if they say no, it could mean the end of your friendship. You won't know for sure how they feel about you until they ask, so that's the only real way to knowx

    Much love <3