I have Aspergers Syndrome, and there is a particular person that I have a crush on, and want to ask out on a date. However, I could be wrong, but I’ve got a feeling that they don’t like me (in that way) back. I’ve avoided asking them out up until now, because I’m really afraid that if they reject me, it will trigger feelings of self-hatred, both in terms of my appearance and myself as a person, as due to having Aspergers, I haven’t always found fitting in easy, and I’m afraid that being rejected in a relationship sense will bring all of these feelings flooding back quite badly. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with relationship rejection with having Aspergers?
I have Asperger's too.
I look at most things with logic and analysis - so apart from the abstract feeling of a crush, what do you know about this person? Are they single? Do they have similar interests as you? Do you have similar interests as them? Do they know you exist? Is this purely a physical attraction thing?
Also - like Schrodinger's Cat, the possibility of the relationship - or not - doesn't exist anywhere other than in your head until the second you ask the person out - then the decision becomes real.
Until that second, you can fantasize about the other person, creating a false personality for them that works in your dreams - but may be very different from reality.
Fixating on one person but not acting upon it is really deluding yourself that you're in a relationship - and you may be wasting many opportunities to meet other people who may be more compatible with you.
Being rejected by someone who you don't have a relationship with has nothing to do with self-hatred - it's about incompatibility. I've met many people that I'm not compatible with - that's life - but I spend my time with those who fit better with me.
Heya. Asking someone out is a gamble, and rejection can hurt, especially with the intense feelings that come with Asperger's. But...You have to consider that regretting NOT asking someone out can hurt more, in the long run. I've been through several rejections and boy, does it sting to start with. But alongside the hurt comes self-respect, that you braved it. Try to feel that, rather than what you fear will be 'self-hatred'. Just because they might not want to go out with you, it doesn't mean all other love interests will also say 'no'. What helped me was thinking 'there are plenty of people out there in the world, so, the probability is that a good handful would say 'yes'.Be kind to yourself, and if your crush is a nice person, they'll respect you for having the courage to ask them out. And the rejection pain fades over the weeks, if you keep yourself busy. It's trying to weigh up - would you feel worse taking the leap and being turned down, or, never asking them out, and then risking ongoing feelings of regret - 'what if I'd asked them out?'I should say, I'm a female with Asperger's, and so it may be different, depending what gender you are. I have asked several guys out, and been rejected. Perhaps you could try to get a sense of whether they like you back. You wrote that you get the sense that your crush doesn't like you back. Has s/he done noticeable things that suggest that? Remember that your gut feelings are important. Though I know that having Asperger's can make it really hard to work out exactly what your gut feelings are... Speaking as a girl, we tend to make it quite clear when we fancy someone.sorry for the long reply.
Eh. Been there done that. Spent most of my youth crushing on girls from a distance. And some girls were openly interested and I was ignoring them for years. Two women told me that they did everything (except ask me out) to get my attention and that they were "over me". One actually was sitting in my dorm in a nightgown with perfume and I only noticed when she left. Another said, "why do you think I kept asking you for help in the art cupboard?'
She likes you
- a girl who likes you will be making excuses to be alone with you! Because they are comfortable.
Getting past rejection.
Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
If this is too much
Use a dating app to get used to talking to women. Anyway, that said I prefer OKCupid and "plenty of fish".
Once you have enough courage, just ask her out and be prepared for a no. And also be prepared for a yes. (get number, think of a nice place to go)
Please don't compliment random women, it's really horrible. By all means, compliment women (and men! Men never get compliments) that you know well, but not random women. Do you work with this person? Why not start small and go for lunch with her and a couple of others? So it's not so much a date but you can get to know each other a little better
Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate the positive intent of this advice, and I know that each woman will be different in her response, but in the wrong situation there could be unintended and negative consequences. Just a few examples:
Lagrangian said:Practice on random women for your warm up. Complementing people/women.
1) It depends on what you consider a 'random' woman to be. If it's a woman who is a good friend and you are just complimenting them in an amiable way, that could be okay. If it's a co-worker, client or work colleague, just don't go there! If it's just some stranger you meet in the street then you have no idea how will they will receive your compliment - it depends entirely on the situation. Most female friends will probably not appreciate being used as practice for hitting on other women! If you have female friends, maybe just ask for their advice instead?
Lagrangian said:Complement random women in the street. (and walk off)
2) Again, this varies from woman to woman, but if a stranger complimented me in the street and walked off I would be terrified. I would be shaking and watching my back all the way home. (I remember a guy followed me through town and waited until I was in a relatively quieter street before approaching me and complimenting me then repeatedly asking me out. I'm sure to him he thought he was picking the best time (for him!) but to me it felt very threatening.). Remember, complete strangers don't know your mind set - they don't know what your intentions are, and woman often have to feel like they are on guard. So be very careful about approaching women you don't know.
Lagrangian said:Don't complement physical attributes, legs. Say something like, "Hi, I think you have a wonderful smile." Maintain a little eye contact and walk off.
3) Even a compliment as seemingly innocuous as "you have a wonderful smile" could end you up in a lot of hot water if you don't know the woman. Again, it depends entirely on the situation and if the woman is a stranger or not.
Just sharing my perspective as a woman - other women's opinions will certainly vary!
Eloquently put, Flont :) you explained this better than I could. I really dislike having comments thrown at me from in the street. It makes me feel like I'm covered in a layer of slime, like I need to shower, like I need to throw up. it's genuinely horrible. And it effects me for weeks afterwards. Years even. I know some men might find this confusing as I know they don't intend it maliciously.
Some women can feel threatened by those kinds of comments, but unsuspecting men can end up in trouble too. I know a guy who was leaving flirty little notes for a couple of his work colleagues in an attempt to 'get himself back out there' after a break up. He thought it was all innocent and he thought the women were enjoying it. But the women complained and he was called into his employer's office and cautioned. I also know a guy who got into a potentially very serious incident after he hit on a girl in a pub and that girl, feeling threatened, went and told her boyfriend. I'm sure he had no intention of being threatening, but his inexperience meant that he was simply unaware of how he was coming across to her (and you don't know what terrible experiences she might have had in the past that influenced her fear response).
So much depends on the individuals involved, but some guys - though they have absolutely no ill-intent - can end up in serious trouble if they don't have a complete understanding of the situation they are getting themselves into. So it's for the sake of those great guys as much as those scared women that I offer this advice!
I saw some research a while back that measured women's responses to compliments from men.
It seems that if the guy is a Greek God, dressed expensively and with a nice voice, almost anything is taken as a compliment. If the guy is a 'two-bagger', then practically everything is taken as harrassment.
Everyone else will be somewhere in between - so it can be very risky to throw random compliments around..
Plastic said:It seems that if the guy is a Greek God, dressed expensively and with a nice voice, almost anything is taken as a compliment. If the guy is a 'two-bagger', then practically everything is taken as harrassment.
I know a lot of women - myself included - who don't go for the Greek God type at all!
Seriously though, it is not always about whether a woman might find a man attractive (and many women are not instantly attracted to men they have only just met, anyway). For example, hypothetically speaking, if I was complimented in a lonely street by a Greek God-type (meaning, perhaps, a man who works out and is therefore physically strong), I would feel more threatened because I would think that this is a man who can easily overpower me if he wanted to.
For many women it's not about whether the guy is superficially attractive or not. It's about feeling safe.
I don't doubt every woman has their own views of what they find attractive. My reference was from an American site a few years ago doing social experiments. Maybe there's a culture difference to add to the complicated mix too?