I am married to an ASD man.
I talk about my unmet emotional needs and he doesn't understand when I talk about the lack of connection.
He just talks about whether I am meeting his unmet needs which are just idealistic and not a basic need.
Can anyone help? Am I fighting a losing battle? Is an emotional connection not possible in an ND relationship?
I don’t like eating out for few reasons. One thing is that food from restaurants often gives me stomach troubles, other thing is that I hate eating when there is someone in front of me and potentially looking at me eating. There is a big risk that someone sit down in front of me and then I have to turn my head to not look at them and there is a risk the person would look at me making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Other issue is noise, smells, lights etc. it’s just a big NO. Any meal only at home with the view on our backyard with trees and sound of singing birds
Seems like you have difrent perspectives on the world and what you want out of life. If you clasify what he sees as his needs as 'idealistic' then clearly you have masivly difrent outlooks on life. That's not nessicerally an 'autistic thing.' But him strugelling to convey his point of view clearly to you might be.
I can give you one bit of advice though if you don't think he understands what you are tring to say. You know when people are so blunt and matter of fact about things that it actually sounds a bit rude? When if you aren't blunt enough with him when expersion your concerns that it might sound a little bit rude you probably aren't getting through to him.
I love that. A tonne of top soil.
I have jewelry from my husband but I hardly ever wear it, although it’s beautiful. He can’t understand how I may not want to wear it when I have quite much of it and he does not understand sensory issues. Sometimes I wear it for him to give him this pleasure on a Sunday walk.
I love jewelry, but rarely wear it, I'd love to eat out more, but food intolerances make it difficult. I think many of my relationship issues in the past have come about because I'm not high maintainance, for some reason partners don't understand that I really do want a ton of top soil as a xmas persent and not some box of smellies that will burn my skin and give me contact dermatitis, apparently this makes me difficult.
Yes - my wife has idealised ideas of the way things should be and she's allistic. (I can't say NT because she's dyslexic). I have it a little bit, but she has it 100 times stronger than me, It leads to her disappointment a lot of times. She doesn't do it as much these days.
Is an emotional connection not possible in an ND relationship?
It is, but it will require some effort from both of you to foster and nurture it.
In your original, duplicate thread, I recommended a particular book to help you both with this. In that book, Chapter 8 is entitled "An Emotional Connection" and begins with:
"So how do you develop an emotional connection with someone with Asperger's syndrome?"
It later includes:
"Mental health professionals understand that relationship problems between someone with AS and a neurotypical partner stem from issues on both sides. Shared responsibility and negative symptoms that affect both partners can be found at the core of such difficulties".
I'll also paste my original reply from your earlier thread below:
You might find this book helpful (I have, so it's a personal recommendation):
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner
Quotes from the blurb include:
" This book explains how Asperger's may cause problems in a relationship and offers help for communicating, coparenting, and building an emotional connection with a partner who has Asperger's syndrome."
"This book presents practical guidance that will help partners get what they need in their relationships by working together with their Asperger's partner."
It includes thought-provoking exercises that you can carry out together and use as a basis for discussions.
It was written when Asperger's was still a diagnostic term, but it would now simply fall under "autism". One caveat: when describing scenarios or potential issues, the author constantly switches between which of the male and female partners is NT and which is autistic. This can be annoying, but the trouble is still well worth it, in my view.
Couples therapy might also be worth considering.
It's funny you say about jewellery, because I never understood it. But because I am the man it meant that I never bought trinkets for a long time. I probably bought my first necklace for my wife about 10 years in. She loved it more because, while I didn't understand, I did it anyway.
Inside jokes are nice. I make my wife tea every morning and say the same silly thing every time. And we both laugh.
My husband often tells me that I’m very sweet, probably because I’m just simple, honest, caring wife and I don’t have high requirements, I don’t need much of entertainment, expensive things jewelry, restaurants etc. I don’t even like them. Just walk in a park, coffee to take away and talk or sit quiet and enjoy the beauty of this world. This is what makes me happy
Humour is a very big part of what makes me feel connected with someone. Inside jokes are a must. Being playfully silly. Or when something you find funny happens, and you look to that one person, and they're already looking your way because they want to know if you found it as funny as they did.
I also like taking care of someone if I'm close with them like that. I was with this woman for a little while. She would drink wine and fall asleep in her chair. I'd pick her up, carry her to her bed, and tuck her in. I'd very much like to be able to do that again in the future.
I feel more connected through a deep meaningful conversation and holding hands than other forms of connection. Intimacy is sometimes difficult for me
I can tell you from personal experience that an emotional connection is very much possible with autistic people. It just might not be in the form you're expecting. Though, you make me curious when you say that his unmet needs are idealistic and not basic. Are you comfortable with elaborating on this?
In my marriage, I'm the autistic husband and my wife is (I assume) the NT one. I absolutely want an emotional and loving connection with her - the same as I want to feel valid friendships and connections with other people. I just may not know exactly how to achieve that and can feel lost and scared when I think I can't. Luckily, my relationship with my wife is, for the most part, happy and stable.
Like others have suggested, I believe there is some kind of breakdown in communication in your relationship. I'm not assigning any blame to either side, because you're right you are also entitled to feel like you should be supported. It is a two way street though, and it won't be an easy conversation for either of you, all depending on what you both want.
I always experience the idealized love in my daydreams deeper than the reality. This often leaves me somehow not satisfied. Having my pattern recognition, seeing the difference between my idealized love in my mind and the real love I just work on myself to firstly accept the fact that it is what it is, secondly recognize what’s the core of the problem, and then I try to balance it - see what my husband or I actually can change, and what I have to leave in my fantasy world. I’m not sure if it’s helpful, or if it has anything to do with autism or not at all, maybe NTs also experience it similarly.
Try looking up the 5 languages of love and see which you both are then you maybe able to work on feeling that you're emotional needs are met.
I think most of us are more than capable of connecting emotionally with people, but maybe this disconnect between you has less to do with ND and more to do with the relationship stage your at, how long you've been together and all the same things you'd have with an NT partner?
I am wondering why you married this man, if you don't believe you have an emotional connection? Did you have it when you met, but you feel it's been lost since you got married? That happens with lots of relationships, not just ones with ND partners.
I can't really advise as you don't say what your unmet needs are, or what his are either. If you just tell him there is "a lack of connection" how can he guess what to do about that?
But in answer to your question, yes, autistic adults do have and understand emotional connection. You just have a normal relationship issue.
The intellect overwhelms and suppresses the emotional core. I know. It's a living hell.
Have you seen the film 'Adam' with Hugh Dancy and Rose Byrne? I watched this with my wife. Opened our eyes, I think, as to how hard relationships are in general, let alone across (or indeed within) the neurodiversity spectrum.
A
I’m autistic, my two adult children are both autistic, and my husband has many autistic traits but no diagnosis. We feel a deep emotional connection to each other - so I don’t think you can really generalise.
Ultimately - whether someone in a relationship is autistic or not - it’s important that that you are happy in the relationship and feeling loved and cared for. If you’re very unhappy and your partner cannot meet your essential needs in the relationship then it has to be addressed. Very hard - but you can’t just accept a relationship that causes you so much unhappiness.
