My Wildlife holidays.

another thing aswell is that its been very I dont know what the word is not embarassing but awkward around the staff members because im a very quiet person I dont show my emotions too much in front of others but when I think i meed to or be nesacery I allow them to come to the surface and i cam be very exspressive bit i still try to remain as controled as possible so in that way im very reserved

when im in a envirement that im comfortable in or happy in I tend to be more comfortable letting my feellings become more visable either on my face or in my body language but i still stay controled all the same so most of the time im very reserved when it comes to my emotions.

my face and body language can contradict how i really think and feell inside sometimes but not only that I can show no signs of being anxious or stressed or anything whatsoever and im very good at this as I go about my every day life in the house and act completely normal.  this is exspecialy the case on the outside to people like when im with staff and what not or when Im engageing in a special interest so my body language and behavior dictates my true emotions and due to this theres no indication to them that im even remotely un happy living here and this has allways been the case for many years that iv been here 

this can make it exstremly awkward if say you need to exspress thoughts and feellings or when it comes to situations like this im about to describe Im un certain of how to react with the staff cause my mind is used to being so reserved around them and also It may or may not help if i act reserved but my mind has been coping this way for 10 years and that is a very long time it is normal enough that I automaticaly react this way with them due to being in a place that isnt suitable for me for so long and it has created a very awkward situation

cause now i dont know weather to not act reserved so that they know or act reserved but weather i want to or not my mind automaticaly goes into reserved mode the second I walk out the door every day. im very good at adopting the correct body language amd behaving like myself on the outside while also hideing my emotions from them to the point of behaving fine or even as if happy in the long term just to get through every day

now that iv told the socisl worker im not happy here and that i know the social wirker has told the staff things are very awkward im trying to just sort things out with my social worker and Mum and get to the leaving stage

before i even sqy anything to the staff cause i dont know what there reaction will be to it and they may not be much help and so I dont know how to react around them weather i should let myself habitualy for coping purposes act reserved around them or weather I should just let the fact im not happy living here show or not while im sorting this whole thing out about my social worker im also very worried about the manager asking me why i told the social worker im not happy here next week before i even get to sort everything out with Mum and my Social worker 

an update on the athletics   thing aswell 

either my key worker or me is going to ask the manager  about visiting to see whay its like first before paying again before i make any decitions 

the journalism thing i dont know how im going to sort that out yet as the manager still doesnt understand why i wanted a flexable course and still under the asumption I could stop going out evem though I wouldnt do that cause I would also want to gonout and practice what iv learned aswell or still go out too but those are the updates I thought I would also add 

apologies. i made a comment it made a duplicate by mistake when my comment was sent then all my comments disapeared so it was  being awkward. theres multiple factors involved not just one

aswell as that i also need to more directly write what about the way the house works and the factors that make it un suitable the problom is and this is the big thing that prevented me telling her on the spot 

while most would be able to say yes im not happy here and then describe the reasons with ease with me i have had to surpress the reasons for so many years so that I could tell someone when the time is right surpressing all the many factors that were there and that were constantly coming up and more and more all the way up to now

was a way of coping as i had no comfort in telling the social workers weather im happy here or not and that it isnt suitable.

 telling them was the  first step and was challanging enougb as it is. i was then exspected to exsplain why im not happy living here and why  it isnt suitable  which i didnt exspect

cause i was short on time cause i was going to be going home so then of course being closed up to my social workers and my Mum due to not being able to tell my social worker im not happy where i am and that its unsuitable has meant my mind is now used to keeping them to myself and uses it as a way of coping with living in a place that is un suitable

the trouble is its going to take a long time to become comfortable with my social worker and eventualy open up to her about why its un suitable and this will take me out of my comfort zone

and the thing is when it comes to this kind of thing if im anxiuous enough or been surpressing for long enough i can find myself with almost like a stone in front preventing me from bringing them not just out my mouth to vocalise but also get onto paper this is where i end up silent and not telling anyone or even writing instead even though writing is easyer when i cant exsplain through words if keeping something to yourslef happens for too long and your body uses it and becomes a norm

due to needing to of used it for so long this kind of thing causes a block in writing so that im unable to get it all onto paper.

its the person that i will be showing it to that is causeing the writing block and the block in being able to adress all the factors that its unsuitable and how another place would be better even though i would be able to if i was comfortable and not anxious exspressing these to her in order to adress them to her even though i know they need to be so that i can go elsewhere 

I hope that these posts are helping you to get your thoughts in order for them.

Bullying is one of the worst things in the world. A lot of people on this board have suffered through bullying, sadly. I know that I did, but not as badly as you describe.

I meant to add on my post about the lady by the way she is was a mental health professional  and had the authority to observe and recognise disorders and go and get me  diagnosises so it wasnt just any lady that came to see me and diagnosed me around 2013 and 2014 and 2016. the diagnosis in 2016 I wasnt particualrly inpressed with at first and it was a type of mood disorder it has lots of  mis conceptions and stigma atached to it and I deal with enough of those cause of my autism and learning disability and everything but doing research on it and learning anout the facts and everything some of it does make sense. i dont fit the whole criteria but I think some or most.  you need to at least fit a certain number of it and my Mum and everyone at the seperate meeting for the diagnosis that i didnt know about or attend agreed to it and I personaly think that the thing is i was bullied at college cause i was hit and so contantly felt unsafe like i could get hit all the time even if i wasnt anywhere near him but the bullying wasnt just physical so that part slipped under peoples radar  and even  during safe guarding it still continued this went on for 3 years  and i still didnt feell safe until he and i left. i also didnt have any proper friends and me not having any proper friends made me a target for bullying there so this and then after i left college the trauma in 2013 aswell as having members of family passing away from un natural courses including depression in a short space of time ebery year one after another and living in a place im not happy in also i think that aswell as my autism and learning disability may have contributed to both disgnosises that i recieved around 2013 and 2014 and 2016 and so think that the diagnosis i recoeved in 2016 may have something to do with all these factors and the way my brain has learned to deal with them has contributed to the mood disorder develiping that i recived in 2016

another thing i wanted to add I will be seeing Mum next Monday and im still struggling to get all the reasons that span 2013 all the way up to now all written down for my social worker 

yes I fixate on those aswell as they take over. it takes time for the  interests to fully develop but I do lots of research on them before they then turn into proper long term hobbys. while they are developing I fixate on them mentaly and usualy engage with them either  on my own but i never discuss them in my care home until they reach a certain stage and are fully dveloped.  i need space  until im ready to talk about them openly my interests usualy develop on my own first over the course of weeks or months before my family finds out about them.  unless my Mum or dad watches or shows me something or whatever that instantly causes me to develop an interest then only my family knows until its fully established but usualy any new interests i have tend to be triggered by other interests i was either aware or not aware of haveing

its like cause and effect. for instance from watching scooby doo when i was a child i developed an interest in mysterys. knowing my interests are strongly influcened by exsernal factors plus self growth and discovery aswell certain themes iv allways been interested in im very careful about what people i asocsiate myself with interest wise or when it comes to tv amoung other things i also know what sort of things i may not undertsnad cause of my autism and learning disability and cause my brain is behind developmentaly it also afects my physical and emotionaly maturity. when i was a teenager i couldnt watch anything that was for my age only younger than me or i wouldnt understand it and also may get upset even if its related to a special interest.

when Harry potter and the order of the phoenix came out it had older people than the dvelopmental stage i was at i was the equivalent of a 10 or 12 year old and not behaving like a teenager at all and more like a child and mind wasnt mature enough. i didnt find anything happy or sad i just didnt understand it cause  it was too mature so i got upset so I had to wait until i was older. i still had to set boundarys 2 years ago and say it has to be 12 plus or pg and no older. its only this year iv been able to watch things that are abit older but when i was on holiday this year cause im interested in mysterys aswell as another factor being involved also i did say yes to what dad wanted to watch with me with this one he wanted to watch A crime documentary. which led me to become interested in criminology. 

but alot of interests develop independantly of my family or anyone else also though. most of them do and usualy more influenced by circunstances or self growth or other interests amoung other factors. 

an example of circunstances would be that i didnt develop a proper interest and fully develop a speacial interest in Autism and teach people about it until i was 14 when I was 14 the teacher told my class they have autism and taught them about it.   i was 10 when i was told i have autism and everything else but it wasnt until I was 14 i became interested in it proper 

the lgbtq thing i didnt know it existed until how i discovered i was and came out as it and did research i actualy dveloped an interest i never had to begin with until i came across it for the first time the year it came out. 

something i wondered weather you might find interesting with one of the people i told in 2020 they genuinly didnt know what transgender was or know what any other terms for romantic or sexual orientation until i came out as such and tuaght them about it to help them undertsand it and it caused them to question theres and wonder if they might be transgender or not or a different orientation like say bisexual and not gay and gay was the only term they heaard lgbtq wise. they  usualy heard it used in slang or jokes so that was where they got it from and eventualy came out as a different orientation to me and actualy thanked me this was during lockdown.  

another thing that impacted people from me coming out as transgender was that the care home said that no one has come out as transgender in the care home before so they dont have any training for it.  it wasnt until some time after i came out as transgender the manager realised they didnt have one and asked for there to be training on lgbtq and transgender. a staff member came up to talk to me at the care home and told me that the manager said this was missing.  if i didnt come out as transgender they wouldnt of known they didnt have one and wouldnt of thought about it probably. and cause i came out as transgender staff needed to learn about it cause new staff didnt know about it and wondered if i could teach them about it so that they have a better understanding of it I was still asked to do this even this year. unfortunatly there finding there training boring and repetative. when I was thinking of hormone therapy and i found a documentary on it and that it goes through absoloutly everything including how it afects relationships they said if i showed the manager they could maybe use it in the training i didnt ever get round to doing that though cause i was too pre ocupied. they still asked me if i could do that  into this year when they got more new staff again like they did last year and the year before that

It's great to expand your interests. There is also nothing wrong with having extra special interests too. After all, the great zoologists of the world all love wildlife.

The nice thing about profile pictures is that you can change them whenever you want. It's not as if you would be stuck with it forever.

It's also great about your self discovery and growth. A lot of autistics have similar thoughts about themselves. I spoke to a lady who is trans a week ago in my autistic group. We spoke about quantum mechanics and the mind for an hour.

Be sure to let us know about any new interests. Sometimes other people's interests spark an interest in me. I like to hear about them 

sorry for the late response. Well the thing is its abit complicated. even though Wildlife is my speacial interest and I do do it as a hobby every couple of years I develop new ones. when I was a child cause i had a main special interest like i do today it can come across as being very limited as if its the only thing that im interested in in fact up until I was 14 Mum allways refered to me as haveng a limited range of interests even though I was of course interested in other things like Harry Potter and scooby do amoung others other than just Pokemon. I wouldnt watch new things so my intersts wernt as varied as you know when you have a special interest it is generally seen by society and neurotypicals and not to metion even described to them probably if they ever find out about autism that that  interest is all the person ever talks about and that may be the case it can mostly be true except from the fact that as soon as i turned 14 and heard Mum say i only have a limited range of interests i begun to wonder what it would be like to watch things i havnt seen before and as a result my interests became more varied even though i usualy had a special interest and cause of my speacial interest whatever it was looked like that is the only thing i was interested in cause i rarely talked about anything else unless asked about what else im interested in. but cause of my speacial interest it can cause people to asume say that that is all your interested in. but in the now im going through a period a period of self growth in lockdown i discovered not only do I have gender dysphoria and am trangender i also discovered i have a different sexual or romantic orientation aswell at first i rushed abit and thought i already knew what it was due to both happening all at once but by the end of the year discovered it was something else and discovered that someone learning from me learning about myself discovered they had a different one also. in the same year and during 2022 and 2023 I also discovered that i dont just identify as male but also neither sometimes so also go by he him aswell as they them but identifying as neither sometimes but mainly identifying as male most of the time telling everyone about also identifying as neither would complicate things for the people around me who were only just understanding this whole transgender  he him thing and transitioning I only started in 2020. and of course before a few years before lockdown I was learning about my family and gentics and family tree and what not and of coruse even though i know alot about myself im still on a journey of self discovery and  is a very long journey this means im developing new interests aswell and so i also engage in my other interests not just wildlife and of course cause i have other speaical interests my (main) speacial interest and how it lasts can vary before another takes its place and ususaly i need to make sure there is room for any interests im developing aswell that i can also fixate on  cause i can become too fixated on one particular interest so i dont know what i want my profile to be cause i have lots of different interests 

things like self growth self discovery gaining more knoledge and exsperiance as you get older 

The sad thing about this, Zo - is that it will seem like you are being 'difficult', when you are not being difficult. Or, at least, no more difficult than any other human being is.

I wouldn't like to be placed in a home with people I don't know - being autistic I am just like you on this and would have all the same sensitivities.

But even non-autistic people would feel very similar. I know that my wife wouldn't like it. I know that my brother wouldn't like it.

You are also scared of being alone. Again this sound 'difficult' because it contradicts the above. But I don't like being totally alone. My wife doesn't like being alone. My brother wouldn't like being alone.

The options that we have are not open to you at this time - meaning I can live with my wife. My wife can live with me, My brother can live with his family.

This must get you down. I actually think you are very brave and very resilient.

I hope that this puzzle can get solved for you (or by you)

In a change of subject - on wildlife. Have you ever thought of making your profile picture your favourite animal, or something like that?

yes she is also worried in case its further away from home cause then i wouldnt be able to see them as much she is also worried it wont allways br the same peoplle coming in and that that it will be different staff each time.  

its not her worrys  that prevented me from telling the social worker but how she responded to her worrys about it cause back a couple of years ago when I said I waa going to tell the social worker im not happy where my money is going and want to move she said no your not  and dis ecourgaed me so its how she responded to her worrys that i meant by her atitude 

I have been looking for somewhere on my laptop

but the problom that i have is i have found is that living with people i dont know until i get to know them doesnt work with me i have to get to know people properly first before i live with them .

  i also  need to either be in a house with people i know and who know me  or no one at all. another thing is that i need to stay at a place to get an idea and  see what its like and how it works then make a decition and not just visit it once. one visit isnt enough to know what a place is really like  cause you wont be a visitor when you stay. you know what its like as a visitor but not actualy staying there. 

 unfortunatly my autism makes it challangeing living with other people. in 2016  I was diagnosed with  a additional  disorder to go with my autism and other disorders that im born with which was new to me at the time. in 2016 the person who diagnosed me was the same person who diagnosed me with depression in 2013 and the same person that refered me here who came and saw me sometimes here and didnt do anyhting when i told her i wasnt happy here.

but n this case it will of been 2 or 3 years later cause 2016 is the year i saw her again. although i didnt know i would. at this point being older and being here longer I told the lady the same thing but rather than her coming over here i went over to her cause i wasnt in my bedroom all day and every day ane never going out  like i used to be. now I was out and about so went to see her instead.  I told her im not happy here and why since she was the one that helped move me here at my Mums request. the meetings we had wernt about that but other things but I thought it was important to tell her since she helped  move me to where i am

the report that came back from the meeting of course went through the sessions i had with her for what i saw her for but it did have a short referance to the conversation beforehand about not being happy where i am and why but rather than saying what i said it said what she thought she  said that autism makes living with others challangeing and that with me she thinks i should ideally live on my own 

the only thing is before coming to a place like where i am now no one exsplained to me what terms i may come across when i leave college and had no idea what care placements there are what they are or what support options i had.

when i was at college   I  wanted to live at home and go to live at a acomodation where I can live  with people i know like friends or aquantances or people i know if not at least when i left college. but at the same time have someone to help us with what support we need.

i thought that is what was written down cause i didnt know what a term meant the person i told wrote down   for what i want to do after college or understand what the term meant that they wrote down either cause no one exsplained it to me

 when i told them that living with friends is what i wanted i meant living with people i know not people i dont know so there was a clear mis understanding which i wouldnt of known ocured due to not being talked through what terms mean and what support options are available   

being older and having been to support acomodation for a long time i eventualy learned what was meant and what the terms meant and it wasnt what i said i wanted to do after i leave college. regardless though  ideally i should of been talked through everything and made sure that i understood beforehand and with the process where i transitioned from college everything was too rushed. I dont know if any other autistic people wernt talked through transitioning from college to what decitions and choices you can have after other than jobs 

 the dilema i have is I have done some research and  I have found out what support options for people with autism and learning disabilitys are available I came across it while looking at places for me to move to. and finding out terms and what they mean a care home usualy involves a care home setting where its not just living with others but multiple factors involved in how care homes work and from my exsperiance aswell as knoledge of the ups and downs of care homes a care home option even though people like the idea of it due to the needs that i have and me as an individual arnt for me.  I wont want to live with others my autism makes it too diffucult and its not just that either theres many factors to do with care homes why a care home isnt for me even though you get support. supported living which people seem to be fond of being the next step again is a care home I wont want to live with others but  i wont want to live on my own either. neither are really the best option. my family i dont mind even though its hard but people i dont know challanges my autism more than living with people iv allways known and allways known me and comes with too many risks as you dont know what its like to live with them. i also dont like the idea of people getting money from you even though its to take care of you. people that look after me dont get enough money when you dont want to go out since you want to go out but not as much as everyone else and then theres new people so you end up with different people and theres many more factors  

 I have alot of exsperiance and know how care homes work  before i came to one i didnt but now I do  now I know it wasnt the best option. i think all of this could of been avoided if people say wrote down all the options people with autism and learning disability have and not just one or two and exsplained what the terms meant before people started the whole process into getting me into a care home particularly this one but that aside  now im older my goals have changed and cause a care home isnt right for me and other options would of been better to consider and have looked into those also cause of that 

nope it hasnt worn off yet he hasnt got bored of it. 

for holidays I havnt got any other holidays aside from this last one yet acording to Mum so this will probably be the last one for now I think when things are more relaxed i will do the rest of the holiday. they said they havnt booked another one yet  

Hi Zo, I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy where you live. It must be very tough for you. I guess that your mum is worried that you'll end up with nowhere. Places are full up, and it must be very hard for them to match needs with what a place can do. And then there is geography on top of all that - your ideal place may be in Newcastle (I've made that up). None of those reasons make this any less difficult for you, though.

I hope that 'mega' phone man gets board of it soon.

I hope that you week is getting easier.

I was defiantly very anxious. the social workers are all different so the social worker that comes to my review changes and they arnt my social worker but social workers this social worker that came today is my social worker and to save me repeating my social worker the name is Lucy. not Lucy the dog from home just to clarify.  so if i use the name Lucy that is my social worker. she hasnt seen me since 2018.

I started the care i have now  in late 2013.  mid 2013 I  not long started getting  payed for care and at some point in the week during my first week where the money used to go to   before i could settle in proper I  went through  traunatic exsperiance caused by a life threatening complication  due to my rare condiition Tuberous Sclerosis.  after being in hospital for a couple of months  not long after going home from hospital a breack up ocured during the same time frame. around Christmas in 2013 I started here   ever since late 2013 which is when  i started where my money is going to its never been suitable for me. my  Mum knows that im not happy with it but shes worried about the process  other places in case they cant find anywhere else and worrys in case there isnt anywhere better and due to these worrys even though i have been saying i know what its like and she doesnt and that I want to leave where the support is going to for ever since 2013. I have been wanting to tell the social workers  ever since but instead of saying no Iv been saying no i dont want to talk to you cause I know if I say no to the social worker what Mums atitude is like towards that and how cause she has a different point of view will twist things around. 

there was a lady  that used to come and see me here  I told her i wasnt happy with where i am.  she was the one that  refered me here and so thought it was iimportant  i should  tell her cause she knew me and  used to see me so i told her i wasnt happy here but I hadnt been here as long cause it was around 2013 2014 time frame but  i knew its not a suitable place for me to live and knew things would get worse but  nothing happened. now its 2024 and as i exspected from past exsperiances of places that are unsuitable for me that i havnt been happy in and have had to leave from more and more factors came up over the period i lived there and reasons why it was unsuitable it has cause i wasnt taken sireously to begin with at the start. now its 2024 and i know what i want and dont want and need and dont need from past exsperiance and my exsperiance  here from where the money goes if i get the opportunity  to need to look elsewhere. I did tell my support worker no in the end. to be honest i almost gave in to my anxiety and almost said no i dont want to talk but i did say no eventualy which i havnt said to any social workers over the years. its been 10 or 11 years so the money has been going to here ever since 2013 but i dont like the fact my money is being spent somewhere un suitable it needs to be spent somewhere suitable. 

I was told by the social worker shes from the county council and asked me to give the reasons that im not happy here. unfortuantly iv been surpressing the reasons for so Many years now its hard to open up so im not going to blurt everything out with ease. she said do you want to go somewhere else and i said yes.  she suggested telling Mum the reasons i want to leave and why where the money is going isnt suitable so that she can tell her. but im so uncomfortable with opening back up to her about it again after her atitude towards everything that i never did when i went home so I asked if i could speak to my social worker in person cause it will be easyer for me and she said ok she will try. she messaged her to ask but it will take a few days for her to respond. im needing to write all the reasons down and what will make another place better before Mum can even do anything though she said 

I hope that it went OK with the social worker.

You really do have my sympathy about the karaoke.

We had next door neighbours that did building work for two years!!! And then they proceeded to have a baby. We like children. We can't have our own. But it is very draining when you have to put up with babies crying night and day. You have to put up with it because you can't complain about babies. They can't help it. The extra annoying thing was that the previous two owners also had new born babies but then moved out when they got older and quieter.

It is tough having noise sensitivity.

I do have a suggestion - If the novelty of it doesn't wear off for him, could you ask the people in charge if he could come to some sort of agreement where he only uses the 'mega' phone at certain times? Then you could prepare for it each day with your headphones, or whatever.

yea and belive it or not iv just been woken  up by at 8:30. he has a loud voice anyway which is just the way he is. not ideal for someone like me with hypersensitive hearing and he has his music blaring  but that is the way he is so if you merge The kareoke microphone that iv nicknamed mega phone particularly with the kareoke itself which he will also have on loud volume then Iv been cooked up a loud cocktail. I dont normaly go to the things where people sing happy Birthday but I was offered a cake which was vegetarian and that was nice of them but the Birthday present or  cocktail they  delilvered later om I could of done without. 

I dont know what im going to do about it in genral anyway though to be honest he was loud enough without it and now its way too loud but if I ask if he or they can turn things down or keeps things down abit when its too noisy or loud and I only do it if its too noisy or loud for me cause of my hearing then I i get told off which is wrong.

so I dont know what im going to do about the microphone in the long term but it is certainly not somethong i can put up with in the long term cause I can hear it through the wall in my room even though hes one floor down. 

The meeting is at 10 oclock. im not normaly ready by 10 though so I wouldnt of been able to go anyway and im very slow at getting ready so unless i need to go home or go on holiday if I have to do that then I end up haveing to get up early or getting down what takes a long time the day before so thay i can be on time the next day. 

 Mum and  the social worker and other person that is coming fpr the meeting they are coming now ready for 10 but the meeting doesnt actual start until 10 but thanfuly im not going to it. the lady will come up after the meeting amd ask me the question that im anxious about reaponding to

but im also anxious cause I dont know what they will be talking about in relation to how much money is going to where its going and weather there will be changes and Anxious about things turning out negatively and due to certain factors that is defantly something im anxious about too so theres more than one thing that is causeing my Anxiety about the meeting 

. 

That is really bad luck about the 'mega' phone on the day before your social worker appointment. I hope that it goes ok and has the best outcome. It really does sound stressful, but I hope that you have a nice time with your family afterwards.

peace and quiet at last. in the end it wasnt just  he  one other that who can also be loud and noisy also wanted a go with micro phone  but have    gone to bed now so now my priority is to enjoy it while it lasts cause tomarow i will have to put up with what  I will now call a mega phone cause micro makes it sound micro which just doesnt fit if you ask me.  im going home after the meeting though thankfuly. i wont be going to it but the lady will want to ask me the thing im anxious about answering for reasons i stated previously though and i still havnt decided what to respond causse of the aprehension of if i say no. i could say I dont want to answer but then that isnt as honest as if i answered no and i dont want to answer yes cause that wont be honest.

I never say yes at my revues cause I dont want to be dishonest. only i dont want to answer but they have to ask at every revue every year and I allways respond with the same thing

so nothing changes cause of my Anxiety about the potiential things i know could go wrong if i do say no when they ask me at my revue

 my intuition keeps telling me youv been saying this for so many years now so its gone on long enough now and now its 2024 you really need to tell her so im kind of stuck.

that is what is causeing so much of my anxiety about it still and my mind wont stop talking in my head and going on at me in my head almost trying to get me to decide and trying to persuade me to say no when my social woker asks toarow as a result. i keep respding to the words in my head with anxiety but my mind wont give up until iv either been persuaded by it or made a decition on what to say tomarow its wanting me to say no but my anxiety is preventing me from doing so 

 when its all finaly over i dont know weather the outcome will be all the same as usual which is that they dont get an answer from me as to weather im happy with where my support is going or not and just have Mums feedback which wont reflect my actual exsperiance 

its weather i say I dont want to answer cause of the reasons I said earlyer   or weather I  say no then risk what im anxious about 

but once all that is over i can go home and i can also get away from the microphone which would probably of prohibited me from relaxing back to baseline from my anxiety should i of not gone home after the meeting but since it will of been an eventful day for me i will of course need time to process everthing 

That made me laugh  "thoughtfully or unthoughtfully depending on how you look at it "

Well, at least you have a small breather because of today - if you can cope with the karaoke microphone.

she came in today so I asked if we can sort them out another time and she said yes 

I dont know weather she understood what she meant by that though so im still worried about Wednesday and Friday just not the sorting out the club today thing now thankfuly cause she didnt do it today cause of what  said. just got the meeting on Wednesday and what I said about Friday to worry about. I did go down planning to say so I was wondering if we could not do it this week but another time quickly but I got the nerves cause of an exspression she pulled that i didnt understand but she doesnt understand how sireous i am about the journalism and sports club and it doesnt help that iv had to post pone sorting it due to my first week coming back. cause i got the nerves i completley missed out the this week and just said another time but at least i didnt need  to sort it out with her today. not only do I have the meeting thing plus going home afterwards theres another event aswell its  my sissters birthday in a couple of days on the 7th October.

it is also someones birthday in the house aparantly and its there birthday today  also and someone who knows i have hypersenitive hearing  thoughtfuly or un thoughtfuly depending on how you look at it  bought the person a kareoke plus kareoke microphone which is un belivably loud when he speaks through it that aside relaxing week it is (hopefuly)  after the meeting tomarow i hope but i will be needing to process the day the day after still. 

the sports person and the person sorting out the sports club are two diferent people. so the one sorting out the form with me and the one the form being sent to are two different people. me and the person alreaady sorted out a form a couple of months ago. the form needed both my legal name and my biological sex and it didnt say anywhere what are your pronouns or gender identity or any gender identity options on the form or anything like that it was literaly just what is your legal  name and biological sex which was very uncomfortable for me.

for me i operate on I dont either want or not want something unless i say that to be the case cause people have a fustraiting tendancy to  try to read my mind rather than ask questions and so jump to lots of conclusions and form many asumptions  that have never been said by me personaly and i get it alot. 

I dont  exspect people to know that i dont want to do a club or whatever it is i desire to do if i dont  without telling them eventualy  but with the person sorting the form out shes on a different level and trys to read things that havnt been verbalised to her or said as is so i made it clear what i want to do 

the person sorting out the sports club knows iv been looking into lots of clubs and looking for some i want to do and i let her know some of them but that the sports club thing is one of the ones i want to do 

i was told she would let me know if they get back to me so i waited. there was no response for about 1 to 2 months so when i next saw her she said shes going to get back to them and ask what is going on 

and that she will let me know if they get back to her so I waited August and September and I thought while im waiting for the sport thing to be sorted il sort out the journalism course i also want to do and cause its flexable i can do it whenver which means i can carry on as i usualy do day to day and go out but also do the course aswell then it wont disturb my routine that is the idea i came up with for the course and one of the reasons it would be better than doing it at a college.  the idea is there is no set day or time so i can do it whenever so it wont get in the way of going out. but the lady sorting that and the sports club out got the wrong idea and thought it was cause i just want to do the course all day so said she will only sort the journalism thing out if there is set days which defeats the objject of why im doing it 

eventualy i will need to for the journalism course but in order to go into college i need to do this course and then do GCSEs afterwards and get a certain score so that i can get into the college and do a course proper. 

I wasnt able to do GCSEs as a child at school or college cause they were too diffucult due to my autism and learning disability but i had to find out what grades i got so me and Mum looked and aparantly i passed  an entry level 2 in englsh and maths and passed  entry level 3 in science. 

Mum says i cant do GCSEs cause im autistic and have a learning disability. i responded and said just cause you have autism and learning disability doesnt mean you cant do GCSEs and i have a hard time thinking theres no one out there with autism and learning disabilitys who has done GCSEs

i made it clear i really do want to do it to get into the college and by the end of the day after a long discussion they said to start from the begining and work my way up rather than saying yes or no. 

but an entry level isnt going to get me into the college and i will need to get grades in english and maths or literature in a course for the college i want to do the journalism course at. but i found out that i would need to do an introductery course in journalism before i can even go onto the next step which will be a course acredited by the nctj and the college i want to go to is already acredited by it so GCSEs and  college will be the step after 

after i did enough research on the journalism thing i let the lady sorting my sports club out know and fustraitingly i had a bad foot at the time so going to the club was no until it was better and I exsplained to her due to my bad foot i wouldnt be allowed cause if you have an injury you have to sit it out and you arnt fit to train so wont be able to do it until my foot is better when its better 

as for the journalism thing 

 the idea is there is no set day or time so i can do it whenever so it wont get in the way of going out. but the lady sorting that and the sports club out got the wrong idea and thought it was cause i just want to do the course all day so said she will only sort the journalism thing out if there is set days which defeats the objject of why im doing it and not going to college 

and since she didnt get back to me about the sports club i continued waiting and looking into the journalism course and she went to sort it out. then at the end of last month I kept being asked if i still wanted to do the sports club and i replyed yes I was in the car then when someone told me they asumed i didnt want to do the sports club anymore and i responded no not unless i say I dont want to otherwise so i was told to let the person know that is sorting out the sports club cause she thinks that she asumes i dont want to do it anymore cause of the journalism 

so yesterday i asked about the sports club and if they came back and i was told by her i thought you didnt want to do it anymore cause of the journalism and I said no not unless I say so. and not unless i say i am or im not. 

and she said ok we will have to do the form again cause i told them you changed your mind. so we will do it on Tuesday. but that will mean me having to put my legal name and biological sex all over again 

and then i still dont know where they stand with transgender rights and they split male and female teams up. 

the journalism thing she still doesnt understand about the idea of it and that its not for the reason she thinks and still wants to know if i still want to do it even though i do and so said i do yesterday.

I didnt want to sort out the sports thing or journalism thing out this week cause of the meeting and it will be overwhelming and so i found it really diffucult trying to get the words out and I was too slow to respond cause i was very nervous so just as the first few words slowly started coming out in a both stumbling and stuttering or stammering fashion tto  start the converstaion of in a way to make it easy for me to leaad on to the question to not do it this week due tto struggling to form a full  sentencce without long pauses and stutering  i got interupted and that is where she asked about the journalism thing. she said we will sort everything out on Tuesday altogether so i said can we sort the journalism thing out  on Thursday instead not on Tuesday but she couldnt do thursday so i said if not thursday then friday and she said friday I had to  improvise  cause she was leaving before she left though and didnt have enough time to take my time due to mu nerves and try and tell her and  i couldnt process everything what is said and how i should respond best and when on the spot at the time. i dont make well thought out decitions and choose what the best thing to say and do is and the way to respond effectively under pressure. by the time i realised what iv done and what the consquences of improvising was and not being able to give myself the time to tell her not to sort it out this week she had already left. 

You have a picture of cabins by the water. Is one of those your cabin? 

for the bug hotel  i thought you meant cabin cause you asked about the cabin so i got what you said mixed up

that was the part i was responding to 

the bug hotel is at the forest retreat where people park there cars and theres a gift shop and cafe but it is near to the pond 

I understand. I have never been able to put this into words before, but I am exactly the same. Like you say, even afterwards being more overwhelmed.

It's a shame the organiser didn't understand fully. If I may say one thing in their defence - (I don't know these things and they are just random guesses) - but there may be factors like the sports only being open for registration at certain times of the year, or the course enrolment only happening once a year, and they are trying to get it done so that there isn't a super long wait before the next possible time. Like I say, I don't actually know, just that they may have their reasons.

I meant bug hotel, not big hotel before - I've corrected this. Mine is tiny - but it is fully booked!

yes the thing is though that when i come back from holiday I have to settle back into the normal routine again and if I have to think about other things or events take place that same week  it interupts the process of settling back into my routine again and it takes me a week to fully settle back into my routine again and so if I dont settle ib to my routine smoothly it delays fully settling in properly  by another week which can cause probloms . 

so for me its best not to have things going on the first  week i come back it takes time for me to process things and I know my limits. if events ocur all at once in a short time frame even if i do it one at a time things  tend to go horribly wrong one way or another. its not just the processing of infomation before events ocur but also what events have happened after the events  my brain processes aswell  

starting both the sports club and journalism course next week even if the person did sort it out this week woukd be overwhelming cause it will afect my normal routine that i will of only just settled back into at least (hopefuly) and then settling in is pointless cause I will end up haveing to re adjust to a different routine and cause im transgebder I dont want the club knowing my biological sex only my gender identity and they have to know your biological sex for the club

I found out the person thats doing it for me aparantly asumed I didnt want to do it anymore cause I mentioned the journalism thing even though i actualy wanted to do both and not one at the exspense of the other 

so she is going to be printing a form to send all over again today and that requires giving them your biological sex which was already very uncomfortable to do  the first time around 

and then of course theres all the teams being split into male and female and then I also know they have gun to produce a sound and let people know when its time to race and I cant stand guns cause of my hyper sensitive hearing and my ear defenders dont block out all sound frequences only certain ones even loud noises dont allways get blocked out deoending on what it is  and there will be lots of people aswell

even though I want to do the club it doesnt mean that It should be sorted out this week even though iv been waiting for it to get sorted for a couple of months  for instance cause I get overwhelmed easily its best to do it when iv settled in same with the the journalism thing. its meant to be flexable so I cam do it when i want which means i can go out aswell as also do the course

but the person whos sorting out has a different idea entirely on everything abd has got the wrong idea in correctly  asuming the reason Iv chosen an online course that is flexable is instead so that i dont go out and only do the course when the oposite is true 

so there thinking too much into it  and not letting me just get on with and  it defeats the whole purpose of doing it 

if too many things happen at once in one week then im then unable to do the other even after iv done one cause its only after iv done each one my brain gradualy procesess what has ocured what it entiles and what is happening next now after the events and depending on how many they are and how big each one is for me then I dont allways sucessfuly process everything that happened that week 

it all becomes a big jumble and after everything is said and done i end up more overwhelmed than when i started 

as for the upside down bird the bird waa actualy literaly climbing up in that way it is called a treecreeper

if your refering to the photos below the pond there is at the forest retreat we went for a walk there the big pond though is the one that the cabin is on but not at the part of the pond where the retreat is.