My Wildlife holidays.

I understand this feeling too (and others here do as well, I reckon) I can only really think about one thing at a time. This isn't just tasks, but also new things in the future (like preparing for an event). It does sound like a tough week for you (I did read your social worker / mum post last night before going to sleep). I would be extremely anxious with it all happening at the same time too.

Hopefully when one of these things is done, the others will seem a little easier.

You got some great photos. I particularly liked the upside down bird clinging on to the underside of the branch.

You have a picture of cabins by the water. Is one of those your cabin? 

Edit: I also love the bug hotel. It is so much bigger than mine!

im Anxious about tomarow and this week in general.  someone is over eager and thinking i want to get my sport and journalism thing sorted out all in one week it doesnt sound like much but with me if too many things happen at once then I get overwhelmed and  I also have the meeting on Wednesday to think about  aswell as my sports club and journalism course and its abit much for me all at once since its only my first week back from holiday and I need to settle into my routine again also then im hoping to have a relaxed week rather than eventful so im unable to concentrate on anything except these things but that so Im struggling to think of my holiday which I was doing origionaly before all this came up offline yesterday afternoon. idealy under my current circunstances  I need to be in a relaxed state rather than anxious state to write and post the photos of my holiday. i would if I was able to focus on it properly but im struggling to focus on it 

its not the holiday post  thats overwhelming me in fact the holiday thing isnt an amxious thing and i enjoy it and  im not  rushing or anything either. im just struggling to concentrate on it cause of a persons over eagerness overwhelming me with too many things at once. 

the next part is a big trip so I really dont want to rush it and i need a break.   il take my time and do the rest later this evening. having a wifi with a mind of its own can be abit tireing but since its stable its safe to spend more time on it and not rush. I prefer  to write aswell as send photos when I do my holiday rather than just send photos. conversations arnt a problom cause i have my mobile data its mainly the wifi cause i can only acess my photos on my laptop 

belive it or not the wifi is full again now. it cant make its mind up 

edit: its stable now

im getting this sent before it suddenly goes off again. I meant to get as much done as i can yesterday  it tends to go off at the worst possible moment almost like its been programed to go off the second you have either finished writing or pressed a send button. the bars as of the start of this writing were full which is great I was unable to send any photos all afternoon and only had  time to chat. I would of sent photos if i was able to.  i was going to chat about whatever until it comes back on but that will have to wait the signal is only on 2 bars now. 

part 2 the walk 

back at the cabin 

im afraid i can only chat for now still rather than send photos cause the wifi is still funny so im useing mobile data.

that is interesting what you said about your Dad.

on Wednesday my Mum is having a meeting with my social worker and someone else about how much money social services give for support I have a revue every year.

 so she will be dropping me off so I will be with Mum and Dad the rest of the day on Wednesday unfortunatly I dont want them to keep paying for where I get the support cause I havnt been happy about it since they started paying in 2013 and how much money is being payed to where there paying it is what the meeting is about.

but Mum doesnt like me saying this sort of thing to the social worker and so Mum puts a positive spin on it and even though i have a choice weather to go to the meeting or not the dis comfort and aprehension about what could happen if I went is overwhelming and i know they paint a conpletely different picture to the way I actualu exsperiance it as in relation to where  the money for the suport is going to 

I get very anxious when i see people im groups it brings on sudden anxiety that wasnt there until I see a group its usualy a group of 3 or more.

I I also dont speak to people over phones or video calls  that includes  my Mum so pretty much anyone really either cause i get exstremly shy and nervous amd dont talk much I also get amcious alot when it comes to phone calls so there usualy out of the question when it comes to things like social workers and what not so my Mum or someone else usualy makes phones calls or video calls for me 

the money and support issue is something iv had since they started paying for me in 2013 where its being paid and weather im happy with it or not.

the thing is after they say are you happy with your support or not they normaly say and how can it improve if your not happy with it either through words or writing and what they could do but its not that sort of thing

its rather just an issue of it needing  to be spent where its more suitable 

 I dont normaly go to meetings with Mum and my social worker so i just stay stay in my room in case she wants to ask question or I go out   usualy. 

I also have a thing about meetings cause I get overwhelmed after them. 

and add to that I dont understand money so other people take care of the money for me so what they talk about i dont understand and also find very boring 

Mum has a different point of view to me on everything so isnt much help at all during the reciews. they mean well and they try but its just not suitable for various reasons in the long term for me due to certain factors and my sensory challanges 

aswell as my autism even though i have a learning disability i do have autism aswell and the thing is ome disorder gets more atention than the other so that my other needs like  my autism emd up getting overlooked at the exspense of my learning disability even though its not intentional. then when it comes to my autism my learning disability gets overlooked un intentionaly. 

the support they are going to be  discussing is more  learning disability orientated and the goal is also learning disability orientated  more than autism related and not all my needs are being met equaly even though Mum belives they are.

Im getting less support for my sensory challanges than other things aswell as that  peoples atotudes have become more negative since. 

every year i end up learning  more reasons  as to why t just isnt suitable for me and im actualy happier away from where the support is being paid which unfortunatly isnt the point in them paying to where there paying it 

the lady is going to want to ask if im happy with where the support is going but Iv closed up emotionaly about it to social workers  and im uncomfortable telling them cause of Mums atitude to the issue. 

im at the stage in life where iv had to learn the hard way what do you want vs what does your Mum want and that cause your old enough you need to make your owm decitions and be aware of  the rights you have

and this is something i struggle with cause im used to people making decitions on my behalf im used to someone else making decitions on my support based on what they have observed or on my behalf 

 and having more power over decitions i make about my support and so feelling like no matter what  decition i make about it it will ultimatly be decided by my Mum or soemone else in the end anyway instead and i dont know weather it is the right time to tell my social worker 

but ultimatly even if I did say im not happy with where its being payed  to then it is unlikely to change since Mum would try  to provide evidamce to the contrary and persuade them and turn it  into a  though he says this kind of scenario 

the reason being is she worrys about what would happen if I told my social worker and the whole diffucult process of fchangeing it and finding somewhere else for it to be spent so that it is payed elsewhere if it can even be found cause wev been through the whole long process before 

so I dont know if I will be at the meeting or not or whatever is going to happen or what to do  but eithet way I will be here in the morning at 10 and then out for the day 

that is only on Wednesday though. 

tomarow im hoping to sort the sports club thing out but first i need to be sure of where they stand on transgender rights rather than just jump in 

with the photos for my holiday wifi isnt on at the moment but when it is i will send more pictures for the holiday 

I welled up with tears reading about your Greek dad and your letter. I think because there are similarities to my own story. My own dad went back home to the USA when I was around 3. I did see him on occasion, every few years, Based on what has been said about him and similarities that I have to him, I suspect he was autistic. He has also passed on.

thanks. im actualy very similar in the sense that I find it alot easyer to exsplain thiings through words and drawings so writeing and drawings. 

ammoung other things than I do actualy talking to others.  on the outside im seen as being very articulate communication wise and you wouldnt think i had a social disability on the surface. i find it actualy makes  the struggles i have iin communication apear invisable on the surface  so it  makes it very hard to spot cause of the apearance. I dont hide the struggles and there allways there its like iv been born with an outer persona without a choice in the matter that overshadows all the communication and processing side of things or other challanges i face as a result of my autism  its almost like a blind that it put over.   alot of it is on a mental level so no one can see so that when or if my communication struggles become more obvious they wonder why since i come across as very fluent and articulate on the surface. on the surface i come across as having very good communication skills 

so when i do exspress the social struggles i have they are easily down played or not easily understood no matter how well or how hard i try to exsplain things. 

in fact this is one of the things that worrys my Mum sometimes  cause i have a learning disability but cause i have autism aswell as a learning disability i come across not needing exstra help since my autism makes it that i  apear to have  such good communication skills i easily cause doubt I have things like prossecing and communication and social diffucultys that result from my autism having  social diffucultys in social interaction  to the point one would wonder why i even need exstra help in the first place on the surface  exspecialy with the amount of facts and the kind of things i come out with and cause im very clever and knoledgable due to my autism  its the positve side and this sort of thing that Mum finds geting me exstra help for my speacial needs diffucult but i cant help it unfortunatly. 

however strangers and some people do pick up on my social challanges when it comes out but cause i come across as articulate puting the two together and understanding what i say and what i exsplain is very diffuclt but they have the idea that something is up and im acting differently. 

for me when i was at seconary school a speacial school for people with autism called rowdeford school I wrote my anxietys in a yellow book and then show the teacher what im anxious about or i would write storys and they commented on my writing which after reading a story about an exsperiance with a jellyfish when i was 16 at the beach in menorca  they said is a gift of mine and to keep at it. feedback usualy involved my writing being very exspressive and detailed about my personal exsperiance including what i thought and how i felt and physical sensation and reaction my body had as a result amoung other things and what happened next 

with things like exsperiances or exsplaining things i find it alot easyer to do it through written word than verbaly even though i can also say these things through words i find i put things alot better and even though i have all the right things in my head they just wont come out and i struggle with processing too so it means i have more time to process and say things the way i do best 

my dad is my step dad both my mum and dad are english but my biological father was greek cause he used to live in cypress then moved to the uk eventualy my greek family mainly speak greek so can be hard to undertsand them but my biological  Dad and other dads brother who is my uncle for me can speak some english aswell as greek. the english side can only speak english which would be my Mum and stepdad. my biological dad had  had mental health probloms smoking and alcohol probloms who said he will see me again when i was 10 that mum broke up with when i was 5 before moving alot and going to different mainstream schools before settling into one when i was older the final time i saw him was when i was 10 i waited and tryed not to loose hope that i will see him again ever since. he had contacted us for years. Mum asumed he meant it since hes usualy un eliable with texting and phoning and stuff and we didnt know where he was or what he was doing. i still tryed not to loose hope but in 2014 we found out where he was. a hospital phoned Mum and told her he is in hospital and that he isnt going to be alive for long he was in his 60s but it was due to smoking.  i didnt see him at hospital and we couldnt see him so I did him a letter about how old i am now and how i am doing and other things which the nurses noticed that he still had the lettet in his hand when he went so they put in in his draw and they burnt the letter whe doing the cremation he wasnt good father when he was one and didnt look after me properly and there was something wrong with him acording to Mum. but still loved me anyway this impacted me alot and belive it or not i wasnt interested inthings like genetics and  family until this event and it led me to learning about my family roots and my other dad and i had things passed onto me that he liked which i aparantly also have in common. acording to Mum i take after my other dad alot. I had no idea that my other family that i saw sometimes was from greek heritage and that my english family are from english heritage so no the dad i live with isnt my biological dad but he is my step dad. my sisster is aparantly actualy my step sisster cause she isnt from the same dad and my brother is my step brother. 

wilber didnt come with us this time cause hes not good with other dogs. the reason he came with us last time was cause we couldnt take the other dog. alfie likes going on holiday and is more solitary and doesnt like being with the other dogs so we take him alot 

we normaly take Aphie ziggy and willow 

You describe your inner self very well, Zo. I'm 54, autistic but don't have learning difficulties and I couldn't explain things like this as well as you do.

I guess that one of the things that I can relate to is that I can sometimes describe these things afterwards, in writing, but I can never get a description out verbally - especially at the time.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote today. (I think a lot of us here would do to)

yes I dont know when she will understand though or if she ever will or not cause iv been doing that for more than a few years now. unfortunatly she doesnt have autism support  groups or any other  autistic people like me to help her understand things just me. ever since i was younger shes allways only ever reached. out to people who are parents of people that arnt born with autism. the only parent she ever knew that had someone with autism she used to keep in touch with was a parent of someone called Rickie but she only spoke to the parents while i went off with there son. he had aspergers but also a speech disorder and behavior probloms. its the behavior problom bit there parents struggled with mainly. for me I dont have behavior probloms but due to my autism and learning disability Mum used to have probloms with me in shops or public places cause I got anxious or overwhelmed and I would either go quiet and not respond or the anxiety and my raiseing my voice un intentionaly and un awarely  in atempts to try and be understood due to whats causeing my anxiety and i struggle with exspressing my feellings in a way they can be understood when it comes to my autism and given i was only a child and i wasnt told i have autism until i was 10 i was very comfused and even after i was told the struggles remained and didnt get better if anything the struggle me and my family have when my autism came into play actualy  got worse as i got older rather than better particularly when i was in my mid to late teens but no one really helped not even my secondary school and college that was for people with autism and disabilitys. 

when at school  i would struggle and the anxietys from school would be brought over to my home life where any anxietys i had were like adding anxietys from both school and homelife were being added one ontop of the other. at school i had assembaly,  weather to work in class or outside of it, certain lessons i didnt know would be noisy the ones i got overwhelmed in were music and dance or parachuting amoung other school stresses so the sensory and other challanges of both were like building a sanswhich.

at home the main challanges  was doing certain things as a family coming across noisy restraunts without knowing they were noisy until visited or not knowing if a place is noisy or not until we get there. also a problom with other public settings. , crowded places,  changes, or undertsanding certain things  etc being diffucult cause of my autism caused her to incorrectly label it as a tantrum cause she doesnt know the right term and so would treat it as such i therefore got punishments and consequences for these autistic behaviors sometimes due to her losing her patiance  even though i didnt understand and wasnt naughty she also gets really stressed cause even though I usualy talk normaly I dont understand whats apropriate and whats not in a public place. if im talking about a special interest I may suddenly raise my voice and have no control over it and regulating my voice bringing it down a level can be close to impossible for me at times I  find it diffucult to lower it exsoecialy while simulataneously trying to focus on the priority of what im communicating and what they are at the same tome.

Mum often doesnt make me aware if iv acidently raised my voice but when she remebers she does even if Mum tells me to keep my voice down though theres the challange of regulation and  it can take a long time to regulate to a certain level they deem aproriate for the present place and situation and i dont allways understand either so she easily looses her cool with it and labels it things due to fustration. 

 I dont like raising my voice and am quiet a quiet person so i dont raise my voice on purpose nor am I usualy aware when and if i ever do cause it feells normal given how i feell or how i think andso when struggling to regulate my voice when my autism comes in  is eassily taken the wrong way in certain contexts. she knows that it is part of my autism and even told me and exsplained it to me when i was younger that its  part of my autism which is why it happens cause i didnt used to understand it and my research on autism has also supported the fact that it can be part of autism.  

 i could be happy or exited or any emotion at all but exspecialy when im passionate or trying to get a point across or feell strongly itd exspecialy diffucult,  ontop of that i sometimes use the in correct tone to how im actualy feelling also i might be say just passionate but cause i have allways had a naturaly deep voice and iv found it became deeper when i was a teenager  it comes out as if im angry and im unable to change my tone if i speak and comes out depper cause thats just the way i am and with a raised voice im not aware of along with it but then theres regulation cause its part of my autism.  it gets taken as an arguement or as something negative. then getting them to understand your not is notoriously diffucult and can be like talking to a brick wall. not that i have spoken to a brick wall but you know what i mean.  when im anxious my tone can also be in correct so my tone of voice doesnt allways congruent with the emotion im feelling in the moment  sometimes and my exspression doesnt allways match my tone of voice  either but i dont have any control over if or when that ocurs either and even i dont know then my body language isnt allways congruent either My Mum uses my apaerance to support her asumption of how im feelling along with the tone of voice im useing even though none of it is congruent with what i think and  how i feell inside. My Mum sometimes gets my autism and learning disability mixed up cause i have both and they both come into play so i sometimes have to remind her what is my autism and what is not its not just terms that come out due to frustraition that i have to bring them up on at times. 

 an interesting thing about my autism that can cause people to mis interpret and how i speak and act is also that it might be a certain facial exspression and  body language iv llearned from a favourate character that iv learned to  associate with a particular emotion from my childhood and teenage years or even recently  due to not understanding what it means  regardless of weather it is or not for instance cause i copy my favourate characters how they speak and what they say and there body language and implement it into sociial interaction i have offline when im with people but it happens on a sub concious level. this is also part of my autism its a way of naviagtiing life and social interactions with others. 

all these things are part of the way i am. when it comes to raising voices if  I raise my voice or sound a particular way or look a particular way and how i respond to her or anything that she likes to call challnageing to deal with she gets advice for these things from the in correct people which means she doesnt know how to deal with me when it comes to these things and so when she reaches a certain point she  turns  to people who dont know how to deal with autism like my aunty or uncle who has children who are non autistic or advice from Rickies parents that punish him for his behavior challanges who she is no longer in contact with. 

i think its mainly the fact she didnt have the right people to go to advice or the right people to educate her  is partialy why she still has certain ways of thinking that are not acurate about autism and only draws on old infomation or uses terms that could be misleading.  

the memory card was ok  and convenient its phones that can be an issue. 

to answer your question il tell you abit more about my family when i come back cause i need to o out quickly but i have both an english and greek family. 

It is good that you are educating your family about correct use of terms and how sometimes they can be hurtful if always negative. Is he your biological father? I think your mum was just frustrated be she knew a way to solve the problem and she was worried about the time. It was probably difficult for her too.

Memory on phone and cards can be such a pain when it's running out. I'm glad that the sat nav eventually worked and that you got there. Many years ago when I used to use a proper camera (an early digital one), I had so many memory cards because they couldn't hold as much.

What a surprise to be on the water! Did you get a picture that shows how your accommodation was positioned? I can't picture it in my mind.

I knew that your family had other dogs. Was Wilbur not with you this time?

cause i dont like leaving details out of storys something that i meant to add as part of the story my family did drive there.  I got dropped off and we got ready to leave when they got in the car to get the sat nav ready and Dad took forever cause his phone kept telling him the wrong amount of space on his phone and once room is made would then later tell him it is full when he hasnt added any exstra space which is the same problom i have with mine. for me though it has afected contact with my other family cause it wont install whats app due to the problom but for Dad its the sat nav and the data on it that its impacting causeing him fustration so Dad was very fustraited Mum said hers works and offered to do hers but Dad said no cause he has to do his and not hers cause he knows how to do it and kept trying to persuade him but he kept saying no cause he can only use his cause he doesnt know how it works even though Mum could help and do it instead we were sat in the car so long Mum got inpatient and said right im going to put this up here otherwise we are never going to get to the cabin by 2 and we will be late and was about to put it up  but Dad then got more fustraited and took it off then he eventualy got it working and put it up. Dad wasnt born with autism and nor has he been diagnosed however at that moment in fustration and dis belief she said in the middle of shaking her head and sighing you have autism and so  made it sound like autism is a negative thing even though it isnt  

I have heard Mum say things like your a little autistic to my brother or pretty much anybody including things like your a little ocd and i know that some neurotypicals can use terms related to disabilitys in ways that  can be misleading so im ususaly  very quick to  bring them up on it as i do if they  says things that I know to be are un acurate or misleading and it has been used for real in correctly on lots of ocasions which is why I do that so I  do have to put up with people in the house useing mis leading terms sometimes 

so I was very quick to bring her up on it when she said that  so I asked Mum why she said hes autistic and she said cause hes narrow minded and he cant think for himself he allways needs me to prompt him amoung other things and didnt say any traits she considers a  positive aswell as. 

 I told her that haveing similar traits to autism like other disorders it doesnt nesacerilly mean you are born with it but  doesnt mean arnt born with it either anyone can be narrow minded amoung other traits that  you may or may not interpret, think  or view to be similar to autism

but she calls him all sorts of things including narsisistic theres no fixed name it can be absoloutly anything at all and there usualy all a wide  variety of names and terms related to those some that can be ofensive if put a certain way  but has also called him names not associated with disabilitys aswell though

shes not the only one that does this though and cause autism amoung others  do have  stigma attached  and phrases that can be used in a  misleading way   atached It does get my atention since she has a tendancy to do this and makes me very uncomfortable she doesnt undertsand how certain terms that can apear seemingly harmless can actualy turn out to  be steriotypes or even misleading terms so i try to get her to understand it she doesnt use them all the time though thankfuly.  that was a big bother before setting off but the rest of the drive evrything was fine. 

the drive took a couple of hours as previously but we did stop at service stations. ziggy was with me in the back  cause him and Alphie dont like being next to each other. auto correct corrected me and said bag but anyway I normaly see wildlife at service stations so i sometimes use my camara but we mainly stayed in the car. I was mainly eating or on my laptop or something I usualy have stuff to do on the journey as soon as we arived Mum told me it is on the water and that made me curious. we went inside and put our stuff down and i imedietly when outside and looked at the pond. 

now later I put my memory card in my laptop and guess what happend a bird apeared or a duck this happened every day in a very timely way as if they knew when i was going to put my memory card in my laptop so i literaly kept having to take it out, take pictures and put it back in. I did get a breack at one point and succesfuly transfer the photos from that day though.

I also went for a walk with the dogs and then went somewhere else but that is in the next part 

I mainly transfer them to my photos app but I do back them up sometimes. I have managed to convert my photos for the next part to gb to send on the forum and the wifi has been stable  so far now but only so far though 

WiFi can be such a pain when it goes.

Do you back up your photos too? If not, it's worth getting a little portable drive to back up to. I have a bad experience of losing photos, and have backups now.

im going to try and get as much of it done as i can for now while the wifi is staying on longer than 5 minutes which is a first for the wifis average duration today. cause i want to get it done today and i dont know when its going to go off again

sorry about the hours long gap between the posting  wifi has been really bad and the photos are only on my laptop. I prefer to transfer things to my laptop cause it has more storage space rather than my devices.   I was in the middle of doing the post  underneath  when the wifi suddenly went off when i pressed send so had to wait until later for the wifi to come back on then it worked and so it sent thankfuly. now iv had to do the same thing again and while iv been doing the next part  of the post the wifi has suddenly gone off again but now its back on. 

I love the duck close ups!

I can imagine tricks in the water - but what tricks do you do in the washing up bowl? I'm really intrigued!

I love the crashing of waves. There is no other sound like it.

it was. I havnt been to one that is literaly in the water before  

Zo said:

belive it or not the ccabin is lteraly ontop of the surface of the water in other words in it but not entirely submerged. 

That sounds wonderful.

belive it or not the ccabin is lteraly ontop of the surface of the water in other words in it but not entirely submerged. 

the other half  the entrance you go into the cabin  is on the ground while the middle is stood up on the surface and the balcony so the legs are grounded on the floor under the surface of the water so it is built literaly in the pond and not just looking over it. theres no ground if you look over the balcony just water this is the case from right to left the only way out of the cabin is the top upstairs. 

I have a thing about water I love water. i love going in the sea,

i like ponds, i like the hot tub cause i like doing tricks in the water same with baths 

im not as keen on swimming pools and also like doing tricks in washing up bowls when washing up

and i also live rivers and streams. i basicaly get hypmotised by the patterns I prefer beaches ponds and hot tubs 

overall i basically i like water alot as you can tell. I like all the patterns and reflections in water 

and if im ever in water i love doing water tricks. i couldnt go in the pond and most ponds i cant but

i find them hypnotic as times not just the sound but other things when i looked into the pond with my long lens 

to see if I could see the ducks I saw the movement and patterns being made by the ducks and possibly 

other creatures under the water aswell as droplets from trees