Scared, lonely and depressed

I also believe most people don't like me and make fun of me behind my back. I have also been labeled as paranoid and find myself isolating myself :( 

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's something i experience regularly and I wish I could somehow make it better.

I want to assure you that there are people who care about you and want to help you get through this. We're all here for you. We're all in this together. 

Keep your chin up and vent when you need to. 

X

Yes, thank you!

Hello Roswell, I’m really sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment. I can understand (from all you’ve written here) why you’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it’s hard to see even a glimmer of light and hope at times like that. 
over the past 2 and half years myself and my family have also been through some incredibly dark times, and at times I felt I wouldn’t get through, and my son (who is also autistic) has felt in a similarly desperate mental state at times. We’ve both sometimes lost all hope that we could ever feel ok again - let alone actually feel happy.

Obviously we are all different, and every situation is different. But I just wanted to say to you that the saying ‘the darkest night comes just before the dawn’ is often true. Things CAN change, things CAN get better. 
I notice that one of the replies to your post mentions Mindfulness. There are many books etc on Mindfulness - but what really helped me so much was learning about a Buddhist monk who is often described as  ‘the father of mindfulness’ - his name is Thich Nhat Hanh. He founded a Monastery called ‘Plum Village’ - and they have a YouTube channel full of talks and wonderful ideas and practices to help people develop a sense of peace and happiness. Lots of books too, a podcast etc - the Plum Village website has lots of information. 

it might not be for you but I mention it because it has really turned things round majorly for me, and I know it’s helped so many people in myriad ways. I feel confident it couldn’t do any one any harm to listen to these kind, compassionate and intelligent people - it’s brought me so much hope, peace and it just so interesting to learn about. But as I say - it might not be your sort of thing at all - I quite understand that some people might not be interested in Buddhism at all - fair enough

Either way I just wanted to wish you well, and encourage you not to give up hope, because the only certain thing in life is that nothing lasts forever - and even if you do nothing something is likely to change at some point - and hopefully for the better. 

They give me one hour a week at the moment with a social worker, this is years after it was identified I needed at least 14 hours a week one-to-one support and after I was determined eligible to be put in supported accommodation for mentally ill people where staff were there 9-5 on weekdays. I don't want to burden people here with my problems but I don't know where to go. I feel the NHS and social services mostly don't listen to me and talk at me. I am struggling to cope with my father's dementia and my half-sister has cancer and my mum believes she will die soon, and my mother is stressed about my father, me and my sister, the whole thing is a mess. I'm in love with a woman who worked at the supported accommodation I lived in and she won't speak to me and that is the only reason I see to carry on living because I've loved her over a year and it doesn't matter how many times people disagree with my perspective, I do not fall in love with women who are not professionals. I believe it is my soul's purpose. From the social care assessment:

****** is constantly misinterpreting non verbal communication this leads him to
think everyone dislikes him. Because ******'s expression doesn't change most people he
speaks with including professionals don't pick up on the extent of ******'s struggles which
causes ***** to revert into himself more and more and to become increasingly paranoid
about whoever he's speaking to, believing that they hate him. This paranoia usually persists after the conversation.

***** has difficulties in all aspects of his daily life and experiences severe anxiety especially when
dealing with people and places with other people in them e.g. ****** experiences severe
anxiety about knocking on the office door and going in to speak to staff at his supported
accommodation. ****** also experiences severe anxiety about walking through communal
areas every time he comes and goes from his flat. Due to his Autism, ****** finds it
extremely hard to go to places he has not previously visited without experiencing
overwhelming anxiety, and he is unable to approach anybody to ask for help.
Due to his Autism, ****** struggles to cope with any changes in his daily routine, this adds
to his anxiety. ****** finds it difficult to engage with people without prior notice of the
interaction. Even with prior notice ****** needs ongoing support of people trained in Autism
to communicate effectively.
Due to his Autism, ****** experiences high anxiety levels whenever he is interacting with
others and also takes what is said to him very literally. The combination of ******'s high
anxiety levels and taking things literally when interacting with others means that he has
difficulty fully comprehending what people are saying to him, and ****** is unaware that he
hasn't fully understood or has misunderstood. Consequently, ****** often agrees with what
is being asked of him or said to him without realising the full meaning of what he is saying

Going about in public is a constant challenge for ***** for example ****** is not
able to sit and face others when he uses public transport because facing people in an
enclosed space causes ****** to have panic attacks. ****** cannot cope with the social
interactions he experiences in a shop on his own. This is due to ******'s autism e.g.
difficulty reading facial expressions and also due to his paranoia; in shops ****** feels that
people are staring at him and hate him, this can often lead to ****** having a panic attack.'

From a social care assessment done about me by a social worker:

******'s inability to transfer knowledge causes him to be vulnerable to abuse e.g. giving
people money when asked even after being advised this wasn't a good idea when asked for
money previously. This also leaves ****** vulnerable to not understanding social rules
when he develops romantic feelings for others, and a lack of understanding of boundaries
with professionals he feels he is in love with, or how his words and actions may affect others.

I have high care needs and am literally struggling to use this computer right now. My father has dementia and I cannot call the Samaritans because he'll hear it and he gets upset if he hears anyone express anything about depression so I have to keep it all inside. 

Roswell said:

I'm not convinced anyone cares about anyone or anything.

I care deeply about some people, various entities and some things.  You know this about me, if nothing else.

I have a genuine default setting of "care for all".......except arsehats, and things that are about as useful as a hat for one's arrse.

As always, I hope that, despite all the reported troubles in your head and heart, and UNDOUBTEDLY within the world at large, that you are existentially OK. 

Chin up dude.  Same sheet everywhere.....just a different evening!

Roswell said:

I'm not convinced anyone cares about anyone or anything.

Have you tried mindfulness?

This will help you ask questions like:

Why should people care?

Should they care about everyone or just some people? Who are deserving? Do they want to be cared about?

I tried this once and realised it was pointless to worry about.

My conclusion was that you can't make people care about anything - that would be violating their autonomy so it is a respectful thing to let them do their thing.

However, you can get people to care about YOU by being a good friend / family member and showing respect and consideration to them.

You can get friends by learning to overcome your lack of knowledge of social rules / small talk techniques and interacting as a neurotypical on occasion - this does come at a price so is best paced.

Understanding your autism and your own mind also help tremendously and a therapist is a great way to start this process then books etc to expand your learning on the subject.

In essence I found that stopping worrying about it, shifting my efforts to doing something about it and changing my mindset allowed me to have my fill of "normality" largely on my own terms. I can be as authentic as I want in my own time and amongst those who I know are accepting of my traits.

That's the problem with depression.

When those ominous black clouds are above our heads, it's hard to see the positives.

There are people who care, but when we're feeling depressed we're not always able to see and appreciate it.