Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently I had a conversation with my sister, our topic wandered somehow on the mental health conditions. She said something that shocked me so I decided I have to correct her. She said, that autistic people don’t have any need to connect to anyone. I told her, it’s not true. There is another disorder that apparently makes people not desire to form relationships, it’s called schozoid personality disorder, but autistic people do need to connect, but often have no capacity and struggle socially. Autists also may and often feel lonely. She was shocked, she asked me where I know this from. Then I told her, that according to my last therapist I myself am autistic. She was shocked, she said no way! “You can’t be autistic because autistic people don’t have friends or maximum one friend!” Then I started laughing and I asked her if she knows how many friends do I have. There was silence and she finally answered - one! Of course you can be autistic and have some more friends, especially if they themselves are autistic. And not everyone who has only one friend or no friends is automatically autistic for only this reason. She also mentioned that 10 years ago I was at a party, it was organised by the company I worked. And I enjoyed it because it was outdoors and there were activities such as bowling and table tennis, not only beer and sitting and chatting. According to my sister if I was autistic, I wouldn’t be able to go there. So my whole life I heard “you weirdo, go to some party, meet some people, make some friends, stop sitting alone” but when I actually went to some party, I hear that I can’t be autistic because I went there. It’s also fascinating phenomenon, that when I got diagnosed (misdiagnosed) with Tourette, everyone happily agreed that I have Tourette and I was forced awful meds, and I couldn’t get rid of being told I have Tourette even when it was proven to be wrong. Same with depression. But autism?! No no! You can’t be autistic! I’m interested if anyone else heard similar answer from their family. You can’t be autistic because you are too intelligent for example etc. Initially it was my message to other user of this forum, but I decided to make it a post.
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what that is like. I feel like all the stuff you say about how your are different is actually secondary to what you'd feel from your family's acceptance. I didn't get diagnosed until 10 years after my mum's death so I don't actually know what her reaction would be but she was always very supportive of me. My dad was not around and then died a month before my mum. (I'm 50+ - this isn't as bad as it sounds) but I got a bit of closure by realizing that he was probably so crap because he was likely autistic and had no idea how to cope. I hope that you at least get some validation here however small it is compared to what you family is not giving you.
I'm sorry you had to hear that, I know how frustrating it can be. I've had it too and hear "you don't look autistic" way more than I should. Here at least you will always be understood and accepted.
If I heard that we all are a little bit autistic… Then I would happily reply to them: ok, tell me all of you, how many times in your life you heard that you are weirdos, obsessed, nerds, and how much you struggle socially. When I hear such answers or that we are all a bit different, I know that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Of course everyone is different, we are not an army of clones, but to be different to the point that you don’t fit in and get isolated and don’t belong to any peer group is a totally different level. I even remember my mom always used to say, when I was a child, that I’m an “outsider”- always outside of the group. According to her it was not a problem at all, for me it was painful and I hated that. I have reasons to suspect that she knows all along about my condition but is in denial because it would hurt her ego. She wouldn’t be able to accept having a “defective” daughter.
It must be so crap when your own family members don't believe you. I had the "we are all a little bit on the spectrum" within 12 hours of my diagnosis from a cousin. (We should have bingo card with that in the center ) but at least they were well meaning.
Yes. It’s not that I can’t socialise at all, doing activities together is ok, this topic was also really well shown by the creator of the channel “autism from the inside”. It was a topic, how to differentiate autism from trauma, the overlap of symptoms and what’s left if the person is autistic and trauma is manageable. Micalleff said, that healthy autistic person socialises on their own rules - through activities. Like tennis or hiking or bike riding or anything else that is an interest. Because this set up does not require much talking. Whenever it was a party that included only drinking alcohol and chatting I in most cases skipped that or only sometimes showed up for short and disappeared unnoticed because it was unbearable for me. Especially in a pub or club with loud music and other noises, flickering lights and smells. But I was ashamed to confess at home that I left the party very quickly, and went for a long walk to enjoy the fresh air. So my family thought that I enjoyed the party and stayed long. The good think of that was that back then I stopped hearing “you weirdo…” the bad think is that now I hear: “you can’t be autistic!”
I’m sorry to hear you had to experience the initial issues with the bullying but I’m really happy to hear it was sorted out and actually a friendship has been formed. Its refreshing to hear
Alienatedhuman said:enjoyed it because it was outdoors and there were activities such as bowling and table tennis, not only beer and sitting and chatting.
Socialising with a purpose is much easier
I was raised to believe that we are all sinners in need of God’s Mercy, Love, Forgiveness and Compassion, created in God’s Image and that development of a personal relationship with God is the answer to many of our problems - our grandparents (and no one else) would always challenge us in a spirit of Christian Charity and Love, on our every action and attitude that we had as children, asking us the the question “what will this lead to”? and “where will this lead to”?
lack of education aside, it also comes from a refusal to understand even the most basic concepts and betrays a total lack of common sense which most people today simply do not have
It works the same way, when some family members try to push someone towards an autism diagnosis because to them, it is seen as (somehow) “fashionable” to do so and/or to silence a person that they consider as being “too vocal” or “not knowing thier place” - before the concept of mental health issues was even a thing, in the Medieval period, in any little village, the only person to discuss such issues was the local Catholic Parish Priest and perhaps this should be a person’s first port of call, perhaps we need to go back to those times, connecting with the eternal truths of the Catholic faith
I don't have much family to comment, but I have had this sort of remark from others, I seem to normal, whatever that means. You can't be autistic because you don't get on with tech, you go out everyday, and can run a house and talk to people. I've been told I must of conned someone into giving me that diagnosis and it's a load of rubbish I'm using to claim benefits.
I don't really have any friends, I have some close acquaintances, but I think they're trying to distance themselves from me, probably for some offence I don't know I've comitted, the other person I'm friends with I only speak to via email. I find it difficult to make friends and keeping them even harder, I find myself torn between near melt down after every meeting or feeling everythings OK and it's the opposite.
In my case I told my husband because he asked what the therapist said and he constantly repeated that I have weird behaviors (stimming) and why I’m so weird especially when our daughter came to this world (sensory sensitivities and overwhelm). So here is the explanation. It also took him some time to somehow accept or understand it, but looks like now it’s better. I also told my manager at work because of some situations with bullying but the bully had no idea I’m an aspie. Since he knows he stopped bullying me and he turned out to be a really good colleague. And he is not questioning or saying “you don’t look autistic”. He himself has some mental health issues and ND, so he understands me much better than NTs. But I know that there I do t have to hide, mask, worry, pretend or be ashamed of who I am.
Is so common unfortunately, and it’s mainly due to lack of education. I had a therapist say they don't “see me” as autistic because I had a job, and then went into say that I must be on the lower end of the spectrum where everyone else “probably” is. I wanted to educate her and say the first person ever diagnosed autistic, actually worked as a banker. But I didn’t want to embarrass her lol.
I think it’s really good and brave that you had that conversation with your sister, and that you rightly challenged her. For me, none of my family know I’ve been diagnosed because I think they would dismiss me and make me feel bad about myself. Some of that might be down to bad thinking on my part, but also my family aren’t supportive in the slightest… so I doubt I’m going to tell them as it makes me too anxious for their response.
Paige said:it made interesting reading.
That's good to hear.
I made this thread (I am the deleted user) and you might find it also of interest:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/34427/library-of-threads/367804#367804
Thank you for posting the link to your own thread. I was able to relate to a lot of other members and it made interesting reading. ️
It's truly sad when misconceptions and stereotypes about autism lead to misunderstandings and disbelief, even among our own family members.
Your experience highlights the importance of raising awareness and understanding about ASD as so many people view ASD this way. It's not about intelligence or the number of friends someone has—it's about the unique ways in which individuals on the spectrum experience the world and navigate social interactions. Your journey of self-discovery and your willingness to challenge these misconceptions are so inspiring. I've heard similar things from my own family, my step mum for instance doesn't really believe in ASD, she thinks because I can go out and sometimes talk. But she doesn't understand, she doesn't see how these things affect me. If she could spend a minute in my mind she would understand.
I'm so sorry to read that you were treated for something you didn't have. Thankfully this hasn't happened to me personally but I've read that a lot of autistic people are misdiagnosed. So sad. Hopefully the more awareness raised and the better understood ASD becomes hopefully the misdiagnosis's will occur less.
Thank you for sharing your story—it's a powerful reminder of the need for empathy and education with ASD.
I did reply with a really good post but it got flagged for putting your name in it.... My points in a list:
I hope you find a result to all your challenges. Take care.
Yes, I wrote about this here:
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/37259/others-denying-your-autism-imposter-syndrome
I think masking is quite a big issue for us actually.
Even my autistic friend didn't think I was autistic until a couple of years ago - he can see it now though.
People's views (especially the older generations) are still entrenched in the 20th Century view of autism.
These sort of comments do knock us so I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you