Others denying your autism/imposter syndrome

A big thank you for these replies.

I'm enjoying them all and they are really helping me.

This is the best place.

Yes! Exactly the “not looking autistic” is a result of hard and exhausting work of the person affected. High functioning autism affects the person experiencing it highly, while others around - mildly. But many people have no idea about it. No empathy either. 

Why dont you tell that family member they look autistic to you? Everyone has their moments, exaggerate a couple examples and tell them they have one or the other trait.

And when they react, or try to say whatever, tell them to pay and have an ADOS-2 test to prove they are not, and since their wallet is open, to gift one for your sister.

Thats is shocking. They either say we are broken or not autistics. Put us in a void between their opinion made from "denial" juice or simply activate the neurotypical BS, and a fact we live by every moment of our life.

Ignore them. But do tell them to pay for two tests or they should shut up.

You mask so well that she doesn't think you're autistic! She doesn't think that people who are autistic will ever have the wherewithal to figure out how to mask, just to get by in the world. There are many independent people who are autistic, who were diagnosed later in life, not because the autism just suddenly appeared to them one day, but because they've always had it and never knew what it was.

I think it could be called "ableist", it's  to deny someone's struggles and suggest their disability "isn't" (that's a term I heard used in a psychoeducation session to describe a similar scenario)

It's a massive trigger to anyone "high functioning" to be told they're not autistic or don't appear to be, because that term in itself isn't accurate, it sounds like a superpower , but the higher we "function" (appear to cope) the more stress we are bottling up and enduring resulting in a burnout.

Hi Debbie

How frustrating for you! When you said you "tried to explain about masking without hitting her" I really empathised with the anger you were feeling.

I had imposter syndrome when I first realised I was autistic. I was very nervous the first time I came on here, as I didn't have a "formal" diagnosis, and wasn't sure if I wanted one, but I was accepted and supported and felt that I had found my kin. We know ourselves better than anyone else.

I have had people say they wouldn't have guessed I was autistic, and I have been told "we're all different" or " everyone probably has some autistic traits". These were said by kind, well meaning people who don't understand that intelligent people can be autistic, who don't have any knowledge of autistic masking, and were trying to be inclusive.

I believe that it can be difficult for neurotypical people to understand that autistic people are more interested in facts than in being made to feel that they are the same as everyone else. It's just how NT brains work - feeling you are the same as others is often paramount to making them feel comfortable.

I’ve had family members say similar things, I tried to explain how autism affects me to my sister, her reply was that she works with autistic children and doesn’t see how I’m like them. You can guess my answer. I used to let their comments upset me, now I just don’t engage with them anymore. There was a different post a few days ago about how autistic people shouldn’t compare themselves to each other. We are all different, I think of a pallet of water colours, the tin trays we had as children. My autistic identity or make up could be four colours, yours could be four different colours or two of mine and five of your own, the combinations are enormous.

TheCatWoman said:

Some people need to wind their necks in and your relative is one of them

I couldn't agree more 

TheCatWoman said:

as autism being recognised in women and girls is quite a recent thing, espcially how differently women express autism, I don't see how your relatives experience with children is relevant

I agree, with this and all that you say - thanks.

TheCatWoman said:

I hate the term High Functioning, because whilst I might be able to do somethings well and can get by in everyday life, there are other things that I can't do, send me into meltdown and where I cannot get by with

This has come up before in discussion and when I use the term now I use it with inverted commas.

The context of the term of course is within autism - we aren't 'high functioning' in society but higher 'functioning' than some other autistic people.

It's the spiky profile thing you are talking about I think.

I like a portmanteau

Some people need to wind their necks in and your relative is one of them, as autism being recognised in women and girls is quite a recent thing, espcially how differently women express autism, I don't see how your relatives experience with children is relevant. Maybe she has experience of children who suffer badly with autism and have other conditions too, but that does not invaliate you or your sister's experience or diagnosis. What's in it for psychologists and others to over diagnose or ignore the obvious? Underdiagnosis has been the case for such a long time, I'm sure there are some bad apples among those who diagnose autism just as there are in any profession. It sounds to me as if you relative has what I've termed diagnosis envy, where neurotypicals want what they see as the attention given to those with a diagnosis of something, autism or anything really. I agree that you were being gaslit.

I do get imposter syndrome, probably because I'm "high functioning", so on the surface I seem "normal". I hate the term High Functioning, because whilst I might be able to do somethings well and can get by in everyday life, there are other things that I can't do, send me into meltdown and where I cannot get by with. I feel it sometimes on here, so many people seem to be so much "worse" than me, that I sometimes feel fraudulent

out_of_step said:

an invalimine cancels everything out.

It invalidates the undermine

I think, an invalimine cancels everything out.

It invalidates the undermine.

out_of_step said:

Invalimine

You just made that up.

That's not allowed!

Invalimine

Roy said:

Gaslighting 

I think that's it .... thank you ....

Gaslighting 

“It's making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they're seeing or experiencing isn't real, that they're making it up, that no one else will believe them.” Gaslighting involves an imbalance of power between the abuser and the person they're gaslighting.

out_of_step said:

Is it undermine?

FH ❄️ said:

Discredit?

Lol.

Not really autistic, are we!

I will go with 'invalidate'.

Thank you for your combined brain power

Discredit?

Is it undermine?

Thank you all for your replies.

out_of_step said:

Invalidating

That's almost it, thanks.

Amerantin said:

How old is the family member you mention?

Mid 40s.

Amerantin said:

The younger folks that i work with (in their 20s) seem much more accepting of difference than previous generations.

Absolutely.

I'd better not quote any more or I will be thrown into the spam bin.