Published on 12, July, 2020
Recently I had a conversation with my sister, our topic wandered somehow on the mental health conditions. She said something that shocked me so I decided I have to correct her. She said, that autistic people don’t have any need to connect to anyone. I told her, it’s not true. There is another disorder that apparently makes people not desire to form relationships, it’s called schozoid personality disorder, but autistic people do need to connect, but often have no capacity and struggle socially. Autists also may and often feel lonely. She was shocked, she asked me where I know this from. Then I told her, that according to my last therapist I myself am autistic. She was shocked, she said no way! “You can’t be autistic because autistic people don’t have friends or maximum one friend!” Then I started laughing and I asked her if she knows how many friends do I have. There was silence and she finally answered - one! Of course you can be autistic and have some more friends, especially if they themselves are autistic. And not everyone who has only one friend or no friends is automatically autistic for only this reason. She also mentioned that 10 years ago I was at a party, it was organised by the company I worked. And I enjoyed it because it was outdoors and there were activities such as bowling and table tennis, not only beer and sitting and chatting. According to my sister if I was autistic, I wouldn’t be able to go there. So my whole life I heard “you weirdo, go to some party, meet some people, make some friends, stop sitting alone” but when I actually went to some party, I hear that I can’t be autistic because I went there. It’s also fascinating phenomenon, that when I got diagnosed (misdiagnosed) with Tourette, everyone happily agreed that I have Tourette and I was forced awful meds, and I couldn’t get rid of being told I have Tourette even when it was proven to be wrong. Same with depression. But autism?! No no! You can’t be autistic! I’m interested if anyone else heard similar answer from their family. You can’t be autistic because you are too intelligent for example etc. Initially it was my message to other user of this forum, but I decided to make it a post.
It must be so crap when your own family members don't believe you. I had the "we are all a little bit on the spectrum" within 12 hours of my diagnosis from a cousin. (We should have bingo card with that in the center ) but at least they were well meaning.
If I heard that we all are a little bit autistic… Then I would happily reply to them: ok, tell me all of you, how many times in your life you heard that you are weirdos, obsessed, nerds, and how much you struggle socially. When I hear such answers or that we are all a bit different, I know that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Of course everyone is different, we are not an army of clones, but to be different to the point that you don’t fit in and get isolated and don’t belong to any peer group is a totally different level. I even remember my mom always used to say, when I was a child, that I’m an “outsider”- always outside of the group. According to her it was not a problem at all, for me it was painful and I hated that. I have reasons to suspect that she knows all along about my condition but is in denial because it would hurt her ego. She wouldn’t be able to accept having a “defective” daughter.
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what that is like. I feel like all the stuff you say about how your are different is actually secondary to what you'd feel from your family's acceptance. I didn't get diagnosed until 10 years after my mum's death so I don't actually know what her reaction would be but she was always very supportive of me. My dad was not around and then died a month before my mum. (I'm 50+ - this isn't as bad as it sounds) but I got a bit of closure by realizing that he was probably so crap because he was likely autistic and had no idea how to cope. I hope that you at least get some validation here however small it is compared to what you family is not giving you.