How do I know if I’m masking?

Very very interesting! I do 1 and 2 all of the time too!

I'm new here too. I'm in my 50s and was diagnosed only a couple of years ago. I've spent my whole life masking. I'm a veritable chameleon. When I was in my teens I started to try different things to see what I liked so I could learn who I was. Even today,  the only person with whom  I can truly be myself is my husband. I'm at peace with that. I do realise how exhausting it is for others but try and take time out for you and see what you like. 

I'm glad you have that therapy where you can drop the mask. The only place I can really be myself is in my room, it's the only time I can be myself without fear.

I don't generally know when I'm masking but I know if I've been masking because afterwards at the end of the day I am utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. I need to rest, recharge the batteries, to recover and if I don't then I end up burning out. 

I really need to start recognising when I'm masking but it's something I really struggle with. There's always so much to process and think about. It's difficult.

Maybe that's the key, you've made me think of something pretty profound there..

Perhaps if we see it that there are 3 types of masking (maybe more) most are the same method but the motive is the difference,

1. Masking to avoid being left out, pushed out, feeling awkward etc. which is purely self preservation.

2. Masking to make other people happy because we are scared our real response might be too harsh or upsetting, which is selfless in a way.

3. Masking for personal gain, which would be the sly devious type, which I don't think any of us do, but there are people in the world that do.

1 we shouldn't ever feel bad about doing, 2 we should think about doing less as we can end up being over passive and vulnerable to manipulation, 3 just isn't nice.

I do 1 and 2 all the time.

i think everyone masks, even neurotypicals... every single person in the world has many layers and puts on a different face for different people.

more common in men and obvious spot based on the societal idea men are not allowed to have feelings and have to be a stone wall dead robot and never show feelings. every single man is pretty much like that and has that mask... plus then theres your own different face for people based on how comfortable you are with them... i actually think masking is a normal human thing everyone does and not really a autistic thing

I have felt exactly the same about being sly and devious but then I realised isn't anything I'm gaining apart from survival. 

I quite like that idea of thinking of it as part of me, that perspective makes it feel a little different to be honest. 

I do feel paranoid at times about masking making me feel devious or sly, maybe even manipulative. I suppose everyone does it, NT people will often hide their true intentions, maybe for different reasons.

I am in a similar position to you in my early 30s, a women and waiting for a diagnosis. I didn't realise I was masking until a couple of years ago. I struggled a lot with mental health especially anxiety around keeping everyone happy. I unpicked my anxiety and with a lot of research and knowledge of working in SEND I started to realise that I have been masking my entire life. I think it got to a point when I had more responsibilities as an adult which result in meltdowns. The pandemic didn't help as it was a sudden change that felt very scary. I started to question do I know myself? Has my whole life been a dream or not real?

I have realised that if I didn't take the path I did and has the past I had then I wouldn't be where I am today. We are amongst the missed generations of missed diagnosis which sucks but for me even when or if I get my diagnosis I feel like I'd still mask. At home I definitely stim and I have come to terms with the fact that I almost have two sides to me the one that masks at work and takes deep breaths in the toilet when it's all a bit much and the home version of me the inner child with autism that was once me and I have now found, being able to stim and process in my time.

Don't think of masking as the fake me masking or camouflaging is just apart of you not all of you. Think as a positive, now you have identified it just know its a coping strategy. When at home do whatever makes you feel safe and happy that will really  help. 

Just remember no one but you knows how you feel and there are many women out there in similar positions.

Take care x

I don’t think I find masking tiring. However, I don’t actually know as I don’t know how it feels not to mask. 

Im new to this site it was suggested to me by my therapist to join and talk to people like my self. I haven't been officially  diagnosed yet but have been referred. 

When I'm in therapy I find that I unmask more when I am there as they understand me more. 

I think masking tends to be around anyone save for people really close to them, and includes altering near every aspect of themselves, from their mannerisms to their beliefs. From what i have heard others describe it tends to be fairly obvious when you are masking because you actively feel like you cant be yourself, have to be someone else, or are suppressing urges like stimming.

It becomes an issue for people who never get to unmask. At least for me when I'm what i would call masking, i have like 50% of my thoughts dedicated to planning mannerisms and tone inflection, but when I'm around people I trust, or am otherwise comfortable in a social setting I don't think about anything other than whatever the convo is about. I've noticed as well after a lot of masking it generally leaves me feeling utterly exhausted, and then I need to rest to recover. It feels like I've had the flu when it gets like this.

If masking is not distressing you, you do not need to stop. Personally, I think my masking is as much a part of me as my autism. It is automatic, I know what is necessary to fit in with societal expectations and just do it, I could not dissect it out of my behaviour if I tried.

It's a long time ago but I remember school being tough. I was masking but wasn't aware that's what it was, or that I was autistic. I figured that out many years later.

I do remember it being extremely hard at school but once I left it got a bit easier. Work life wasnt great at first but eventually I started to understand myself more and that helped.

Like you say there's always an element of masking required, just be sure the effort it costs is worth it, don't waste time with the wrong crowd etc. save it for times that matter. Spending time with yourself is also good, if you don't withdraw too much. Back in the 80s a commodore 64 was my best friend for 70 percent the time I wasn't in school.

There's lots of us out there and there's also other neuro types that have similar issues, even some NTs that have social anxiety that will relate. you'll eventually find people that you are more yourself around. At school everyone seems to be to the extreme, mostly because I bet they're masking and compensating too!

Just make sure you put your own wellbeing first as much as you can.

I don't really know how I know if I'm masking. Usually I feel like I have been if I'm totally exhausted after going out and having to be social. Usually that leaves me with no energy and a wreck until I can sleep and then I think I've probably been masking.

It sucks to have to mask to fit in but it's so necessary for me otherwise at school its complete judgement and bullying. The real me can only really surface when I'm in my comfort zone in my room.

I read a comment somewhere recently from an autistic person,  who said they didn't have "one mask" , but they  go into every different situation working out "who or what they need to be to get through it" so much so that they kind of lost their true self somewhere. It totally described how I've been, Essentially trying to be what everyone wanted or needed or would "accept " for fear of rejection or ridicule....

I completely resonate with this. And not sure if this applies to you too, but I have so many “different masks”. So I’m not sure whether one is the real me as such or whether they’re all masks and I haven’t yet found the real me. 

I totally get what your saying here, I'm almost 50 and only recently diagnosed, but I can say for certain I've been masking so much since I was a kid and I somehow realised I needed to fake it to fit in, that I can honestly say I barely know how not to , even when I'm alone.

I now know I need to reduce this as it's to our detriment, all that extra stress and thought processing isn't good. But I'm not entirely sure how, I've spent all this time trying to fit in and it's been fairly successful, unmasking seems risky and likely to put me back on the fringes.

Hopefully therapy and education will help, it has done so far for me with many other factors, so maybe that's the answer.

It's an interesting question and there's no easy answer.

I guess for me: the closest I ever get to unmasking is in therapy, because I know that my therapist is not judging me and is welcoming (and also autistic). If I can be a bit silly, chaotic and 'unhinged', it's often a sign that something is working. Provided it's within the confines of what's appropriate, of course.