Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m a woman in my 30s and haven’t yet been diagnosed, and only recently familiar with masking and what it is. The problem is, I feel I have been masking my entire life and now don’t know what I am masking and what is the real me. Any tips on how to work out what I am masking and what is the real me?
I score just over the threshold on the RAADS-R test and the AQ50. However score very high on a masking/camouflaging test. It also makes me wonder, am I actually autistic or am I looking for answers that aren’t there?
I am in a similar position to you in my early 30s, a women and waiting for a diagnosis. I didn't realise I was masking until a couple of years ago. I struggled a lot with mental health especially anxiety around keeping everyone happy. I unpicked my anxiety and with a lot of research and knowledge of working in SEND I started to realise that I have been masking my entire life. I think it got to a point when I had more responsibilities as an adult which result in meltdowns. The pandemic didn't help as it was a sudden change that felt very scary. I started to question do I know myself? Has my whole life been a dream or not real?
I have realised that if I didn't take the path I did and has the past I had then I wouldn't be where I am today. We are amongst the missed generations of missed diagnosis which sucks but for me even when or if I get my diagnosis I feel like I'd still mask. At home I definitely stim and I have come to terms with the fact that I almost have two sides to me the one that masks at work and takes deep breaths in the toilet when it's all a bit much and the home version of me the inner child with autism that was once me and I have now found, being able to stim and process in my time.
Don't think of masking as the fake me masking or camouflaging is just apart of you not all of you. Think as a positive, now you have identified it just know its a coping strategy. When at home do whatever makes you feel safe and happy that will really help.
Just remember no one but you knows how you feel and there are many women out there in similar positions.
Take care x
I quite like that idea of thinking of it as part of me, that perspective makes it feel a little different to be honest.
I do feel paranoid at times about masking making me feel devious or sly, maybe even manipulative. I suppose everyone does it, NT people will often hide their true intentions, maybe for different reasons.
I have felt exactly the same about being sly and devious but then I realised isn't anything I'm gaining apart from survival.
Very very interesting! I do 1 and 2 all of the time too!