Partner might have ASD

Hi you are describing some aspects of my parents unhappy marriage, and it is painful to read. I now know my dad had ASD and possibly bi-polar?  Outwardly he was the nicest person in the world but was massivley jealous of anything my mum did without him. He even accused her of having an affair when she was in her late 70's and could hardly walk to the shops. He would flip sometimes over the most minor things and not talk to my mum or I for weeks. My mum would come and stay with me for a few days and I would try and talk him around, he knew his stuff would not work with me. I know it was mental torture for her, as it must be for you. This would probabably happen atleast once a year. 

My mum and dad should really had split once I had grown up but they were old school and you married for life. I would really urge you both to work on this and get professional help. You have the chance that they never had and you should really try and get to the bottom of it. I really hope that you can sort this out as you don't deserve that. 

Thank you - it's so helpful to understand this perspective.

Thanks Roy, that's helpful.

Thank you for this advice. Good question about high expectations! Maybe, but I don't think that accounts for everything.

Thanks Rob. Some of those traits are there, yes. I only found out about alexithymia recently and it's clarified a lot for me.

Thanks Iain. This is all helpful. I will broach the idea of him looking into these materials more though.

Thank you so much for clarifying. That makes so much sense and yes absolutely right, I agree. 

Sloth said:

He is affectionate, tender and contantly cuddling and stroking them and will often bypass me in order to seek out their needs - these obvious expressions of empathy and compassion have also thrown me because they are traits that are strongly unrelated to autism diagnosis

It is a myth that autistic people lack empathy. This historic false stereotype was based on how others viewed them from the outside

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

"Whilst it is true that autistic people can struggle to process and understand the intentions of others within social interactions, when one listens to the accounts of autistic people, one could say such problems are in both directions."

"Simply put, the theory of the double empathy problem suggests that when people with very different experiences of the world interact with one another, they will struggle to empathise with each other."

Very commonly autistic people will find it much easier to bond and connect with animals rather than humans. You will find numerous examples of that on these forums. Animals are much less complicated and demanding.

NAS86592 thank you so much for listening and sharing. I have asked my partner if he will seek a diagnosis but he is currently unsure if he wants to at the moment I am giving him time to process the question and see where it leads.

I am trying hard to be tolerant because I love him and hate to feel that he may be silently suffering but sometimes my selfishness and craving for affection get the better of me. The important thing is that now that I know I need to speak openly and directly to him I can at least attempt communication  and hopefully we can start from there.

I do hope you and your wife are able to find some comfort in each other too

I am unable to express empathy or loving emotion but still feel it. My wife who is agoraphobic with her own issues can echo your position. The majority of your description is also our reality.  I can sense your desperation.  Your husband is trapped  in the same rut I am trapped in.  I'm not in a position to offer advice except try to be as tolerant as is possible.

Hi there,

I'm new to the forum and to understanding autism. My partner and I are in our fifties. I can relate somewhat. My partner is not yet diagnosed but we have had 'the conversation' and he agrees that there are definitely autistic traits to his behaviour.

I have been with my partner for ten years. I have known him for 25 years as a good friend but had never noticed any traits that led me to believe that he could be suffering.

During the first couple of years of our relationship, I was diagnosed with a severe and chronic illness and was pretty much bed ridden. He took such good care of me, bathing and dressing me without any complaint (but also without compassion too - it was more 'matter of fact!') and when I thanked him he looked at me with confusion about why I was thanking him.

During this time however, he continually demanded physical intimacy from me, even though it was painful and exhausting for me. If I declined he would become moody and argumentative, totally disregarding my feelings.

If we argued in general, he would sulk and refrain from talking to me for weeks at a time which was excruciating for me as I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells and this behaviour destroyed any self confidence i had.

I stayed with him because I knew he was/is a beautiful soul with a heart of gold, and that somehow we coukd move past this, I just couldn't understand why he was being like this with me when only 12 months ago he seemed to adore me!

10 years later we rarely sit in the same room together at home, intimacy is non existent (by his choice now) I cook, clean, manage the money and source and apply for jobs for him. If he purchases things online, i have to do it and alot of the time i have to remind him to dress appropriately when leaving the house (otherwise he would wear week old clothing) He works and maintains our home and when we are at home together, we take daily walks together with our dogs fir an hour a day. 

I work 3 days a week but now at least have my illness under control to some degree however, I am exhausted emotionally and physically most of the time. I also feel lonely alot because I am a tactile person who enjoys giving and receiving love.

Sometimes (and I know this sounds laughable) I find myself resenting our pets! My partner seems full of empathy and compassion when it comes to the well being of our dogs. He talks to them with so much love and will go out of his way to care for them, even staying up all night when one of them is unwell. He is affectionate, tender and contantly cuddling and stroking them and will often bypass me in order to seek out their needs - these obvious expressions of empathy and compassion have also thrown me because they are traits that are strongly unrelated to autism diagnosis - Has anyone else experienced this at all?

I know my partner loves me, without a single doubt - it has been a long and arduous journey and is still quite painful at times but although we may not spend time together like other couples, there is something unspoken, a bond between us that tells each of us that we have each others back. It may not look like love to most people  but it is a deep friendship. Him knowing that I'm going to be there for him come what may and me knowing that although there will never be the affection that I crave, he is my person.

If the diagnosis proves our theory of autism, no doubt that will be a whole other journey so I am hoping to learn and gather as much advice as possible to show my partner in a way that he can understand, that he is loved and is not alone.

Thank you for listening 

I am a diagnosed autistic woman with a neurotypical partner. I can only speak for myself and my own experiences.

The kind of conversations you describe I have found incredibly difficult over the years for two reasons 1. The stress of everyday life had built up over the years to the point where having to discuss any of "the big stuff" would tip me over the edge because my brain was FULL. 2. Now things have calmed down I can't face any more change - I like the current stability after a lifetime of trying to keep up with what everyone else wants - and the thought of having to discuss big stuff makes me feel stressed. 

I'm offering these perspectives as it's something you may consider for your partner's behaviour. 

Hi, has the therapist picked up on any autistic behaviour? Your partner will most probably be good at masking in front of strangers. The first step would be him actually accepting he may be autistic, it’s not any easy step. There’s no easy way to do “ the conversation,” one thing autistic people normally need is direct communication, don’t do a conversation with hints. I would ask, “ do you love me?”and “where do you see this relationship going?” In mid thirties I wonder if you are thinking about having children and thinking you may not achieve this if you stay. If he does accept autism may be a possibility then take some online tests and take it from there, I know from my own experience, finding out why I’m different was a big relief and life changing. My relationship with my wife is much better, I now see when I'm in a situation that makes me struggle,  I am able to identify it and try to explain how it’s affecting me.

NAS86592 said:

I've been on a 42 year emotional roller coaster with my wife  who still doesn't get it!  All I get is rebuttle from her to everything I say!!

NAS88482 The rolls are reversed. I am the autistic husband who has already had the diagnosis.

Autism did not exist during the days of my childhood. (I'm 78)

Pehaps after 42 years of marriage my expectations may have been on the high side :-)

Hi, I am an autistic woman with a husband who is non-autistic but very introverted. We have been married for hundreds of years (feels like). Obviously, your husband could be on the autistic spectrum and a diagnosis would probably help him to understand himself and his relationship with you a bit more. Autism would have been noticeable in childhood, so talk to him about how he felt as a child and teenager, about himself, other people and the world around. How did he interact, what was he frightened of, how did he find the transition to secondary school etc. On the other hand, what you have described in your relationship may be the result of something else - stress, needing time out, a lack of togetherness which might heal with counselling. Also - and I am aware this sounds rude  so I am sorry - but have you considered that your expectations surrounding long-term relationships might be a little on the high side? 

Luftmentsch said:

are those books intended purely for autistic-allistic relationships?

I think they are for NT / ND relationships as the number of ND / ND relationships is probably such a tiny part of the population that there isn't much demand for the books (ie most publishers would not consider them viable).

With the complications that come with 2 peoples different autistic traits it would be very hard to give general advice - there are likely to be so many areas of challenge to deal with.

Somewhat off-subject, but are those books intended purely for autistic-allistic relationships? My wife and I are both autistic (she's probably AuDHD) and would be glad to read something that relates to us.

NAS65321 said:

hates sudden changes of plan, my wife throws me by simply asking me to stop at the shop on the way home

talks to you in what you feel is an insulting and uncaring way

That's me along with alexithymia.  I've been on a 42 year emotional roller coaster with my wife  who still doesn't get it!  All I get is rebuttle from her to everything I say!!

I can see why you think he may have ASD, and you could be right. He may also have ADHD and alexithymia, this means he has no idea what his own emotions are. The ADHD side will mean he can cope with people although inside he might have massive anxiety. Talking for myself does he have any of these traits...

plans things massivley

hates sudden changes of plan, my wife throws me by simply asking me to stop at the shop on the way home

talks to you in what you feel is an insulting and uncaring way

has any interests that they are obsessed about that he will put over you

That was just a few thoughts, those of us with ASD are all diffrent and there is no one size fits all thing. I would add that if he does go to his GP and they put him forward for a diagnosis that could take mnay years and there will be no help from the NHS.

good luck

Rob

Has your partner taken an online test to see if his issues are probably autism related? The following link should give a good indication if you are barking up the right tree:

https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/autism-test-online/

If this scores in a way that indicates autism then there are a number of books that can help you understand the situation from both of your perspectives:

22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)
ISBN 9781849058032

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)
ISBN 9781849054980

This does not mean the responsibility is all on you though - this is just to educate you to inform any decisions you make.

If he is unwilling to change (change is very difficult for many autists) then you need to make sure you clearly and in some detail point out to him how it is impacting you. Assume he is an alien and you have to spell everything out just to make sure there are no assumptions made about his level of understanding.

The change issue is also one that is likely to be impactful for you as you want to "make decisions" about the relationship. Remember to spell out to him exactly what this means as it confused the hell out of me when I used to get that statement from my partner.

Ultimately you may need to decide he cannot fill your needs in some aspects so you should device if this is enough to "make do" and settle for less than you want, or go back into the dating game to try to find someone else. A tough decision but an important one.

Please make sure your therapist is experienced in dealing with autists as many are not and they lack the insight into the subtleties of their situation.

Good luck in finding an outcome that works for you.