Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello, my partner has some autistic traits and my difficulty relating to this is causing issues in our relationship and I’m wondering if it’s helpful to try to get him to see a specialist about ASD or not. He’s intelligent, charismatic, likes people, and he’s trying to work with me and a therapist to fix some of our issues, but I often feel like he can’t understand my emotions, like I’m only important to him on an intellectual level and sometimes (two or three times a week) I feel like I’m completely alone in his presence - which makes me feel strangely empty inside. We’ve been together 6 years and he never wants to talk about our future and calls me anxious when I bring up anything about it.
We’re at a point where we need to make a decision about our relationship - we’re mid-30s. I feel like despite being a strong person with strong feminist values, I’m being forced into a stereotyped version of a victimised, self-doubting, confused woman.
If anyone has similar experience and can offer advice, please do.
Has your partner taken an online test to see if his issues are probably autism related? The following link should give a good indication if you are barking up the right tree:
https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/autism-test-online/
If this scores in a way that indicates autism then there are a number of books that can help you understand the situation from both of your perspectives:
22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)ISBN 9781849058032Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)ISBN 9781849054980
This does not mean the responsibility is all on you though - this is just to educate you to inform any decisions you make.
If he is unwilling to change (change is very difficult for many autists) then you need to make sure you clearly and in some detail point out to him how it is impacting you. Assume he is an alien and you have to spell everything out just to make sure there are no assumptions made about his level of understanding.
The change issue is also one that is likely to be impactful for you as you want to "make decisions" about the relationship. Remember to spell out to him exactly what this means as it confused the hell out of me when I used to get that statement from my partner.
Ultimately you may need to decide he cannot fill your needs in some aspects so you should device if this is enough to "make do" and settle for less than you want, or go back into the dating game to try to find someone else. A tough decision but an important one.
Please make sure your therapist is experienced in dealing with autists as many are not and they lack the insight into the subtleties of their situation.
Good luck in finding an outcome that works for you.
Thanks Iain. This is all helpful. I will broach the idea of him looking into these materials more though.
Somewhat off-subject, but are those books intended purely for autistic-allistic relationships? My wife and I are both autistic (she's probably AuDHD) and would be glad to read something that relates to us.