Partner might have ASD

Hi there,

I'm new to the forum and to understanding autism. My partner and I are in our fifties. I can relate somewhat. My partner is not yet diagnosed but we have had 'the conversation' and he agrees that there are definitely autistic traits to his behaviour.

I have been with my partner for ten years. I have known him for 25 years as a good friend but had never noticed any traits that led me to believe that he could be suffering.

During the first couple of years of our relationship, I was diagnosed with a severe and chronic illness and was pretty much bed ridden. He took such good care of me, bathing and dressing me without any complaint (but also without compassion too - it was more 'matter of fact!') and when I thanked him he looked at me with confusion about why I was thanking him.

During this time however, he continually demanded physical intimacy from me, even though it was painful and exhausting for me. If I declined he would become moody and argumentative, totally disregarding my feelings.

If we argued in general, he would sulk and refrain from talking to me for weeks at a time which was excruciating for me as I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells and this behaviour destroyed any self confidence i had.

I stayed with him because I knew he was/is a beautiful soul with a heart of gold, and that somehow we coukd move past this, I just couldn't understand why he was being like this with me when only 12 months ago he seemed to adore me!

10 years later we rarely sit in the same room together at home, intimacy is non existent (by his choice now) I cook, clean, manage the money and source and apply for jobs for him. If he purchases things online, i have to do it and alot of the time i have to remind him to dress appropriately when leaving the house (otherwise he would wear week old clothing) He works and maintains our home and when we are at home together, we take daily walks together with our dogs fir an hour a day. 

I work 3 days a week but now at least have my illness under control to some degree however, I am exhausted emotionally and physically most of the time. I also feel lonely alot because I am a tactile person who enjoys giving and receiving love.

Sometimes (and I know this sounds laughable) I find myself resenting our pets! My partner seems full of empathy and compassion when it comes to the well being of our dogs. He talks to them with so much love and will go out of his way to care for them, even staying up all night when one of them is unwell. He is affectionate, tender and contantly cuddling and stroking them and will often bypass me in order to seek out their needs - these obvious expressions of empathy and compassion have also thrown me because they are traits that are strongly unrelated to autism diagnosis - Has anyone else experienced this at all?

I know my partner loves me, without a single doubt - it has been a long and arduous journey and is still quite painful at times but although we may not spend time together like other couples, there is something unspoken, a bond between us that tells each of us that we have each others back. It may not look like love to most people  but it is a deep friendship. Him knowing that I'm going to be there for him come what may and me knowing that although there will never be the affection that I crave, he is my person.

If the diagnosis proves our theory of autism, no doubt that will be a whole other journey so I am hoping to learn and gather as much advice as possible to show my partner in a way that he can understand, that he is loved and is not alone.

Thank you for listening 

Hi there,

I'm new to the forum and to understanding autism. My partner and I are in our fifties. I can relate somewhat. My partner is not yet diagnosed but we have had 'the conversation' and he agrees that there are definitely autistic traits to his behaviour.

I have been with my partner for ten years. I have known him for 25 years as a good friend but had never noticed any traits that led me to believe that he could be suffering.

During the first couple of years of our relationship, I was diagnosed with a severe and chronic illness and was pretty much bed ridden. He took such good care of me, bathing and dressing me without any complaint (but also without compassion too - it was more 'matter of fact!') and when I thanked him he looked at me with confusion about why I was thanking him.

During this time however, he continually demanded physical intimacy from me, even though it was painful and exhausting for me. If I declined he would become moody and argumentative, totally disregarding my feelings.

If we argued in general, he would sulk and refrain from talking to me for weeks at a time which was excruciating for me as I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells and this behaviour destroyed any self confidence i had.

I stayed with him because I knew he was/is a beautiful soul with a heart of gold, and that somehow we coukd move past this, I just couldn't understand why he was being like this with me when only 12 months ago he seemed to adore me!

10 years later we rarely sit in the same room together at home, intimacy is non existent (by his choice now) I cook, clean, manage the money and source and apply for jobs for him. If he purchases things online, i have to do it and alot of the time i have to remind him to dress appropriately when leaving the house (otherwise he would wear week old clothing) He works and maintains our home and when we are at home together, we take daily walks together with our dogs fir an hour a day. 

I work 3 days a week but now at least have my illness under control to some degree however, I am exhausted emotionally and physically most of the time. I also feel lonely alot because I am a tactile person who enjoys giving and receiving love.

Sometimes (and I know this sounds laughable) I find myself resenting our pets! My partner seems full of empathy and compassion when it comes to the well being of our dogs. He talks to them with so much love and will go out of his way to care for them, even staying up all night when one of them is unwell. He is affectionate, tender and contantly cuddling and stroking them and will often bypass me in order to seek out their needs - these obvious expressions of empathy and compassion have also thrown me because they are traits that are strongly unrelated to autism diagnosis - Has anyone else experienced this at all?

I know my partner loves me, without a single doubt - it has been a long and arduous journey and is still quite painful at times but although we may not spend time together like other couples, there is something unspoken, a bond between us that tells each of us that we have each others back. It may not look like love to most people  but it is a deep friendship. Him knowing that I'm going to be there for him come what may and me knowing that although there will never be the affection that I crave, he is my person.

If the diagnosis proves our theory of autism, no doubt that will be a whole other journey so I am hoping to learn and gather as much advice as possible to show my partner in a way that he can understand, that he is loved and is not alone.

Thank you for listening 

Hi you are describing some aspects of my parents unhappy marriage, and it is painful to read. I now know my dad had ASD and possibly bi-polar?  Outwardly he was the nicest person in the world but was massivley jealous of anything my mum did without him. He even accused her of having an affair when she was in her late 70's and could hardly walk to the shops. He would flip sometimes over the most minor things and not talk to my mum or I for weeks. My mum would come and stay with me for a few days and I would try and talk him around, he knew his stuff would not work with me. I know it was mental torture for her, as it must be for you. This would probabably happen atleast once a year. 

My mum and dad should really had split once I had grown up but they were old school and you married for life. I would really urge you both to work on this and get professional help. You have the chance that they never had and you should really try and get to the bottom of it. I really hope that you can sort this out as you don't deserve that. 

Sloth said:

He is affectionate, tender and contantly cuddling and stroking them and will often bypass me in order to seek out their needs - these obvious expressions of empathy and compassion have also thrown me because they are traits that are strongly unrelated to autism diagnosis

It is a myth that autistic people lack empathy. This historic false stereotype was based on how others viewed them from the outside

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/double-empathy

"Whilst it is true that autistic people can struggle to process and understand the intentions of others within social interactions, when one listens to the accounts of autistic people, one could say such problems are in both directions."

"Simply put, the theory of the double empathy problem suggests that when people with very different experiences of the world interact with one another, they will struggle to empathise with each other."

Very commonly autistic people will find it much easier to bond and connect with animals rather than humans. You will find numerous examples of that on these forums. Animals are much less complicated and demanding.

I am unable to express empathy or loving emotion but still feel it. My wife who is agoraphobic with her own issues can echo your position. The majority of your description is also our reality.  I can sense your desperation.  Your husband is trapped  in the same rut I am trapped in.  I'm not in a position to offer advice except try to be as tolerant as is possible.