Adult Diagnosis Maybe

This seems like a wonderful idea but it makes me feel nervous  lol. I will give.it a shot though. I love schedules. When I took my kids to Disney World years ago, I planned which day we would be in which park and made meal reservations in those parks so it was all set up. The time to ride rides though I was able to let them choose because that was part of the plan.

The career I'm in actually trained me to what they call a "success calendar" so I think that's why I do well in it. There's a template that I feel in and I was taught which type of activity goes in which part if the template. They also taught me what to replace with if I don't have the correct activity needed for the template that day. 

Chlotte said:

I had laid out the day already

I get it that routine is very important for you, but have you considered creating a part of the routine that lets you play a "wild card" - one with its own rules that lets you have a day with variable structure that is actually planned?

Think of it as a way you can take the tasks that the day in question has lined up and decide how to re-allocate these in a way that works for you.

Consider this.

Every day you set aside a time window of an hour to do the things you may need to have rescheduled. If you have nothing to fit in from these events then it can be whatever has cropped up unexpectedly or simply free time to read a book.

This gives buffer space to stop any unexpected events destroying the while day. Expecting the unexpected if you like and being able to crush it!.

When you have a unexpected but most welcome visitor then you can look at your day, see which tasks are "must do" (doctors appointment), "really should be done" (pick up more milk as we are nearly out) and "actually I can live if that doesn't get done" (cleaning).

Now you should get the visitor to work around the "must do"items, reschedule the "really should be done" items to the next day or two and the rest get put off until further free time slots.

This way you control the chaos and have comfort that you can cope well with the unexpected.

To reinforce this keep a note of your daily plans and mark up on these when you had to play the "chaos card" and how well it worked for you. That builds confidence in its effectiveness so you are  comfortable in using it and can cope better with the unknown,

Only a thought.

I think you're mostly correct. I feel like I need to talk with my kids. When they got out if high school and started their own things, I no longer controlled my schedule. I have never been mean to them but I think at times they didn't understand my lesser excitement when my son wanted to visit unannounced. I ALWAYS want to see him but I set up my day and it's tough to re-adjust, even when it's a good thing changing and I love him so much. I would just get irritated and they know me so well that it was impossible to total cover from them. Their are other small things like that where they might feel better if they knew. 

Also to note, he was never visiting during a time I had an obligation like my job. Most of the time it would be just that I had to clean the kitchen or do laundry but I had laid out the day already. I write my day down every day and then move through the list so I can get stuff done. This also allows me to write down new stuff that comes up and put it into a different schedule. I run on listed schedules all the time.

With disclosing it's like coming out - it can feel liberating but also vulnerable. When you've known people for a while you can tell who will be an ally and who won't. At the moment I work on a need - to - know basis. If someone not knowing compromises my safety then I disclose (e g. workplace, medical situation), everyone else has to earn my trust and show willing before I will open up to them. I've been too open before and it hasn't served my interests. 

I know feeling bad about yourself, blaming yourself for not coping and feeling there's something wrong with you. Having an explanation for how your nervous system is and how your brain works is such a relief. 

I lived in the Midwest. There was a lot of ignorance about mental health and of course the opiate problem. So many children at my son's school were not living with their parents because their parents had died or couldn't cope. 

Thank you. I am back in the UK and feeling much better. Being around familiar things and environment has lessened my sensory issues and my nervous system has calmed down a lot. 

Just be yourself. 
Those who avoid you arn't worth knowing anyway.
You will be happier in yourself if you just " Go with the flow " so to speak.

Thank you. Maybe I will be more careful about telling people. This geographic area is a little weird anyway lol. I probably won't tell my family, outside of my kids (who are adults).

I would like to have a couple friends I can tell. Explaining some things and being accepted or met in the middle with allowances would be really cool. 

Also, it would be very nice to go to social gathering and feel more natural. I hate being aware of my face for hours on end so I appear pleasant.

Chlotte said:

I can't find ANYTHING like this in my own country. I am still looking. 

Hello Chlotte, welcome to the club.

One good thing about the internet is that it breaks down all the borders (unless you live in China / Russia etc) and lets us work on the sort of platform that works well for us.

Chlotte said:

Does it help to let people now you're autistic or does that make things harder?

In my experienece it makes things harder.

I'm from the UK and telling colleagues I was autistic mostly led to me being thought of even more as the office weirdo. The vast majority of people don't really have much knowlede other than what they see on The Good Doctor / A-Typical or Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

Quite a few would think I was somehow mentally deficient in spite of having spent 5 years as either their boss or colleague - these were mostly males. The females in the office were on the whole more aware and more inclusive which was reassuring.

In hindsight I think I would only disclose it to support a point I was making when I get the usual "but why?" response (eg I don't want to go to the pub on Friday after work as I don't like the loud sound system they use and trying to socialise with colleagues when they get drunk).

I'm living in Brazil now and knowledge and acceptance of autism is way lower so I'm speaking to some local charities to offer coaching services for people leaving the school system and trying to get into work - the hope is to help them understand what they are getting into, develop coping mechanisms for the inevitable stress ahead and help them find a career that works well for their abilities and interests.

I am in the south east. Also. I have had the same things told to me like your husband said. But I wasn't diagnosed so it was lots of people and all I could do was feel bad about myself because I figured they were all correct. I am truly sorry you went through that

I'm not surprised. Which region are you in? 

I'm ok, Autumn. Thanks. I just had a really bad time in the US with my ex-husband. I had sensory overwhelm a lot of the time and he would say things like I was emotionally unstable or too sensitive and not accept that I am autistic. I had a mental health crisis from it and because he was my next of kin mental health services involved him in my care even though I was telling them I'm autistic and why I was in a crisis is because of living with someone that treated me that way. I'm sure it can be that way in the UK too. I just saw a really bad side of US society. 

You are correct in a way about the out of country forum use. I can't find ANYTHING like this in my own country. I am still looking. 

Ottilie, you sound really upset, if you want to chat please feel free to DM me. Here to listen. x

No offense meant Chlotte, but the fact that you are asking this on a UK forum says a lot. I lived in the US for 5 years and from what I experienced the US is even worse than the UK in how autism is viewed. 

With neurotypical people I don't say "I'm autistic" and expect them to understand. I try to be specific whilst standing up for my needs. Mainstream society does not understand autism. At best they view it as a learning disability, or they don't even know what the word means. I say things like " Can I get back to you because I need time to think about what you just said", "That doesn't work for me. It's best for me if I...", "Socialising that way isn't beneficial for me so thanks for the offer but I won't be attending. It's nothing personal ". So to answer your question it doesn't help either to disclose or not disclose because general awareness needs to shift for that to happen. To advocate for yourself takes a lot of courage and so many of us are so burnt out from simply trying to survive in a system that is not catering our needs. Things are changing but in the meantime we need to be aware that there are prejudices and be cautious about keeping ourselves safe, and keep paying attention to laws specific to where we live because there are dire consequences for being viewed a certain way by society. 

Thank you! That's what I was thinking. Some if the things that people don't seem to like about the way I talk are things I can easily explain but right now no one really seems to get it. I thought the diagnosis might help. Looking more into this and the couple online tests I took has already helped me personally feel a little better about myself. 

Hi there :) 

The only reason I wanted a formal diagnosis was so I could have this sort of 'short hand' with people (eg. family, employers, etc) to say "Oh I have autism" and them to say "Okay cool". You know? 

Rather than for us both to dance around the fact that I am just a bit weird and quirky and sometimes (often) say the wrong things. 

So I think it is valid if you want to get a diagnosis for that reason. You get to choose who you disclose that to.