Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey! I am actually going for an assessment here in the US in a few weeks but I am gathering info. I am a 40 y/o woman and I ended up here because my kids are both done with school and I decided to attempt making a friend group for myself. I didn't seem to able to so I started researching how and ended up here.
It is both nice and sad to see myself explained. Sad only because my family could have been more accepting and loving of things when I was young.
Anyway, I still want friends lol
Irl people are going to want an official diagnosis if I am going to bring it up so I'll have to wait. I do have one question. Does it help to let people now you're autistic or does that make things harder? I feel like it would make it easier to explain some things about myself and maybe being able to connect better. Then I thought it might just make people avoid ne from the start.
Advice?
No offense meant Chlotte, but the fact that you are asking this on a UK forum says a lot. I lived in the US for 5 years and from what I experienced the US is even worse than the UK in how autism is viewed.
With neurotypical people I don't say "I'm autistic" and expect them to understand. I try to be specific whilst standing up for my needs. Mainstream society does not understand autism. At best they view it as a learning disability, or they don't even know what the word means. I say things like " Can I get back to you because I need time to think about what you just said", "That doesn't work for me. It's best for me if I...", "Socialising that way isn't beneficial for me so thanks for the offer but I won't be attending. It's nothing personal ". So to answer your question it doesn't help either to disclose or not disclose because general awareness needs to shift for that to happen. To advocate for yourself takes a lot of courage and so many of us are so burnt out from simply trying to survive in a system that is not catering our needs. Things are changing but in the meantime we need to be aware that there are prejudices and be cautious about keeping ourselves safe, and keep paying attention to laws specific to where we live because there are dire consequences for being viewed a certain way by society.
You are correct in a way about the out of country forum use. I can't find ANYTHING like this in my own country. I am still looking.
Chlotte said:I can't find ANYTHING like this in my own country. I am still looking.
Hello Chlotte, welcome to the club.
One good thing about the internet is that it breaks down all the borders (unless you live in China / Russia etc) and lets us work on the sort of platform that works well for us.
Chlotte said:Does it help to let people now you're autistic or does that make things harder?
In my experienece it makes things harder.
I'm from the UK and telling colleagues I was autistic mostly led to me being thought of even more as the office weirdo. The vast majority of people don't really have much knowlede other than what they see on The Good Doctor / A-Typical or Extraordinary Attorney Woo.
Quite a few would think I was somehow mentally deficient in spite of having spent 5 years as either their boss or colleague - these were mostly males. The females in the office were on the whole more aware and more inclusive which was reassuring.
In hindsight I think I would only disclose it to support a point I was making when I get the usual "but why?" response (eg I don't want to go to the pub on Friday after work as I don't like the loud sound system they use and trying to socialise with colleagues when they get drunk).
I'm living in Brazil now and knowledge and acceptance of autism is way lower so I'm speaking to some local charities to offer coaching services for people leaving the school system and trying to get into work - the hope is to help them understand what they are getting into, develop coping mechanisms for the inevitable stress ahead and help them find a career that works well for their abilities and interests.
With disclosing it's like coming out - it can feel liberating but also vulnerable. When you've known people for a while you can tell who will be an ally and who won't. At the moment I work on a need - to - know basis. If someone not knowing compromises my safety then I disclose (e g. workplace, medical situation), everyone else has to earn my trust and show willing before I will open up to them. I've been too open before and it hasn't served my interests.