Ghosting - Presumably a more prevalent [or more fiercely felt] experience in the autistic population?

I sometimes simply loose my thread in conversations and get busy elsewhere, oo, look a squirrel...

That doesn't sound very nice for you at all, the not knowing after so long. It was lovely of you to keep sending those thoughtful letters, even when they weren't being responded too. You're a wonderful friend. 

I'm reminded a bit of my mum and her checking up to a couple of friends, one she had known since childhood, who aren't very well at the moment.

It can take its toll. Coming from a big Asian family, it feels like there are so many people (for her) to keep in touch with. She was always told to "do the right thing" as a kid/adult.

I've kept myself out of family whatsapp groups - and often off of WhatsApp altogether! (I've had to download it on trips abroad to communicate with locals; or, as happened last year, when an accommodation situation in Spain turned awry and I was without a place to stay for a few days (a not-cheap hotel was a short-term solution).

I feel much happier just having a handful of folks to communicate/meet up with from time to time, without having to "keep in touch" with everyone. 

"On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me."

I can so relate to this! I never know what to make of these phrases -" let's keep in touch", "keep me posted", etc. Are you saying it to be polite? How much do you want me to update you on X project/life event and when?

I worked in recruitment somehow for 5 years(!), so I somehow got used to chasing people and being ignored; it never felt pleasant though, and for  connections outside of work (of which many have come and gone), the digital world we now live in had caused as many problems as it's solved, I think. 

Yes, I have always struggled with this!

I will never not reply to a message. Generally I try to as soon as I see it; this can become overwhelming though, and it's why I find digital communication so exhausting. I've spent times off WhatsApp and its felt great (and kept read receipts turned off when I do use the app).

I much prefer texts & emails; aside from IRL chats, email might actually be my preferred way to communicate. Slower and more thoughtful; I somehow feel less guilty when I've not responded to emails for a couple of days or few days (there are a couple in my inbox waiting to be answered in fact), and it also feels less intense being unreplied-to over email, than say a text or WhatsApp or message of some kind in the various apps we have these days 

You raise all good points.  I think imposter syndrome is something that a proficient masker will undoubtedly feel quite keenly, both before and after diagnosis/identification.  Being in this community helps assuage that negativity.

`yes - helpful. Sometimes it all seems fine, then overwhelming.

That is sad, and I'm sorry to hear it. I've had a variety of reactions to disclosing my diagnosis from 'I wouldn't have known, apart from the fact that you're so anxious' to 'I could have told you that for free'. While the latter is blunter, I'm more reassured by that end of the reaction spectrum. Makes me less prone to imposter syndrome getting too much of a foothold. And yes, the 'in vogue'/on trend aspect unsettles me. I'd be mortified if anyone thought I was trying to be on a bandwagon for attention (the last thing I want!), but the de-stigmatising of neurodiversity and the improved chances of having the penny drop that more recent times have brought us (as has the effect of middle age and its additional energy drain on our ability to mask ourselves even *from* ourselves) have all brought about a sort of critical mass for us. We know our truth, and it's just a shame that a tone of scepticism will be there in a few. Not many in my case though, generally most have been 'cool' about it, and believe me. I guess I was a more transparent case (to the truly perceptive) than I realised.

Even though I've given a fragment - thanks for saying that.

I am very accomplished masker....my friend almost certainly couldn't have known I was autistic.....I even fooled myself for 50+ years.

I have noted a distinct air of "oh no, not another weak-willed mind succumbing to the vogue of getting a "mental health" or "personality" label....when I have told a few people about my revelations.  Few people have been 'cool' when I have tried to explain myself.  Sad but true.

You are right, the two things are most certainly linked, and possibly inextricably so.

With me, it i the loss - which is connected to the 'not knowing' and the sense did I know the person? (since the behaved seemingly counter to their past)

Thank you, but I have grown very resilient over the years - possibly to a fault.  It is what it is........

but........

WHY  ??  That is the thing that bothers me most.  I don't actually know if it was the fact that I said I was autistic or whether it was other things disclosed at that time or just a "a friend in need is a pain in the ass" type affair?

It is the 'not knowing' aspect of a ghosting experience that I find so very occupying - not the loss so much.

Number said:

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I am really sorry to hear this.

Helen said:

Except if we're tired and overwhelmed, which can be often.

This is my problem. I can be keen to communicate, involved in a forum, a thread, an email conversation, but then get tired and/or overwhelmed so take a break and mean to get back to it and then it's been 3 days, a week, 4 months, a year and I realise I never got back to them and feel bad. Or I try to respond and somehow can't.

I tend to assume here that part of being unmasked is that folks will understand I don't mean to be rude if I don't reply. Because the pressure can get too much and I will stop engaging altogether.

It's happened on my other forum for a hobby. I like getting messages but a week ago I got too many and had to decide how to respond to some so I kind of shut down over it. The tabs are still open for me to reply and I still haven't! Now I'm worried those people might think it's deliberate! Which makes it harder for me to face dealing with. Oh the joys of the spectrum!

Well my arcane manner now wants to simply write "Eggshells dear lady, eggshells" in the hope that you would accept that in the spirit with which I mean it - ie "no worries love" ie "obviously we're all cool sister" ie "don't be so daft - we're all good you nutter" etc etc....  Any and/or all of these can get a well meaning soul in terrible trouble these days.

Unfortunately, the public at large seem often to leap on style rather than meaning......I write like a complete tos ser and speak similarly very often.  Part of my legacy from a life time of masking - there are so many ways of trying to communicate the same thing.  I'm trying to be appropriately careful in this very public forum....not so worried about you....it's all the others whom I haven't become accustomed to - and visa verser.

I wish you a peaceful remainder to this fine and crisp Saturday night.

I apologise if my response had come across as though I was annoyed or irritated with you. The last thing I want is to get into an argument with anyone either. 

OK - I see what you mean - but I tend to think that there is a suddenness and abruptness associated with the definition of ghosting.....and when you know they have received the communication?  I could be wrong....and just to be clear (my writing style can appear rather officious - obs!) I'm discussing possible interpretations of the definition for ghosting with you...and most definitely not trying to, or wishing to argue with you.  These places do scare me to death sometimes!!!!!!

I knew where she was living. Prior to her sudden silence, we would send birthday and Christmas cards, and sometimes gifts (through the post).

I feel saddened that you were ghosted after telling your long-standing friend about your autism. You were autistic before your diagnosis, so from my perspective, I'm struggling to understand why your friend ghosted you.

Your description of the loss above is more "loosing touch" rather than ghosting?

If you knew where she was and how to get hold of her - but got no response = possible ghosting.