Ghosting - Presumably a more prevalent [or more fiercely felt] experience in the autistic population?

Felt intensly - and often at great length. Sometimes there's the strange sense that it is happening, and trying to engage more to communicate...

And these last few years have had some great - and trying - examples.

Thanks for posting James, I was beginning to wonder if it was just me !  Like you, when it happens, I feel it intensely and seem to ponder over the possible reasons for ages.  I am trying to overthink less - but with little success.

Sometimes it can be from a small misunderstanding. Othertimes, predicted. It is exhausting.

Physical ghosting - if we can coin a term - and perhaps going offtopic here.One difficulty is when something gets raised - such a coffee/drinks or an impromptu meeting - and then silence. Never sure whether it will take place. (And the amount of times when it hasn't... and when it has, I've taken a while to calm down.)

Other times it feels like burdening the pieces. And one of the longest shadows - during lockdown got a sudden marriage proposal out of the blue from an old friend of many many years, and then, when able to travel, silence. No idea what went on there.

"On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me."

I can so relate to this! I never know what to make of these phrases -" let's keep in touch", "keep me posted", etc. Are you saying it to be polite? How much do you want me to update you on X project/life event and when?

I worked in recruitment somehow for 5 years(!), so I somehow got used to chasing people and being ignored; it never felt pleasant though, and for  connections outside of work (of which many have come and gone), the digital world we now live in had caused as many problems as it's solved, I think. 

You raise all good points.  I think imposter syndrome is something that a proficient masker will undoubtedly feel quite keenly, both before and after diagnosis/identification.  Being in this community helps assuage that negativity.

`yes - helpful. Sometimes it all seems fine, then overwhelming.

That is sad, and I'm sorry to hear it. I've had a variety of reactions to disclosing my diagnosis from 'I wouldn't have known, apart from the fact that you're so anxious' to 'I could have told you that for free'. While the latter is blunter, I'm more reassured by that end of the reaction spectrum. Makes me less prone to imposter syndrome getting too much of a foothold. And yes, the 'in vogue'/on trend aspect unsettles me. I'd be mortified if anyone thought I was trying to be on a bandwagon for attention (the last thing I want!), but the de-stigmatising of neurodiversity and the improved chances of having the penny drop that more recent times have brought us (as has the effect of middle age and its additional energy drain on our ability to mask ourselves even *from* ourselves) have all brought about a sort of critical mass for us. We know our truth, and it's just a shame that a tone of scepticism will be there in a few. Not many in my case though, generally most have been 'cool' about it, and believe me. I guess I was a more transparent case (to the truly perceptive) than I realised.

Even though I've given a fragment - thanks for saying that.

I am very accomplished masker....my friend almost certainly couldn't have known I was autistic.....I even fooled myself for 50+ years.

I have noted a distinct air of "oh no, not another weak-willed mind succumbing to the vogue of getting a "mental health" or "personality" label....when I have told a few people about my revelations.  Few people have been 'cool' when I have tried to explain myself.  Sad but true.

You are right, the two things are most certainly linked, and possibly inextricably so.

With me, it i the loss - which is connected to the 'not knowing' and the sense did I know the person? (since the behaved seemingly counter to their past)

Thank you, but I have grown very resilient over the years - possibly to a fault.  It is what it is........

but........

WHY  ??  That is the thing that bothers me most.  I don't actually know if it was the fact that I said I was autistic or whether it was other things disclosed at that time or just a "a friend in need is a pain in the ass" type affair?

It is the 'not knowing' aspect of a ghosting experience that I find so very occupying - not the loss so much.

Number said:

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I am really sorry to hear this.

I feel saddened that you were ghosted after telling your long-standing friend about your autism. You were autistic before your diagnosis, so from my perspective, I'm struggling to understand why your friend ghosted you.

Your final paragraph - What a truly confusing and awful thing to experience, and especially so when the person in question had been such a long-standing friend.

Please do not apologise.  I am glad we have connected on this.  We all have very different but quite intense traits and reactions to certain things.  On top of that, we each have a series of circumstantial events and control factors that mould our lives to that they have become - here and now.

The circumstantial event you describe is a major one - and it happens to hit right at the core of what this thread was intended to be about.  You're on the money!

I care about this stuff at the moment because I am unpicking how I am failing to communicate, interpret and connect appropriately with other human adults.  I don't know how to explain myself to people despite apparent competencies that should suggest otherwise - I try and get ghosted.  Why - just say?

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I've lost a lot of contact with a lot of people in recent years.  Ghosting matters.

It's good to talk James.

Thanks. It's been nearly a year of complete silence = and that just makes it ring louder. Some people I spoke to about it say just forget, but it seems such an intense thing to forget.

Apologies for unloading - and for moving from the original focus of your valuable thread.

Dude !  You have my deepest sympathy.  That is some full-on cruel / weird / upsetting and profoundly curious business right there!  Obviously, I know nothing of the particulars, but my brain is already in overdrive on your behalf.  I commend your mental strength for dealing with the immensity of that unknown.  I do hope that closure will come for you at some time and in some way.

Number said:

soccerball (or something like that)

Will let that one pass. (Pun intended). Enjoy what you can.

Number said:

That is a big and intense one!!

Yep, and it has been really challenging.

Number said:

 I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

No - complete silence. Last time I tried reaching out, completely shut down. Ever so strange and disorientating. Regardless, miss that person intensely.

Holy moly !  That is a big and intense one!!

If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I would be able to summon the grace to let that one lie....I mean, WTAF!  I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me.

I would REALLY like it if everyone would just say what they ACTUALLY thought!  I REALLY like it when I am given feedback about myself by others, whether that be good or bad comments - without that kind of honesty, how are we supposed to navigate and improve our social interactions.

I suppose I should now sign off and pretend that I'm desperate to watch the UK play soccerball (or something like that).......but actually, I find something more personally meaningful to do.

Holy moly !  That is a big and intense one!!

If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I would be able to summon the grace to let that one lie....I mean, WTAF!  I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me.

I would REALLY like it if everyone would just say what they ACTUALLY thought!  I REALLY like it when I am given feedback about myself by others, whether that be good or bad comments - without that kind of honesty, how are we supposed to navigate and improve our social interactions.

I suppose I should now sign off and pretend that I'm desperate to watch the UK play soccerball (or something like that).......but actually, I find something more personally meaningful to do.

"On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me."

I can so relate to this! I never know what to make of these phrases -" let's keep in touch", "keep me posted", etc. Are you saying it to be polite? How much do you want me to update you on X project/life event and when?

I worked in recruitment somehow for 5 years(!), so I somehow got used to chasing people and being ignored; it never felt pleasant though, and for  connections outside of work (of which many have come and gone), the digital world we now live in had caused as many problems as it's solved, I think. 

You raise all good points.  I think imposter syndrome is something that a proficient masker will undoubtedly feel quite keenly, both before and after diagnosis/identification.  Being in this community helps assuage that negativity.

`yes - helpful. Sometimes it all seems fine, then overwhelming.

That is sad, and I'm sorry to hear it. I've had a variety of reactions to disclosing my diagnosis from 'I wouldn't have known, apart from the fact that you're so anxious' to 'I could have told you that for free'. While the latter is blunter, I'm more reassured by that end of the reaction spectrum. Makes me less prone to imposter syndrome getting too much of a foothold. And yes, the 'in vogue'/on trend aspect unsettles me. I'd be mortified if anyone thought I was trying to be on a bandwagon for attention (the last thing I want!), but the de-stigmatising of neurodiversity and the improved chances of having the penny drop that more recent times have brought us (as has the effect of middle age and its additional energy drain on our ability to mask ourselves even *from* ourselves) have all brought about a sort of critical mass for us. We know our truth, and it's just a shame that a tone of scepticism will be there in a few. Not many in my case though, generally most have been 'cool' about it, and believe me. I guess I was a more transparent case (to the truly perceptive) than I realised.

I am very accomplished masker....my friend almost certainly couldn't have known I was autistic.....I even fooled myself for 50+ years.

I have noted a distinct air of "oh no, not another weak-willed mind succumbing to the vogue of getting a "mental health" or "personality" label....when I have told a few people about my revelations.  Few people have been 'cool' when I have tried to explain myself.  Sad but true.

You are right, the two things are most certainly linked, and possibly inextricably so.

With me, it i the loss - which is connected to the 'not knowing' and the sense did I know the person? (since the behaved seemingly counter to their past)

Thank you, but I have grown very resilient over the years - possibly to a fault.  It is what it is........

but........

WHY  ??  That is the thing that bothers me most.  I don't actually know if it was the fact that I said I was autistic or whether it was other things disclosed at that time or just a "a friend in need is a pain in the ass" type affair?

It is the 'not knowing' aspect of a ghosting experience that I find so very occupying - not the loss so much.

Number said:

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I am really sorry to hear this.

I feel saddened that you were ghosted after telling your long-standing friend about your autism. You were autistic before your diagnosis, so from my perspective, I'm struggling to understand why your friend ghosted you.

Please do not apologise.  I am glad we have connected on this.  We all have very different but quite intense traits and reactions to certain things.  On top of that, we each have a series of circumstantial events and control factors that mould our lives to that they have become - here and now.

The circumstantial event you describe is a major one - and it happens to hit right at the core of what this thread was intended to be about.  You're on the money!

I care about this stuff at the moment because I am unpicking how I am failing to communicate, interpret and connect appropriately with other human adults.  I don't know how to explain myself to people despite apparent competencies that should suggest otherwise - I try and get ghosted.  Why - just say?

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I've lost a lot of contact with a lot of people in recent years.  Ghosting matters.

It's good to talk James.

Thanks. It's been nearly a year of complete silence = and that just makes it ring louder. Some people I spoke to about it say just forget, but it seems such an intense thing to forget.

Apologies for unloading - and for moving from the original focus of your valuable thread.

Dude !  You have my deepest sympathy.  That is some full-on cruel / weird / upsetting and profoundly curious business right there!  Obviously, I know nothing of the particulars, but my brain is already in overdrive on your behalf.  I commend your mental strength for dealing with the immensity of that unknown.  I do hope that closure will come for you at some time and in some way.

Number said:

soccerball (or something like that)

Will let that one pass. (Pun intended). Enjoy what you can.

Number said:

That is a big and intense one!!

Yep, and it has been really challenging.

Number said:

 I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

No - complete silence. Last time I tried reaching out, completely shut down. Ever so strange and disorientating. Regardless, miss that person intensely.