Ghosting - Presumably a more prevalent [or more fiercely felt] experience in the autistic population?

Your final paragraph - What a truly confusing and awful thing to experience, and especially so when the person in question had been such a long-standing friend.

There was a friend I had kept in touch with for a good few years after leaving school, but then we lost touch. When Facebook came along, she tracked me down. In addition to maintaining contact via Facebook and e-mail, we would occasionally meet up. Anyway, she then became unwell, which resulted in her spiraling into depression. Suddenly, there was silence. She had gotten rid of a blog, was no longer active on Facebook, and had also stopped e-mailing. None of our mutual friends had heard from her either.

During the course of the next 12 months or so, I would send occasional letters enquiring how she was and just letting her know that I was thinking of her. I can remember checking her local newspaper, just in case something untoward had happened to her. Approximately a decade later, I still find myself wondering if she is OK.

Please do not apologise.  I am glad we have connected on this.  We all have very different but quite intense traits and reactions to certain things.  On top of that, we each have a series of circumstantial events and control factors that mould our lives to that they have become - here and now.

The circumstantial event you describe is a major one - and it happens to hit right at the core of what this thread was intended to be about.  You're on the money!

I care about this stuff at the moment because I am unpicking how I am failing to communicate, interpret and connect appropriately with other human adults.  I don't know how to explain myself to people despite apparent competencies that should suggest otherwise - I try and get ghosted.  Why - just say?

In your case, it is such a personal matter for you. In my case, I have been ghosted by a very old, cherished and beloved friend with whom I travelled and adventured.....when I said I was autistic.

I've lost a lot of contact with a lot of people in recent years.  Ghosting matters.

It's good to talk James.

I find it frustrating instead of owning it and saying "sorry I don't fancy that" people just don't reply. I have now learned this means "no thanks".

Thanks. It's been nearly a year of complete silence = and that just makes it ring louder. Some people I spoke to about it say just forget, but it seems such an intense thing to forget.

Apologies for unloading - and for moving from the original focus of your valuable thread.

Dude !  You have my deepest sympathy.  That is some full-on cruel / weird / upsetting and profoundly curious business right there!  Obviously, I know nothing of the particulars, but my brain is already in overdrive on your behalf.  I commend your mental strength for dealing with the immensity of that unknown.  I do hope that closure will come for you at some time and in some way.

Number said:

soccerball (or something like that)

Will let that one pass. (Pun intended). Enjoy what you can.

Number said:

That is a big and intense one!!

Yep, and it has been really challenging.

Number said:

 I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

No - complete silence. Last time I tried reaching out, completely shut down. Ever so strange and disorientating. Regardless, miss that person intensely.

Holy moly !  That is a big and intense one!!

If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I would be able to summon the grace to let that one lie....I mean, WTAF!  I assume that you have been able to do so and are still in contact with that friend?

On the "lets meet up and have a beer / coffee soon" type issue, again this one very regularly confuses the hell out of me.  In my experience, most of the time it is just said out of some form of NT etiquette and the act of saying it has zero bearing on whether it is genuinely wanted or not.....thus rendering the words completely meaningless to me.

I would REALLY like it if everyone would just say what they ACTUALLY thought!  I REALLY like it when I am given feedback about myself by others, whether that be good or bad comments - without that kind of honesty, how are we supposed to navigate and improve our social interactions.

I suppose I should now sign off and pretend that I'm desperate to watch the UK play soccerball (or something like that).......but actually, I find something more personally meaningful to do.

(Apologies - an intense one there that still painfully confuses.)

Sometimes it can be from a small misunderstanding. Othertimes, predicted. It is exhausting.

Physical ghosting - if we can coin a term - and perhaps going offtopic here.One difficulty is when something gets raised - such a coffee/drinks or an impromptu meeting - and then silence. Never sure whether it will take place. (And the amount of times when it hasn't... and when it has, I've taken a while to calm down.)

Other times it feels like burdening the pieces. And one of the longest shadows - during lockdown got a sudden marriage proposal out of the blue from an old friend of many many years, and then, when able to travel, silence. No idea what went on there.

Thanks for posting James, I was beginning to wonder if it was just me !  Like you, when it happens, I feel it intensely and seem to ponder over the possible reasons for ages.  I am trying to overthink less - but with little success.

Felt intensly - and often at great length. Sometimes there's the strange sense that it is happening, and trying to engage more to communicate...

And these last few years have had some great - and trying - examples.

My niece and nephew haven't replied to a Boxing Day invitation, so I'm going to go get some carrier pigeons.

Please correct me if I am wrong because I'm currently operating in a funny mode (reading comprehension is not the best right now) but do you mean by "Also it tends to lead to a long list of reasons why I'm wrong and the relationship is working, designed to wear me down until I say ok I'll continue." that you feel gaslit or otherwise dismissed / minimised into being trapped in the relationship? Because if so I just wanna say that sounds really tough and I understand why you would choose to go that route.

I very rarely meet an adult physically smaller than me, so no one ever finds me intimidating, unfortunately.

Understood - and interesting!  In person, I think I have the reverse of your problem.

People quite often seem to be intimidated by me.....or that is how I perceive it anyway.  To be fair, I'd probably be wary of myself coming down a dark alley towards myself!  I somewhat cultivate that air so that people generally leave me alone - its a double edged sword!

Remotely, probably nothing. In person, I can't read people well enough to know whether they might become physically aggressive, which has happened in the past. Also it tends to lead to a long list of reasons why I'm wrong and the relationship is working, designed to wear me down until i say ok I'll continue. I'd just rather not.

It's a pet peeve of mine too Helen.

I hear you!  

I'm definitely not a paragon of virtue when it comes to "ghosting" behaviours.....it is what I have learnt to be the norm and I've spent many years trying to master "norm" - but not so much anymore - hence why I raised the question about it!