Friendships

It does. I suppose that's partly the reason why I have avoided speaking to any of them at all this past week. I realise that I am different in that I need to be alone but I cant even express that. I dont want to express how I feel to them and I dont feel that I should have to.

It sounds like it takes a lot of energy in having to justify and defend yourself

I agree! I have never been able to understand the need to constantly be social. As a teenager I had a close friend but they felt more like a crutch for my social anxiety more than anything. 

Imagine 15 (not 21 sorry) children running around a house for 5 days  and I can imagine there would be drinking involved. Around children. Not my idea of a fun time at all!

Oh gosh I completely sympathise, it's like being asked to become a single parent of 4 kids, albeit temporarily. How can that be anyone's idea of a "nice relaxing, fun time"? Sometimes I think the allistic (non-autistic) need to be seen as social and fit in at the cost of their own sanity is the issue, I do not see how that is healthy even for them.

Thank you. It is exhausting being a mother of 4 boys. My husband is also a full time nights lorry driver and they're not very understanding of that either - they've previously said "wake him up so he can look after the children and you can come for a cuppa". That just isnt how our family works, I respect that my husband works hard and I leave him to sleep as much as he needs, I also then enjoy spending time with him for an hour or two before he goes to work. 

It does appear that one person is more demanding than the others, and I have avoided her like the plague since she has made it all about her. It's frustrating as shes my oldest friend out of the group and when we're alone, we get on like a house on fire. 

I just wish this could be more casual. I'm happy once in a blue moon to meet for a catch up but multiple times a week or a group holiday sounds like a form of torture. I made the excuse that my husband wouldnt want to go and they genuinely suggested me and the children leave him at home alone for 5 days. Honestly.

Hi, I think what Martin said would be the easiest way for them to see your point. Autistic or not, 4 children is going to wear anyone out. Neurotypical people like to be in groups or as I often say, herds or packs. They like to seek approval from each other and have a need of belonging to a collective. Autistic people often prefer their own space and don’t crave being in groups, we are often the lone wolf, just happy to quietly watch from a distance. Groups can be overwhelming and cause a meltdown. If you don’t want to completely cut them off then maybe just find one in the group who wants to go at a slower pace.

I often called these groups ‘the playground mafia’, there is always a dominant one in the group who borders on bullying. I can’t  imagine how regimented and overwhelming a group holiday would be. I keep thinking of the series ‘ Motherland’. 

I understand how you feel. Though I'm gonna be honest and just say I felt like I couldn't use "I'm just too tired and need a quiet day" as I only have one kid but I did (technically not a lie) lie through my back teeth and say "I'd love to make every meet but I just can't because of scheduling issues and work from home I have to get done".
And I have never felt bad for using that white lie for my self presservation, allistics white lie all the time for theirs so why not us too?
Also I would hate meeting other parents because all they wanna talk about is small talk which I'm bad at anyway, well not bad at but like that's opener stuff, once I open I wanna change topic and not to the topic of kids like in the early years it becomes our whole thing so when talking to adults I wanna talk about other stuff instead, I really hated the "you are a parent now and have no other identity" mentality of early years parent meet-ups.

Not only that but I'm suffering with endometriosis too. So I'm in pain a lot of the time which only exacerbates my feelings and my sensory issues.

Thank you for your response. I think they're pressuring me because in the beginning I was happy to meet up regularly but I was always feeling burnt out afterwards so now they're under the impression that I've changed (going from being "social" to apparently avoiding them). I put social in quotes because it was just me masking rather than being social. 

That sounds like a lot even for people I know who are not autistic and a nightmare for those who are. I find friendship being pushed on me to be difficult as it has to be on my terms. Its nice they are including you but set your boundaries so everyone knows where they stand. (I can't stay, I've got to go....I can only really do Tuesdays...) 

I'm not a parent but I often wonder how I'd deal with all this stuff and I think "what would Liz off Motherland do...."

Thank you. That's a good idea.

Thank you Johnny. I didnt realise I'd be a victim of peer pressure at the age of 30! I will stick to my guns

Hi, thank you for the advice. I was happy having the individual friendships but the group dynamic is really disconcerting. Previously when we've got together I was very quiet, apart from the odd few moments when I would jump in with a tidbit or anecdote. I dont feel comfortable speaking to multiple people a once and it seems to be getting worse as I get older!

They don't seem to understand that I need to keep a close eye on my littlest son as well. He is autistic too and I need to make sure he doesn't run out of the school gates near the road, or run towards a road while we're walking home. So sometimes they'll stop and talk at the end of school and my son is trying to pull and run away. So I need to get my children home to avoid any incidents with cars and they have assumed I dont want to talk to them. I do have a big issue conveying these feelings with them because I dont feel like they would understand anyway.

Thank you for your advice. You're right, I have considered cutting them off. If they put pressure on again then I will more than likely do so

I think I've already appeared as crazy with the little web of lies ive created to avoid seeing them. Whoops...

But you are right. The more pressure they're applying, the more I'm pulling away from them. I've very comfortable with having individual friendships kept separate but the group is a whole new dynamic! 

I'm so grateful I am understood here. Thank you!

I'm sorry to hear you were ignored! That's awfully cruel

Before making friends I had one or two friends there but we have joined with others to create this group. I am comfortable with having individual friends but the group makes me feel anxious. 

I was happy to wait around for my children alone, in my own little bubble and say hi along the way. But they're constantly grouping up everyday and I'm finding myself isolating myself. 

You could say that you are just the kind of person who needs a bit more space, and you are happy to meet once or twice a week but more than that gives you social anxiety.

I've never had this problem as I waa always ignored by other parents on the school run. It was horrible, like being ignored in the play ground all over again. I solved this by working at my kids school, so now I don't have to stand around outside with everyone else.

Yes. I think I understand what you are talking about/feeling/behaving.  It is inexplicably hard to explain though, even to someone such as yourself who already "knows" that something is very "off" with your own behaviour.  The more pressure exerted to make you comply, the more you will resist, so no need to worry on that front.  Be careful how you exhibit your resistance.  Try not to go proper bat s h t crazy....you will be made to regret it.

Sorry to sound a little bit odd and mysterious  myself.....I am....but only like you.

Stick around in these pages and try to understand yourself better.

Hi Lauren,

It's a tough situation to be in but my gut instinct is to split from folks who put on pressure.  Real friends tend to respect your needs.  It's tiring being a parent and I cannot imagine how much of a challenge it would be with 4 little people.  It sounds like your friends are going in one direction and you in the other.  You may find that when you stick to what you need, the more genuine friends will respect you for it.  Some folks in the group may be feeling as you do.  If they continue to bombard you with demands, it's time to move on and find people who love you for you.

I know how tough friendships can be but I'm a firm believer of cutting your losses when friends become toxic.  It's not worth the mental agony.  

Hi Lauren. Take it at your own comfortable pace. Don't bow down to peer pressure. Remember, you are doing it for you, no-one else.

Just tell them that you have 4 small children and you just do not have the energy for much socialising.