Public Speaking

Well done that's not an easy task and I would never be capable of doing it.
We are our own worst critics ever! Try not to be too hard on yourself and remind yourself that you did very well and you should be proud of yourself for such a great achievement.

I am absolutely awful at any kind of speaking. Public speaking would never happen for me. I'm mostly mute, only speak when I really have to but try to avoid whenever possible.

yeah, just a mild sound, constant, repetitive, just to focus outwardly instead of inwards

Well, I appreciate the suggestion. We all have things that work for us, and perhaps they can work for others too. All we can do is offer what we know and have experienced in the hope that it give someone something to think about.

I have contemplated trying a constant sound, such as a fireplace or rain sounds. I don’t imagine they would trigger too much thought, where as an audiobook could.

precisely, as you said, the narrative is already decided, and thus it turns into a session of beating yourself up essentially

hmm, well, see how it goes, i don't want to suggest anything that could make it worse, just thats what works for me.

deadsponge said:

your only sounding off from yourself, which is whats causing the thoughts in the first place lol.  its a form of anxiety 

I agree entirely. In these moments, we cannot  be a good soundboard for ourselves as the narrative is already decided. That’s another reason I find this community to be so helpful, it’s a chance to get a different perspective, but from someone who understands.

deadsponge said:

sound sensitivity, but not usually from my own sound

I too am not usually affected by my own sounds, or those that I choose either. However at night, if I hear something, I tend to focus on it, which then starts the thought processes back up again. It’s more to avoid spending the whole night alert and contemplating things I think.

yeah, and you never find the answer, because its either not there, you cant see it yourself, or your only sounding off from yourself, which is whats causing the thoughts in the first place lol.  its a form of anxiety 

hmm, i couldn't say then, i do have what i believe to be sound sensitivity, but not usually from my own sound i choose, and otherwise has to be pretty loud and accompanied by either competing noise, or shaking/vibrating, slamming for instance, though i believe there may be another component to that for me, association of the slamming with crap home life growing up etc

so i imagine it may be very different for you.

deadsponge said:

you'll just be stuck in the same repetitive thought pattern

I find this to be very true. Once I have fully explored a thought, at least to the point I feel that I have exhausted all options, I can find in these moments that I just start from the beginning again. Almost like an endless loop of repetition. Repetition can be an enjoyable thing, like the repeating of a satisfying word or sound, but not so much in these moments. It’s more like mental torture when stuck in a self destructive slump.

I think, for me at least, I find sounds at night difficult. My hearing is very sensitive, so I have avoided adding sound into the mix when trying to sleep. However, I have to admit that due to not doing this, there is the possibility of creating more potential for the self destructive thought loops as described above. Perhaps I’ll give it a go one day. I have some time coming up, so there is a possibility of some time for a bit of an experiment.

good idea, occupy your mind elsewhere or your thoughts will just go round and round in circles

soon as that train of thought starts, it can be hard to stop it, so have to kind of "plough through it"or "snap out of it" which is how i refer to it, or you'll just be stuck in the same repetitive thought pattern

and when you go bed, put some music on low volume and repeat all(instrumental preferably), audiobook, anything that just gives you a focus elsewhere, and creates an external Atmosphere aslong as it doesn't prevent sleep

The imagery you have conjured in this post is so visual and I can most definitely relate to a lot of what you have written here. I really appreciate your wording.

NAS79256 said:

I find that the "wired" feeling is uncomfortable and exhausting but does pass eventually in a day or so, whereas the "down" feeling takes much longer.

This is so true for me as well. But I can also find that when the ‘wired’ feeling goes, I can occasionally jump the gun and think that the aftermath is over, only to be surprised with my emotions again slightly later.

With regards to sitting still, I pace a lot naturally. I do wonder if it’s a form of stimming for me. I don’t know why, but I made myself stand still during the speech, which is very much against my natural inclination. Considering I was talking about difference, in hindsight I regret stifling myself in this way. I think I definitely bottled up my nervous energy. I’m planning on keeping myself busy this evening in order to work through some of it.

You raise an interesting point- thank you. I think we can all do more to educate the world on many aspects of life. The more open mindedness, awareness and acceptance of anything outside of an individual’s own view of the world can only be of benefit.

Mariusz said:

I belong here

This is nice to read.

This is very true. I’m replaying it at the moment and am sure that when I lay down tonight to sleep, I’ll be doing so for a while. If I let it get on top of me, I’ll probably lose the night, so I’m aiming to do some things to tire myself out a bit more before bed.

Thank you. I think I will be eventually- at least I hope so. I think I have to work on finding a balance in my reflections first though.

Angelina said:

We judge ourselves hardest. Always.

This is so true. I hope it won’t always be the case, however I think I’d rather this than be arrogant or have delusions of grandeur and march around shouting how brilliant I think I am. I genuinely couldn’t imagine myself ever being like that. But I would like to be less hard on myself.

Angelina said:

I struggle with communicating and being near and around people.

I can relate to this at times too. I think the unpredictability of others can be quite worrisome. They never seem to follow the rules as I see and understand them.

i think i remember you say in another post/thread, about how you also playback the event and nitpick and end up being very critical of yourself, so pethaps its that aswell?

but 500 people... blimey, well done.

Well done you. That's a huge thing, you should be so proud of yourself for this.

I think you're so hard on yourself because you notice things maybe like anxiety or you could have or should have done this and that. We judge ourselves hardest. Always.

I struggle with communicating and being near and around people. I can't cope with it at all. 

Yes, I can relate to the down feeling and experience the same thing after being in any situation that requires me to simultaneously put in a lot of effort and be out of my comfort zone. This probably equates to most situations for me and has led me to becoming somewhat of a hermit as there is just no positive internal feedback for me. Instead of feeling buoyed up and pleased with myself (or even relieved that it is over), I will feel inexplicably depressed, hollow and, at the same time,  completely "wired " as though there is too much electricity going through my brain, finding it impossible then to relax and turn off. 

I find that the "wired" feeling is uncomfortable and exhausting but does pass eventually in a day or so, whereas the "down" feeling takes much longer. I often think that the aftermath of such a situation is worse than the situation itself.

I wonder if the finding it difficult to sit still thing is because you needed to generate so much energy to do the thing, more than actually needed, so that after you finished there is a surplus of it left over with nowhere to go. Maybe going for a walk or doing something physical might help to dissipate it and also help with the down feeling.

very good, that is exactly what autistic should be doing in all socities, except as appointed officials

like point out the invisible things that add up to those everyone can see to create whole and functional picture

e.g. you have to be part of a local community of any kind, even tiny, or later in life you won't be able to have happy life, because the feeling that something is missing will always accompany you

that's what makes immigrants (those that never crossed language barrier) go back to their home countries after 15 years , they still hate their home country but at least they feel like they belong

I belong here

Thank you. Being a trainer sounds like it could have been rewarding.

The reflective side is something I know I need to work on in terms of balance. I’m far too negative with my own reflections but can highlight the brilliance of others with ease.

But you are right, I have to see the positives first.

Thank you. I did- it was about recognising effort in people and how this can be shown in different ways. As well recognising the overlooked skills of quiet contemplation, observation and perseverance. I tried to highlight that quieter skills are important, and to point out that the loudest voice in the room isn’t always right. At least, that’s what I hoped to get across.

I've done that sort of thing as a trainer.  Well done for pushing through the nerves and doing that.

Basically, after any training session, we are supposed to reflect on what could have made it better.  That's good.  And yes, I am hard on myself there too.  But just remember for every little thing that you might tweak next time, there will be a ton of things you did really well and got spot on, and probably no one noticed the things you would tweak next time.  Focus on and celebrate the positives first then assimilate the potential adjustments.

Bravo!

A nice idea. Sushi for dinner perhaps.