Mood, depression and getting older

I love shorter walks and hikes too :). I have found in the past that having a big hiking trip to plan, prepare for and look forward to can be extremely positive :) 

I love your saying of "aiming towards something rather than things aiming towards you".

I am so happy I found this forum, thanks so much to everyone!! 

There is walking, and then huge hikes, impressive. Goals help - aiming towards something rather just things just aiming towards you

Just reminded of the Killers song 'Can you read my mind?' the first couple of lines:

On the corner of Main Street
Just tryna keep it in line

Aiming for something means managing things that try and knock you off course.

I think "time off"  for me is not only defined by where I am and what I am doing physically but also based on my mental state. You can be at home  but still not be having "time off".

This has been an important realisation for me. For a few weeks prior to being forced to take a proper break from work, I tried to take things a bit easier and would have the occasional "day off", however I realise now that my mind was still constantly occupied with work or I was trying to work from home, be productive in another way or if I wasn't doing any of these things I would feel extremely guilty about it. The issue for me is that it can be super hard/impossible to switch off those thoughts - right now though I think I am doing the best job at "having time off" ever (I usually just do not/cannot stop...). 

Not sure if this is helpful, but just thought it might be helpful as in the past, I would think I was giving myself a break (and concluded it wasn't so helpful), when in fact I have now realised that I wasn't actually doing so. 

I have such a huge list of hikes I want to do but I think the next big trip would be to the Alps- the Tour de Monte Rosa looks good. I would also want to go back to the GR20 in Corsica eventually but the list is endless :). Though it will probably be a while before my health allows me to do this. 

Autistic people have to support other autistic people really, as there isn't much mainstream support and advice/help from people who aren't autistic can be patronising, obvious, unrealistic, etc. and make things worse.

Great to share ideas, things other people do that might make a difference.

I've walked a bit of the Ridgeway but way east on the edge of the North Wessex Downs looking towards Oxford - great view (apart from Didcot power station).  I haven't done much proper walking by myself, apart from local ones, so working towards making that happen.  Good for the mind, and get inspiration for art etc.

I really appreciate your supportive comments - thank you  in a way I do have ‘time off’ because I’m an artist and work from home, and also a carer for my autistic son - so I am at home. I realise that’s a luxury in many ways (and has felt like that in the past) but since my (physical) illness my mental health has been poor (basically very severe anxiety) and being at home is actually difficult in many ways as my thoughts and anxiety are so intense. I can’t escape them wherever I am. It’s been so difficult. The other day my GP referred me for therapy for PTSD but I’ve no idea how long that will take - as I understand it mental health services are swamped with referrals right now, 

Like you say too - when you get the support it can also be a mixed bag. My son is having NHS CBT therapy over the phone but so far it’s just him chatting with her and he says she doesn’t really help him much - she mostly just listens. 

I’m so glad to hear that your break from work is really helping you - that wonderful. My husband goes out to work and his mother died recently and I feel he needs a longer break from work than he can have. Sometimes we just need that don’t we? For everything to stop so that we can properly rest and recover. Ultimately we need to look after ourselves and we need time to be able to do that. I hope your mental health team properly listen to your concerns and respect how you feel about that.

The last two years have been so difficult and for certain we are not alone in struggling and needing help. Practically everyone I know and everyone in my wider family are struggling in one way or another. Even people who I thought were great at coping with life have talked about struggling to cope in recent months.

It’s so lovely to hear that you’re starting to feel better - it’s hopeful and the way I feel it’s good to hear of others who are finding ways to feel better, Recently I’ve wondered if I’ll ever feel better - I’ve felt so totally overwhelmed. So it’s good to here that others - such as yourself - are making progress and finding ways to move forward. Do you have in your mind the next big walking trip you will make when you feel better? 
I’d quite like to walk along the Ridgeway that goes near to Avebury.  It’s not particularly adventurous but I like the look of it - lovely rolling English countryside. 

What helps me sometimes is listening to audiobooks- it doesn't completely shut off all those never stopping thoughts but it does give me something to focus on and can tone down some of the constant obsessing and thinking. 

I'm so sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. Can you possibly take some time off? You mention wanting to just sleep for a month or two... maybe this is exactly what you need! I know that it can be difficult to sort out from a practical and financial basis... but is there any way you could get some time away from everything? 

For me at this point, time away from work is being life-chaning. 

I am also going through some form of burn-out at this point (I suspect I am autistic but waiting to be assessed)- the best thing that happened to me is that my GP gave me sick leave. I have to admit that at first I felt worse (I cannot cope at all with being unproductive usually), but now in week 4 of being away from everything I am starting to feel more energised (though still have a long way to climb) and I have come to realise that this is exactly what I need. I am also in a difficult situation where I know that I need more time to recuperate but am not sure how I can make this happen on a practical basis.

My strategy over the years has been to escape into my special interest (science usually), however this has backfired badly at this point and I think for me being forced to be unproductive is the best thing that ever happened to me. I always keep going by getting hyperfocused on a goal and I never really stop... my body forced me to stop this time. 

Not sure if any of this helps... I am also seeing a mental health team but feel quite misunderstood by them. I am anxious that they will encourage me to start doing more again too soon (tends to be advice for depression to get people involved in things again). I'm still trying to figure it out but my gut feeling is that time away is the best at this point. 

I really hope you feel better soon and figure out what works best for you!!! Sending you lots of strength. 

I love Gardeners World too. So soothing.

Yes - ‘lockdown nostalgia’ - that’s a good way of putting it. I also have so much nostalgia for the time before the pandemic. Sometimes it’s so intense that thinking of happy, carefree times before the pandemic actually makes me cry. It feels almost like another world now.

I also don't cope with adult life... I am turning 25 and I always thought I would figure it out eventually, but I haven't really...

My 'escape plan' was hoping to train as a hiking guide- I love the mountains so much and when I go on hiking tours life is simpler. There are no complicated decisions (at most, I have to decide between 2 routes). Every day is predictable and has a routine (leave at dawn etc). There is the option for time alone in nature, but equally it is easy to meet people with similar interests in the hut in evenings.

Though I guess being a guide might not be the same as you have to take care of clients.... I was actually considering giving this a go and doing the training however my escape plan was put to a halt by injuries/poor health :( 

I also experience lockdown nostalgia and I find myself wishing there would be another lockdown. It is nice to be able to voice these feelings and to know that other people feel the same. 

You have great suggestions here - thank you so much. I’d definitely be interested in an online support group if you set one up. I have a loving family who are really understanding (both my husband and children are autistic so we understand and support each other) but we do feel isolated in many ways - like we’re on an island together surrounded by a fairly hostile ocean! It’s been a very lovely island but recently we’ve all been struggling in various ways and we’ve felt more vulnerable as we have no other support other than each other. For a long time I felt I didn’t need anyone other than my family but recently I’ve felt that it would be nice to connect with other autistic people, 

Yes - ‘general adult life’ - that’s what I struggle with too. All my life I’ve fantasised about ‘escape’ in various forms because I’ve found so many aspects of everyday life so difficult. 

I’m finding it much harder this year too. Like you we found the first lockdown to be actually really good - we enjoyed it. We were together, my husband could work from home which he loved, and my son found not going into college a huge relief (he’s autistic and has selective mutism so he finds college hugely stressful). 
However now we are all struggling really badly. I was seriously ill at the end of last year and am still struggling with the impact of that and have PTSD. My son has depression and ocd and my husbands mother just died. We are totally worn out! And the situation with the Pandemic is very unsettling as people are behaving like it’s over - which is concerning because it obviously isn’t over. 
So many other things seem ‘wrong’ in our society at the moment too - I feel the country has gone a bit pear shaped in so many ways, 

My youngest son, (my eldest lives abroad) husband and myself  are totally exhausted and we feel we need to focus on getting our heads in better shape. The other day my son said ‘maybe I need to go to a spa’ and I know what he means! He’s never been to a spa tbh and I don’t think he would actually like it - but in essence I think he’s got a point! Some sort of peaceful retreat and escape would be good! 

Like you I am finding the sunshine to be really helpful at the moment - the winter seems to have gone on for ages. I’m so keen to see all the bright green new leaves appear on the trees

Yes - sometimes thoughts feel so overwhelming and it’s helpful to be able to try to distance yourself from them by thinking ‘they’re just thoughts’. Easier said than done though sometimes! I think my mind is very exhausted at the moment so this is very difficult for me. My mind needs a long (loooooooong!) rest in order to become a bit more resilient again. 

Thank you for sharing this - I will try this. I bought the ‘Calm’ App but I find some of it actually quite irritating! I think it’s finding that thing that works for you - everyone is different. Like you I find all the breathing focussed things not that great. I also tried using a mantra (like transcendental meditation) but also found that quite difficult. I think when my anxiety is really bad focusing is just so hard. I have PTSD and I think that is probably why these things are especially difficult for me at the moment. I will persevere though - as I’ve read again and again just how helpful these things are to help restore a sense of peace and contentment. I have a very loving family and at the moment they are the one thing that is really keeping me going. 
Thank you so much for your suggestions - it means a lot to feel there are people on here who understand.

I too have found planting seeds helps. I like to watch Gardeners World. It is a relaxing pace as well as useful tips. 

These are great suggestions - thank you so much!  It’s so kind of you to share your ideas - I massively appreciate that as I’m so mentally exhausted i am finding it hard to find ways to cope. I’ll try the things you suggest. 
It’s  true that recently when I go for a walk in nature (that usually helps me so much) that I’ve found my worries ‘come with me’. Instead of feeling happily immersed in nature (as I used to) I just find my mind returning to the same ‘groove’ of my worries. This makes me really sad as nature is usually my sanctuary.

I’m so glad that spring is coming - it feels like it’s been a really long winter. I noticed tiny bright green leaves on the hedges yesterday - it was such a relief to see them! When I was younger I really loved the autumn as I thought it was very romantic but now I really crave the brightness and the sunshine of spring and summer. I need that more and more to lift my spirits. 

Thank you for what you’ve written here - I really appreciate it! I’m feeling quite lacking in hope at the moment and your words are optimistic that things can get better - it’s lovely to read your take on that and hear about your experience. And yes - the idea of attempting to be mindful when your massively tense does seem almost impossible at times! I will take comfort from your experience though and try to persevere with it. I was very (physically) ill last year and my GP has referred me for therapy for PTSD - so it’s not surprising that I’m struggling at the moment really. 
You’re so right that problems in the wider world are mostly beyond our control - therefore worrying about them and focussing on them is not very helpful. I’m trying to reduce the amount of News and current affairs programmes I watch as otherwise I find it increases my anxiety levels. I get angry too about politics and  injustice. It’s quite toxic though to focus on these things too much. 
I love gardening too - we only have a small garden but I’m so grateful for it. What seeds have you planted? 
last summer I got really into succulents and alpines and I’m amazed how resilient and hardy they are - and really easy to look after which I like. I hate to see a plant die. We planted loads of wild flower seeds on out front garden last autumn so I’m hoping they’ll appear when the weather is warmer. I often don’t have much look with wild flower seeds which I can never understand. I think maybe the soil I’m planting them in here is too rich perhaps, My youngest son is also autistic and he loves Cordylines and once spent a lot of our holiday in Cornwall taking loads of photographs of them. He loves the sound they make in the breeze, 

kestrels are beautiful aren’t they? I love birds of prey - especially owls. We have tawny owls that nest at the back of our house. I particularly love to see a barn owl - they are so special! I so rarely see a barn owl but when I do it’s such a wonderful, magical sight.